Fun on the Web vol 2 Issue 47 - Dec 15, 2003
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 2 Issue 47, December 15, 2003
Volume 2 Issue 47, December 15, 2003
This one is going to have to be quick since I have to get my
packages and cards mailed today.
Did you know that both the post office http://www.usps.com
and UPS http://www.ups.com
have made it easier to do your mailing. Print the label at home
if you know how much it weighs you can even pay for cost of
shipping with your credit card.
A word to the wise, big packages are cheaper at UPS and
tracking is included. The post office only tracks their priority
and express mail. That can get pretty pricey if packages are
heavy. By the way if you don't sign up for UPS online in the
comfort of your home you are probably going to wait in line to
use their computer to sign up and who knows how many folks
with assorted flu, cold, and other symptoms have touched and
coughed on that. Who can afford to be sick now?
While on my trip I discoverd Stoli Vanilla which would make a
good addition to the liquor supply just in time to make yummy
drinks for Christmas. Use your imagination or for recipes go to:
Thanks to Anita for this one:
Make animated postcards for the holidays
Sharing holiday traditions with kids in the house
From the (fill in the blank) for Dummies People
cooking substitutions
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-670.html
cooking substitutions
http://www.dummies.com/
or look here for holiday cooking
Holiday shopping still not done?
Take a deep breath, get out your list and get online or
Take a deep breath, get out your list and get online or
jewelry is usually a guys best bet at this late date and
has the added bonus of staying out of the mall since
many jewelers are free standing with ample parking.
Other options are tickets to a play, concert, ballet, or
event SHE would like. Tickets to the Boat Show are
not advised unless she is the sailor in the family.
Note to the guys: See 10 Gifts Not to Get. (below)
According to http://dailyinbox.com/trivia/
US battleships are always named after states, with one
exception: the Kearsage, a Union vessel that fought valiantly
in the Civil War. When the Kearsage sank, special permission
was obtained from Congress to name a new battleship after
her. If you see a ship named after a US city, it is most likely
a cruiser. Cruisers are traditionally named after cities, with
the exception of very large cruisers, which may be named
after US territories. Some more modern cruisers are named
after famous battles. US destroyers are named after famous
naval leaders and heroes. Submarines are named after fish
or other denizens of the deep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas Tree Tips From I'm Not Martha
I have gotten many letters about Christmas trees...buying
one...keeping safety first...and decorating a tree. I wrote
one last year and I've gotten so many letters, I guess it
needs a revisit. So today and Friday's editions are going to
address your questions as best I know how. If you have any
tips or suggestions that I haven't covered...PLEASE email
me. I can always count on you for coming to my rescue.
* The most popular varieties of Christmas trees are: Fraser
Fir, Douglas Fir, White Pine, Scotch Pine, Noble Fir and
Balsam Fir.
*The most important consideration is freshness.
Many Christmas trees are trucked a considerable distance,
sometimes part way across the continent and days or even
weeks may pass between the time the trees are cut and when
they arrive for sale. Always ask the vendor where the tree
has come from and how long ago it was cut...I'm not always
sure that you will get a tru thful answer or that the high
school kid working part time will even know the correct
answer, but ask anyway. If possible, buy a locally produced
tree. You guys in Hawaii will be out of luck there, I supp-
ose...whenever possible, buy local.
* Does it appear green and healthy with a fragrant smell and
moist flexible needles or is there evidence of drying or
browning?
Avoid any trees with broken branches or damaged bark.
Bounce the tree lightly on its cut end if you can or shake
it. Does this result in an inevitable little sprinkling or
does it produce a shower or needles? If needles rain down,
you might be wise to look around a little more.
* The next consideration after freshness is size.
Make sure the tree you buy will fit comfortably in the room
and location you have chosen. Use a tape measure if necess-
ary.
Check the bottom of the tree. Is there enough space between
th e end and the lowest branches to make a slightly diagonal
fresh cut?
Cutting an extra inch off the bottom before mounting your
tree will greatly help water absorption and ensure your tree
lasts as long as possible. Be sure to make this final cut
just before placing it in water. If it is exposed to the
air for too long, the vessels will become blocked.
one...keeping safety first...and decorating a tree. I wrote
one last year and I've gotten so many letters, I guess it
needs a revisit. So today and Friday's editions are going to
address your questions as best I know how. If you have any
tips or suggestions that I haven't covered...PLEASE email
me. I can always count on you for coming to my rescue.
* The most popular varieties of Christmas trees are: Fraser
Fir, Douglas Fir, White Pine, Scotch Pine, Noble Fir and
Balsam Fir.
*The most important consideration is freshness.
Many Christmas trees are trucked a considerable distance,
sometimes part way across the continent and days or even
weeks may pass between the time the trees are cut and when
they arrive for sale. Always ask the vendor where the tree
has come from and how long ago it was cut...I'm not always
sure that you will get a tru thful answer or that the high
school kid working part time will even know the correct
answer, but ask anyway. If possible, buy a locally produced
tree. You guys in Hawaii will be out of luck there, I supp-
ose...whenever possible, buy local.
* Does it appear green and healthy with a fragrant smell and
moist flexible needles or is there evidence of drying or
browning?
Avoid any trees with broken branches or damaged bark.
Bounce the tree lightly on its cut end if you can or shake
it. Does this result in an inevitable little sprinkling or
does it produce a shower or needles? If needles rain down,
you might be wise to look around a little more.
* The next consideration after freshness is size.
Make sure the tree you buy will fit comfortably in the room
and location you have chosen. Use a tape measure if necess-
ary.
Check the bottom of the tree. Is there enough space between
th e end and the lowest branches to make a slightly diagonal
fresh cut?
Cutting an extra inch off the bottom before mounting your
tree will greatly help water absorption and ensure your tree
lasts as long as possible. Be sure to make this final cut
just before placing it in water. If it is exposed to the
air for too long, the vessels will become blocked.
Several of you have written me to remind everyone that trees
look smaller out in the wide open spaces of a tree lot, so
keep that in mind...you could end up with a tree too big to
get into the room!
Also, enter the house stump first...you have no idea how
comedic it is to go in top first and get caught in the door-
way by an errant branch. Pure Three Stooges!
HOW TO DECORATE A TREE
* Test the lights BEFORE putting them on a tree. (Or house
for that matter). NOTE: sometimes you have to do it the hard
way to learn. Nothing like spending 2 hours on the roof
looking for the faulty socket
* First put the tree in the stand. We've found that if you
do this outside its alot easier. Be sure to trim an inch or
so off the tree end so it can suck up water. It will have
calloused over between the time it was cut and you bring it
home.
* Next place the tree in your house. Ideally it should be
clo se to an electric plug and not too close to any source of
heat which will dry it out. By the way, while its still out-
side you could spray it with a fixative so that it will not
lose as much water through the needles and will last longer.
Try to place it where you can get to all sides of the tree
easily for decoration. But if you put it in a corner- you
won't have to put decorations in the back and since your
just starting out you might not have that many decorations.
* Here's a tip: wear gloves so you don't get sap all over
you and so you don't jab those sharp needles into your
hands.
* Next come the lights-you can choose large traditional
lights, small mini-lights in colors or in plain white,
blinkers or non blinkers as suits your taste. This is the
hardest part of decorating the tree.
* First, to give our tree a fuller/deeper look, first put
the lights on the tree deep into the branches. Probably 1/4
to 1/3 of the way from the trunk. Then, a 2nd time around
the tree placing the lights about the same distance from 1
strand as the 1st strand was away from the trunk.
* Next comes garlands if you have them. Make large (6" on
top of the tree, 12" near the bottom) swags. Check as you go
around the tree so that the 'U's of the garland hang nicely.
* Finally...on go the ornaments. Many families (and all the
Christmas movies) save the spire on the top for last-but
that's just a tradition. It's easier if you put the star or
spire or angel on first.
* Smaller ornaments go on top...larger as you go down the
tree into the broader, sturdier branches. If using ornaments
of the same type or color, try to place them all around the
tree so no two are too close together.
* Finally, if you want you can place tinsel on the tree. Now
I've seen snits start over tinseling a tree. There are two
schools of tinseling. .."feathering" of the tinsel by draping
one to three strands at a time (Start at the top and work
your way around and down the tree. This can take forever but
it will be Hallmark looking by the end.) Or the throw a hunk
on and have a drink style. Up to you.
WARNING: Tinsel if swallowed can be hazardous to children
and pets (cats especially). So if you have those and use
tinsel, watch them carefully.
* There are smoke detector ornaments now so it might be a
good idea to use one of those.
* Keep fresh water in the stand at all times-they make auto-
matic waterers now that make this less of a chore. They also
make stuff to put in the water to keep the tree alive lon-
ger- but this is toxic to animals and children so again be
careful if you use it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Gifts NOT to buy a Woman (more truth than jokes here)
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or
so mething that is going to make "housework" easier. For
instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those
mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck
the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise
choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle.
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large
box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should
last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial
strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared
to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped
and thought about what would be a much more intimate
gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5
Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices,
or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a
weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on
your collar after a "night out with t he boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for
her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new
drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use
by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for
even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift
like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas
with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon
character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not
consider her the woman that she is. Take out that wallet
and buy her something from Victoria's Secret (just like you
would for a mistress or girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de
Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit,
or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume,
spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home
Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she
is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries
to cut glass with it. (They actually test them you know.)
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one
minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Believe me,
she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and
mumbling under her breath, "were would I ever wear this
outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional
hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think
your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the
rest of the world that that is a taboo.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to a fitness center or
Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially
the ones who have learned the correct response to "do
these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor
souls who st ill doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this,
be prepared for the silent treatment for a month.
(Although that may be something you would actually look
forward to.)
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream,
or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday."
These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons
for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may
stand up in court of law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holiday Season Conduct
Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's
to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during
a party is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
Chores and charitable requests are not to be filed under
"Bah, Humbug."
Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and
through the woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frost y, the Snowman" under your breath
at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.
All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2004.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ricky was at the mall and went into a toy shop, picked up
a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started
to leave.
The shopkeeper told him, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't
real money."
Ricky continued walking out of the shop and didn't reply.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Ricky kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Ricky said "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not
real money."
Ricky looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the
shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, why do men have to
settle for a dog?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holiday Fruitcake Recipe hehehe
---------------------------
You'll need the following:
1 C water
1 C sugar
1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest
quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the
whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and add one
tabl e. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't
forget to off the beat turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ODD THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
I have never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.
--Lawrence
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Time is relative, meaning good times go fast and bad times
go slow. Don't you wish some relatives were time and just go?
--Lawrence
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who deter mine which client has the
better lawyer.
In the words of Jack Nicholson "This is what happens when
you give the Irish free drinks."
If he says you're too good for him, believe it.
Outside an auto-repair shop in Danboro, Pennsylvania:
"Wreck Amended."
A note on a taxidermist's window in New England boasts:
"We really know our stuff."
Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an
alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space inthe
master bedroom.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it
will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me
6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Repairs.....
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local
repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer
probably needed only to be cleaned. Since the store charged
$50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off
reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss
know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try
to fix things themselves first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But the fact that some g eniuses were laughed at does not
imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed
at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the
Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
~~ Carl Sagan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Amanda for this one
Try this:
go to http://www.google.com
enter miserable failure in the search line, then click
"I'm Feeling Lucky"
LOL!! ;->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know why the blonde in California quit being Catholic?
She went to Mass every Sunday, but eventually the air fares
to Boston caused her to go bankrupt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit
offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising
ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't
talking to you. I was talking to God."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This country was founded on debt. Hey, right off the bat, we
got ourselves into hock to pay for the Revolutionary War. And
then, in 1803, we purchased the Louisiana Territory, and they
only sent us the clear title for that three weeks ago."
--Dennis Miller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Robin for these . . .
THOSE FLORIDA DRIVERS
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo,
the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He
says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot
in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting
in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs
or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on
wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy,
isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"SUPERSEX"
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem
of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"ROMANCE"
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when
we w ere courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and
tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said:
"Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she
said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering
things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if
anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and
tell him about the memory problems they've been having.
After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are
physically fine but might want to start writing things
down to help them remember things. They thank the
doctor and leave.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair.
"Where are you going?" asks his wife.
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks.
"Sure," he says.
She says,
"Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember."
"I'll remember," he says
"Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says.
"You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."
"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his
patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know
you will forget that so you better write it down."
Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down!
I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to
get the food. After about 20 minutes he returns from the
kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a moment and says,
"You forgot my toast. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER "
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex
with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"OLD FRIENDS "
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends
for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.. For at
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"SENIOR DRIVING "
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Man at the Mall
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man
looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the
matter old-timer? Nev er done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The
blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"
"Helllooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes
and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line
for the men that dominated their women on earth and
the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the
women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the
men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men that dominated their women,
there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?".....
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me
to stand here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to
the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets
the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it
down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure,
throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgu n, then
just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun
in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me
want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up
your mess from the last time you were here. What the
heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for Upper
Management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit,
leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest
of day."
look smaller out in the wide open spaces of a tree lot, so
keep that in mind...you could end up with a tree too big to
get into the room!
Also, enter the house stump first...you have no idea how
comedic it is to go in top first and get caught in the door-
way by an errant branch. Pure Three Stooges!
HOW TO DECORATE A TREE
* Test the lights BEFORE putting them on a tree. (Or house
for that matter). NOTE: sometimes you have to do it the hard
way to learn. Nothing like spending 2 hours on the roof
looking for the faulty socket
* First put the tree in the stand. We've found that if you
do this outside its alot easier. Be sure to trim an inch or
so off the tree end so it can suck up water. It will have
calloused over between the time it was cut and you bring it
home.
* Next place the tree in your house. Ideally it should be
clo se to an electric plug and not too close to any source of
heat which will dry it out. By the way, while its still out-
side you could spray it with a fixative so that it will not
lose as much water through the needles and will last longer.
Try to place it where you can get to all sides of the tree
easily for decoration. But if you put it in a corner- you
won't have to put decorations in the back and since your
just starting out you might not have that many decorations.
* Here's a tip: wear gloves so you don't get sap all over
you and so you don't jab those sharp needles into your
hands.
* Next come the lights-you can choose large traditional
lights, small mini-lights in colors or in plain white,
blinkers or non blinkers as suits your taste. This is the
hardest part of decorating the tree.
* First, to give our tree a fuller/deeper look, first put
the lights on the tree deep into the branches. Probably 1/4
to 1/3 of the way from the trunk. Then, a 2nd time around
the tree placing the lights about the same distance from 1
strand as the 1st strand was away from the trunk.
* Next comes garlands if you have them. Make large (6" on
top of the tree, 12" near the bottom) swags. Check as you go
around the tree so that the 'U's of the garland hang nicely.
* Finally...on go the ornaments. Many families (and all the
Christmas movies) save the spire on the top for last-but
that's just a tradition. It's easier if you put the star or
spire or angel on first.
* Smaller ornaments go on top...larger as you go down the
tree into the broader, sturdier branches. If using ornaments
of the same type or color, try to place them all around the
tree so no two are too close together.
* Finally, if you want you can place tinsel on the tree. Now
I've seen snits start over tinseling a tree. There are two
schools of tinseling. .."feathering" of the tinsel by draping
one to three strands at a time (Start at the top and work
your way around and down the tree. This can take forever but
it will be Hallmark looking by the end.) Or the throw a hunk
on and have a drink style. Up to you.
WARNING: Tinsel if swallowed can be hazardous to children
and pets (cats especially). So if you have those and use
tinsel, watch them carefully.
* There are smoke detector ornaments now so it might be a
good idea to use one of those.
* Keep fresh water in the stand at all times-they make auto-
matic waterers now that make this less of a chore. They also
make stuff to put in the water to keep the tree alive lon-
ger- but this is toxic to animals and children so again be
careful if you use it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Gifts NOT to buy a Woman (more truth than jokes here)
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or
so mething that is going to make "housework" easier. For
instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those
mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck
the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise
choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle.
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large
box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should
last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial
strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared
to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped
and thought about what would be a much more intimate
gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5
Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices,
or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a
weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on
your collar after a "night out with t he boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for
her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new
drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use
by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for
even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift
like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas
with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon
character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not
consider her the woman that she is. Take out that wallet
and buy her something from Victoria's Secret (just like you
would for a mistress or girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de
Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit,
or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume,
spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home
Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she
is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries
to cut glass with it. (They actually test them you know.)
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one
minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Believe me,
she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and
mumbling under her breath, "were would I ever wear this
outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional
hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think
your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the
rest of the world that that is a taboo.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to a fitness center or
Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially
the ones who have learned the correct response to "do
these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor
souls who st ill doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this,
be prepared for the silent treatment for a month.
(Although that may be something you would actually look
forward to.)
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream,
or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday."
These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons
for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may
stand up in court of law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holiday Season Conduct
Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's
to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during
a party is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
Chores and charitable requests are not to be filed under
"Bah, Humbug."
Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and
through the woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frost y, the Snowman" under your breath
at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.
All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2004.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ricky was at the mall and went into a toy shop, picked up
a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started
to leave.
The shopkeeper told him, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't
real money."
Ricky continued walking out of the shop and didn't reply.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Ricky kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Ricky said "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not
real money."
Ricky looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the
shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, why do men have to
settle for a dog?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holiday Fruitcake Recipe hehehe
---------------------------
You'll need the following:
1 C water
1 C sugar
1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest
quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the
whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and add one
tabl e. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't
forget to off the beat turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ODD THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
I have never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.
--Lawrence
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Time is relative, meaning good times go fast and bad times
go slow. Don't you wish some relatives were time and just go?
--Lawrence
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who deter mine which client has the
better lawyer.
In the words of Jack Nicholson "This is what happens when
you give the Irish free drinks."
If he says you're too good for him, believe it.
Outside an auto-repair shop in Danboro, Pennsylvania:
"Wreck Amended."
A note on a taxidermist's window in New England boasts:
"We really know our stuff."
Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an
alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space inthe
master bedroom.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it
will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me
6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Repairs.....
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local
repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer
probably needed only to be cleaned. Since the store charged
$50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off
reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss
know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try
to fix things themselves first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But the fact that some g eniuses were laughed at does not
imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed
at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the
Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
~~ Carl Sagan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Amanda for this one
Try this:
go to http://www.google.com
enter miserable failure in the search line, then click
"I'm Feeling Lucky"
LOL!! ;->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know why the blonde in California quit being Catholic?
She went to Mass every Sunday, but eventually the air fares
to Boston caused her to go bankrupt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit
offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising
ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't
talking to you. I was talking to God."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This country was founded on debt. Hey, right off the bat, we
got ourselves into hock to pay for the Revolutionary War. And
then, in 1803, we purchased the Louisiana Territory, and they
only sent us the clear title for that three weeks ago."
--Dennis Miller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Robin for these . . .
THOSE FLORIDA DRIVERS
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo,
the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He
says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot
in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting
in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs
or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on
wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy,
isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"SUPERSEX"
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem
of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"ROMANCE"
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when
we w ere courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and
tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said:
"Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she
said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering
things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if
anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and
tell him about the memory problems they've been having.
After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are
physically fine but might want to start writing things
down to help them remember things. They thank the
doctor and leave.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair.
"Where are you going?" asks his wife.
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks.
"Sure," he says.
She says,
"Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember."
"I'll remember," he says
"Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says.
"You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."
"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his
patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know
you will forget that so you better write it down."
Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down!
I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to
get the food. After about 20 minutes he returns from the
kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a moment and says,
"You forgot my toast. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER "
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex
with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"OLD FRIENDS "
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends
for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.. For at
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"SENIOR DRIVING "
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Man at the Mall
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man
looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the
matter old-timer? Nev er done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The
blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"
"Helllooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes
and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line
for the men that dominated their women on earth and
the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the
women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the
men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men that dominated their women,
there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?".....
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me
to stand here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to
the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets
the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it
down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure,
throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgu n, then
just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun
in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me
want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up
your mess from the last time you were here. What the
heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for Upper
Management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit,
leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest
of day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail
to bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.
Don't forget to check out my webstores!
http://bluesbaby.surplusalert.com
http://bluesbaby.freeblvd.com
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com
<>If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail
to bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.
Don't forget to check out my webstores!
http://bluesbaby.surplusalert.
http://bluesbaby.freeblvd.com
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com
<>If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Just keep repeating its almost Christmas and then I can relax
. . . its almost Christmas and then I can relax . . .
its almost Christmas and then I can relax . . .
its almost Christmas and then I can relax . . .
--
posted by Bluesbaby @ 11:17 AM
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