FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 3

Fun on the weekly websites and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 3 January 19, 2004

Yikes!!! It's bitter cold with windchill dipping to 20
BELOW 0 F here, so I am glad we have Martin Luther
King Day as an additional excuse to keep the kids home
from school. For the southerners, this is so cold that you
can't take a deep breath and exposed skin can freeze in
something like 30 seconds. Stay warm ya'll and if you
can stay home, do that! This is life threatening weather;
all it takes is a flat or stalled car to create a dangerous
emergency situation. Thinking warm thoughts ;->


Stolen or forfeited goods - When the rightful owners are not
easily identified, and once merchandise is no longer needed
as evidence, it must be disposed of properly. Founded and
managed by former police officers, this site harnesses the
power of the internet to generate income greater than the
usual police auction would bring.
http://www.stealitback.com/



I don't often send you to a site with commercial
products unless its well worth it. Well if you could
make 10 friends laugh for a buck? Just use Paypal
to avoid the hassle of a credit card transaction.
http://www.goohf.com/

The same guy also has other sites including a
spam 101 website, to help us all avoid it.
http://www.spamprimer.com/


Yes indeed, I do read his other publications
which are articulate and amusing stories of
how wacky we all are
http://www.thisistrue.com/

and bizarre lawsuits that come up in court
http://www.stellaawards.com/


For those into the techno end of computing
http://www.grc.com/default.htm



I was catching up on some old email and was intrigued
http://www.wired.com/news/conflict/0,2100,60267-2,00.html?tw=wn_story_page_next1
by this story, so I went looking for the website
http://www.savebrian.org/

Instead at first I found this rather amusing commentary
on how public our lives have become since the web has
grown up around us
http://www.brianrobertson.net/tribute.htm



Looking forward to spring (for beginners and
the experienced gardener.)
http://www.gardenweb.com/


Distinguished Restaurants of North America
http://www.dirona.com/


Edgar Allan Poe
http://knowingpoe.thinkport.org/default_flash.asp


Feral Children
http://www.feralchildren.com/en/index.php


Vintage Vegas
http://www.crecon.com/vintagevegas/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from
the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely
able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the
bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures
from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for next few hilarious jokes this week. . .
A Nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a
neighborhood Cowboy bar. The place was hopping with music
and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt
into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the
room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and
asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Sister, I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the Nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most
private part is covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense", said the Nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the Nun the door at the top of the
stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did
stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the
restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand, "said the puzzled Nun.

"You see", laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is
lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place...
Now, how about that drink?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both
know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called...they found your head..

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't
have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you
have to be one..

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile
to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America ...now speak English!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was
finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and
wonderful man her late husband had been.

"William thought of everything," she told them. "Just
before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed
me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my
last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead,
please open them and do exactly as I have instructed.
Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note,
'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I
bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a
comfortable lining that I know William is resting very
comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note,
'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a
very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods
for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note,
'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."

Holding her hand in the air, Beatrice said, "So, do you
like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Reasons Why Tv Is Better Than The World-Wide Web

1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when
you change TV channels.

2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends"
and got a "Not Found 404" message?

3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV—even
on MTV.

4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit
this evening.

5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves
with an "Under Construction" sign.

7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8. You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook
up to cable.

10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda
in one hand and chips in the other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If money won't make you happy, you won't like
poverty either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you
might as well be happy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and
write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.' "

Everyone began to write furiously except Philip, who
leaned back with arms folded,

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why aren't
you writing?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when
the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this
room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned,
he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back
of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the
William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
~~ Dan Rather
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're living in 2004 when.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is
that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked
for three different companies.

10. You learn about your lay-off on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards.

and the real clinchers are...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to
your "friends".

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to
you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a No.9.

(Bet you all did this one!?!?!?) LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers
disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when
the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my
heart by announcing:

"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in
approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car.
So if I were you, I'd remain seated."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!


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