Fun on the Web vol 2 Issue 45 - Dec 1, 2003

Fun on the weekly websites and other chuckles
Volume 2 Issue 45, December 1, 2003

Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving and have recovered
from too much turkey, shopping, football and parades. I'm
having a great time visiting with the family and doing that
stuff myself. Now it seems to be time to get the rest of the

holiday shopping done with the countdown nearing its final

phase or finish up your craft and baking projects.


This year Hannukah begins the evening of December 19th.
For more info on the origins and celebrations of this holiday:
http://www.joi.org/celebrate/hanuk/
http://www.night.net/kids/hanukkah.html-ssi
http://www.hanukkah-traditions.com/
http://www.holidays.net/chanukah/
http://www.mideastweb.org/hannuka.htm
http://www.ujc.org/content_display.html?ArticleID=26198

Hannukah craft projects
http://www.bhg.com/home/Hannukah-Gifts.html
http://www.amazingmoms.com/htm/holiday_hanukkah_crafts.htm
http://www.thebestkidsbooksite.com/hanukkahcrafts.cfm
http://biblicalholidays.com/Hanukkah/hanukkah_crafts.htm
http://www.twilightbridge.com/hobbies/festivals/hanukkah/crafts.htm

Hanukkah ecards
http://www.timelydecisions.net/holiday/hanukkah1.html
http://www.charlottebear.co.uk/ecards/hanukkah1.htm
http://www.hanukkah-greetings.com/
http://www.designsbydaybreak.com/holidays/hanukkah/hanukkah4.html
http://www.dgreetings.com/hannukah/
http://www.riversongs.net/hanuk.html
Didn't find what you like or need more? Try:
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/Judaism/Holidays_and_Observances/Virtual_Cards/Hanukkah/

Very cool personal website
http://www.caryn.com/holiday/holiday-chan.html

A Hanukkah poem
http://www.onenorthpole.com/Hannukah/h_poem.html

Antique Christmas Lights - history, timeline, vintage ads, and
Christmas memories http://www.oldchristmaslights.com/

Well I missed it, another rare performance by our friend Ken
Gregory, who has been performing in Vancouver at Video In
"Tinkering, Sensors, Machines & Me:" You can check out his
website http://www.cheapmeat.net

Milwaukee had a rare shock a couple years ago in the form of a
new addition to our art museum by Santiago Calatrava. He is a
love him or hate him architect. What do you think?
http://www.calatrava.com/

This was combined with an exhibition by glass artist Dale
Chihuly with his "Chihuly over Venice" exhibition (click on the

numbers to see what a staid town like Milwaukee turned
out en masse to see) http://www.chihuly.com/cov/covwalk.html

Fabulous Photos and "how to" advice if you itch to do your own

photo portraits
http://www.fabrica.it/colors58/

Ghosttown Photos - Do you find them intriguing?
http://www.ghosttowngallery.com/

All about the London Underground - history and background
http://www.starfury.demon.co.uk/uground/

Text and Images - check out their "other places" to find
more unusual reading sites http://www.locusnovus.com/

The Sims Online
http://www.eagames.com/official/thesims/thesimsonline/us/nai/index.jsp

The Soup Lady http://www.joyofsoup.com/

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify http://www.simpleliving.net/

The Stonhenge Project - removing the sights and sounds of traffic
from near the Stones, improving the landscape, and transforming
the visitor experience. http://www.thestonehengeproject.org/

Fast Food Fever - Tired of stuffing your face with the same
old fast-food fare? (Not for those with queasy stomachs.)
http://www.jaybrewer.net/fastfoodfever/

A better choice of Cusine - American Food Habits of the 20th
Century http://rmc.library.cornell.edu/food/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for these
Things You Can Say on Thanksgiving and Get Away with:

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for this one
A Bears fan, A Packers fan and a Vikings fan are driving
in a car when one of them noticed a foot sticking out of
the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and
discovered a nude female passed out drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Bears fan took off his
cap and placed it over her left breast. The Packers fan
took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
Following their lead, the Vikings fan took off his cap
and placed it over her crotch.

The Police were called and when the officer arrived at
the scene he conducted his investigation. First he lifted
up the Bears cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes.
Then he lifted up the Packers cap, replaced it and wrote
down some more notes.

The officer then lifted up the Vikings cap, replaced it,
then lifted it up again, replaced it, then lifted it up
a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Vikings fan was getting upset and asked, "What are
you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and
looking, lifting and looking and lifting and looking?
What's up with that?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am surprised. Normally when
I look under a Vikings cap, I find an as*shole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Maria for this One From Andy Rooney:
"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,
"I'm stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would
you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like,
"Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full
of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week
to see how many boxes it takes". Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of
mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this
big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,
"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark
bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright,
Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They
want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell
us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of
those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks
out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he
said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's
your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy
came over to the house and drove the car around for
about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets
out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust
pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been
wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't you know,I misjudged the height of a bridge.
The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter
how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local
cop shows up to take the report. He went through his
basic questioning...okay ...no problem. I thought for sure
he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is
your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig
and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge...
here's your sign".

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me
and said, "Are you still here?"

I replied, "No. I left about 10minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your
friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask
them where their sign is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Ann for This One
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are
our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students....here
is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out
of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's
omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating
heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing
he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we
have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering
why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple
break and was He ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
God, as our first parent, asked?

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the
pattern was set and it has never changed!

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently
and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken
it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

CHILDREN You spend the first 2 years of their lifeteaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling
them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still
getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Living with kids is like living with bums. They chase you
around, going, "Hey, can I have a dollar, some food, I'm
missing a shoe and need a ride."!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at
least give it a try, couldn't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and
around over his head. The bartender runs up and asks, "Man,
What the heck are you doing?"

The blind man replies, "Just taking a look around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was faced with a difficult decision recently and asked my
friends what I should do. This is what I got...
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
The nail that sticks out gets hammered.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

Now what do I do???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Sheila for these sometimes attributed to George Carlin but
I'm not sure if he really did these
http://www.georgecarlin.com

THINGS TO PONDER
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on
those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that
make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me....
they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately this is the only Christmas joke I've seen so
far - Thanks Andrea

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season,"
Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that
symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"
... Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Thanks and have a great week!
Next week look for info about Kwanza!