Fun on the Web vol 2 Issue 18 - May 5, 2003

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 2 Issue 18 May 5, 2003

Back from my trip and two Holidays this week, first Happy Cinco
de Mayo! Get out today and have your own celebration.

Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican holiday that most people think is
Mexican Independence. Not so, instead 4,000 Mexican soldiers
defeated the French army of 8,000 in Puebla, Mexico on the
morning of May 5, 1862. (This was 50+ years after Independence.)
The French landed in Mexico (along with Spanish and English
troops) five months earlier on the pretext of collecting Mexican
debts from the newly elected democratic government of President
Benito Juarez (an Indian). The English and Spanish left after
quickly making deals. The remaining French had different ideas
(another stupendous military choice).


Attention men, Sunday is Mother's Day...don't say you haven't been warned. If you need a clue think jewelry, flowers, and candy or
check her wish list at http://www.Amazon.com or any other store
where she may have one for more ideas.

If you haven't gotten a gift for Mothers Day instead of the usual
try Trappistine Quality Candy. Its handmade and packed by the
Cistercian Nuns of Mount Saint Mary's Abbey, in Wrentham, Massachusetts. http://trappistinecandy.com/
Want more info?
http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/internet/04/15/wired.nuns.ap/index.html

At the very least send an e-card!
http://www.mycheers.com/
http://www.nicecards.com/
http://itools.mac.com/WebObjects/iCards.woa/19/wo/51EgPYWxMQq65nu0.1/0.0.11.11.0.1.1?37,28
http://greetings.yahoo.com/
http://www.castlemountains.com/ (lots of pop ups)


Oh my, I missed the Kentucky Derby. Guess I'll have to make my reservations now for next year. Actually this is great advice
for any event since all hotel chains have a limited number of
rooms available at their very lowest price and they are snapped
up quickly for special events. The day after the event is when
you get the best shot at it since most computer booking systems
can only block for one year at a time. So get on the phone now
and book a room for the 130th running of the Derby next year.

Always the first Saturday in May, its beautiful there this time
of year, fully spring and the event has turned into a festival
lasting several weeks. The first public event is the Princess
Debut in December. (This year its Dec 8 2003.) Then in March it
starts; events include dances, fireworks, golf, volleyball, and
even balloon races. They truly have something for everyone.
http://www.kdf.org/

If you would like to review yesterdays event see:
http://www.kentuckyderby.com/2003/


State Landmark Falls from Mountain - appearing on the state
quarter, tourist brochures, and state road signs the Old Man
in the Mountain was a state symbol for New Hampshire.
http://edition.cnn.com/2003/US/Northeast/05/03/old.man.mountian.ap/index.html


The New Orleans Museum of Art is currently celebrating the
200th anniversary of the Louisiana Purchase with an epic view
of the times and the men in power, Jefferson and Bonaparte,
using American, French, and Native American art mixed with
historic documents, as well as items belonging to Josephine
Bonaparte. http://www.jeffersonnapoleon.com/
Make sure to check out the other bicentennial events.

The botanical gardens is exhibiting the plants and growing
techniques from the gardens of Jefferson and Bonaparte.
http://www.neworleanscitypark.com/garden/index.html?bgabout.html&1

The Historic New Orleans Connection has a temporary exhibit
depicting the fusion of culture from Spain, France, and America. http://www.hnoc.org/


If you are the least bit crafty you may want to check out this
site which appears to be a blog about crafting with some great
links for projects. She is fairly amusing in her commentary.
There is a google search on site link or try looking at "stuff
to make" or "sites to go to" for craft ideas.
http://www.megan.scatterbrain.org/notmartha/index.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seen in rural American Kitchens...

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

My next house will have no kitchen...
Just vending machines.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Housework done properly can kill you.

No husband has ever been shot...
while doing the dishes.

Husband - (n.) someone who takes out the trash and
gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Caution: Cook At Work!

Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!

So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!

I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your
standards.

Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in,
sit down, converse.

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

Self cleaning kitchen. Clean up after yourself. Mom's off duty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SINCE I'M NOT MARTHA EITHER, THANKS ERIN

Martha Stewart:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant "fix me up."

Real Women:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's
motto: "I made it and you will eat it and not care how
bad it tastes."

------------------------

Martha Stewart:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?

------------------------

Martha Stewart:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch,
with your feet up, eating it anyway.

------------------------

Martha Stewart:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.

Real Women:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.

------------------------

Martha Stewart:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Women:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

------------------------

Martha Stewart:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

------------------------

Martha Stewart:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that
makes opening jars easy.

Real Women:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

------------------------

And finally the most important tip --

Martha Stewart:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women:
Leftover wine??????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend a
night in the White House again, but something very strange
happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George
Washington's ghost.

Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington, what is the best
thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't
sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the
best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson
answered.

Bush still couldn't sleep well, and much later he saw another
ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's
ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POSITION: Mom

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be
willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings
and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such
as nose-blowing and shoe-tying.

Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution
and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.

Must be able to think outside of the box but not lose track
of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school
project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in
managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear,
"He got more than me!" for the rest of your life.

Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud
and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-
mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns.

Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know
anything."

Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone
needs $5 to go skating.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment
the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit,
because fund-raiser will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer
questions such as "What makes the wind move?" or
"Why can't they just go in and shoot Sadam Hussein?"
on the fly.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the
quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass
you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you
die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you
actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered,
the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and
free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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