FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 5

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 5 February 2, 2004


Happy Groundhogs Day! Time to see if we'll have six more
weeks of winter. Predictions are based on sunrise siting. Not
sure I can take too much more of the kind of winter we have
been having so "come on groundhog, do your thing".

http://www.groundhog.org/ Punxatawney PA
http://groundhog.4-evercards.com/ghoga.html Sun Prarie WI
http://www.birminghamzoo.com/ Birmingham AL
http://www.yellowrivergameranch.com/ghday.htm Lilburn GA
http://www.southbrucepeninsula.com/index.cfm?member=willie Wiarton Canada
http://www.dunkirkdave.org/ Dunkirk NY
http://www.vtonly.com/peewee.htm Mile Square VT


http://groundhogsday.com/ Lots of links but commericialized
http://www.stormfax.com/ghogday.htm history

Oh oh see what happens in St Louis
http://www.stlzoo.org/home/featurednews/groundhogsays.htm


Groundhog Carols
http://ourworld.cs.com/DonaldRHalley/ghdsongs.htm
http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/631/files/grndhgcarols.htm


If I ever decide I need a cat again I may have to pick out a
Ragdoll. Having had a huge Hymalayin - Siamese mix (about
24 pounds) when the kids were small and having the good
fortune that the grandkids have their own enormous, well
tempered cat (this one a 27 pound orange tabby) I know
just what snuggle bugs big kitties can be.
http://www.ragdoll-cats.com/descrip.htm



While we were spending our time in holiday mode
Dubya was selling us down the river. On Dec 23,
the Bush administration revoked protection for over
9 million acres in Alaska’s Tongass National Forest.
http://www.sierraclub.org/forests/

They offer places for protest to the outrages of our
environment. Nope I'm not a nature freek just a city girl
who would like to see big business think about the future
of the planet and possibly not make that extra buck strip
mining, clear cutting forests, and drilling in the wilderness!
They won't stop unless we MAKE them! We may be at
the top of the food chain but the ecosystem has a
delicate balance that needs better protection than this.



Your tax dollars at work. (Better look at it while you can
before Bush sells it to big business for pick one a) strip
mining, b) clearcutting timber, or c) oil drilling in the
wilderness areas)
http://visibleearth.nasa.gov/



A great bookmark for travelers with time conversion,
currency conversion and translation helpers
http://www.virtualtourist.com/vt/tt/


I'm always looking for a good read, so try this one or one
of the other Conde publications like Epicurious, Style or
House and Garden
http://www.newyorker.com/


Once upon a time, Todd was laid off and created this site.
He has added to his daily stuff (DAILY FACT I LEARNED
FROM THE TV, DAILY GOOD NEWS, DAILY FUNLINK,
and DAILY LETTER) since then so there are plenty of
amusing time wasters here.
http://www.oddtodd.com/


Requires registration but a cool new Web portal with
free services to help identify hackers and suspects by
tracing an IP address to its geographical location and
identifying the network service provider for the IP
address, to check your Internet connection speed,
both download and upload, and identify system, model
number, and cache settings.
http://www.mycooltools.com


When the days get colder I seem to spend more time
experimenting in the kitchen. If you are looking for some
exotic or ethnic recipes try one of these sites:
http://www.tarladalal.com india
http://www.sanjeevkapoor.com india
http://www.gastronomie.com france
http://www.marmiton.com france
http://www.1worldrecipes.com spicy
http://www.discoverlanzarote.com carribean
http://www.culinaryforum.com recipes and techniques
http://www.capriflavors.com capri
http://www.italianmade.com italy
http://www.agferrari.com italy
http://www.miettas.com australia
http://www.gourmetireland.com ireland


My kind of people for really quick meals
http://recipes.chef2chef.net/ (they had a slogan
"9 out of 10 people like Chocolate. . .
The 10th person always lies... ")


And there are always the 'old' standbys:
https://www.bettycrocker.com/ recipes, charts and how to's
http://www.ivillage.com/food/experts/mrfood/
http://www.emerils.com/recipedb/index.php
http://www.marthastewart.com/



Visual poetry and science fun narrated in an object oriented
graphic environment.
http://www.levitated.net/


After all the advertising for wedding week I thought
this was appropriate - shortest celeb weddings
http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/vh1_all_access/64609/episode_about.jhtml


Keep a watch out for people standing near you at retail
stores, restaurants, grocery stores, etc., that have a cell
phone in hand. With the new camera cell phones, they
can take a picture of your credit card, which gives them
your name, number, and expiration date. Identification
theft is one of the fastest growing scams today, and this
is just another example of the means that are being
used. So... be aware of your surroundings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it true that a foot of snow equals an inch of water?

Nope, that's a myth. The weight of the snow is actually
more important than the depth in determining how much
water is produced when the snow melts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No one should live by the early bird policy without finding
out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car
one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two
little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevy convertible,
parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot is
closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and
asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased
the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and
drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady.

"And besides we are waiting. We were told that if
we bought a car here we would get screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience
at their exclusive country club when this stunning young
woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had
enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most
aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make
your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more
summers in Tuscany, no more Bentley Brooklands in
the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have
to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller
homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you who know computer engineers, are
computer engineers, or ought to be computer engineers.

Q When does a person decide to become an computer
engineer?
A When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be
an undertaker.

Q What do computer engineers use for birth control?
A Their personalities.

Q How can you tell an extroverted computer engineer?
A When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead
of his own.

Q Why did the computer engineer cross the road?
A Because they looked in the file, and that's what they
did last year.

Q How do you drive an computer engineer completely insane?
A Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up
a road map the wrong way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving through a small Southern town I saw a "Nativity
Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into
creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three
wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I
decided to stop at a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town.
I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She responded in annoyance, "You Yankees never do
read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply recall
anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a
passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right
here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-
way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they
all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. "Oh, this
is terrible," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think
we summoned you here, but we weren't expecting you,
and your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in
just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer,
this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're
ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix
a place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up
for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later, St. Peter's phone rang. "Pete, this is
Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy
is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised
enough money to buy air conditioning!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a
conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy
and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception afterwards, a
French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans
learned many languages, Americans only learned Englsh. He
asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English at these
conferences rather than you speaking French?"

Without hesitation, the American admiral replied, "Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged
it so that you wouldn't have to speak German."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Rules of Chocolate"

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, strawberries and orange
slices all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take
the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the
freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of
the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will
jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually
counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics
Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control
top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be
devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really
bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch
the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't
charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit
in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Real World Guide to being A Chicagoan

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is
Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live north or
South of Roosevelt Rd.

2. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old,
throw it out and buy new one.

3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago
has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

4. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase
in Chicago. We all drive like that.

5. All directions start with, "I-94" ... which has no beginning
and no end.

6. The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11. The evening rush
hour is from 2 to 8. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot.

8. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

9. All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of
way. Period.

10. If it's 100 degrees, It's Taste of Chicago.

11. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, It's opening day
at Comisky Park.

12. If you go to the Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park in
the "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2,500.00
for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Man plans and God laughs.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
President George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a
celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The
waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is
young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have
the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks,
"And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked
and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a
new administration that was committed to high principles
and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."

With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I
believe that's pronounced quiche."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian
dog.

The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this
comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
the fire hydrants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or
ice -- there are two other possibilities: one is paperwork,
and the other is nostalgia." Frank Zappa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and
a grocery bag?

A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is
used to carry groceries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to
celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A
sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending
that much."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.
If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the
Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Amanda for these
He said She said...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me," What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says,
"I'll miss you."
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -
That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa.
_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
___________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumor
_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy
came to them and said that because they had been such a
devoted couple she would grant each of them a very
special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world
with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....
Whoosh.... Immediately he turned ninety.

Gotta love that fairy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With the average cost for a Nursing Home reaching $188.00
per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when
we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations
at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount
and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or
room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they
provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,
washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors,
and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth
of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat
at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport,
fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday
Inn will take your reservation today. And, you are not stuck in
one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from
city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress
replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for
the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.
The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the
undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare
will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite
for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be
glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-
vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for these
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed
separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

THE RESULTS:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high-maintenance, has very
picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is
interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet
evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should
be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed
this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not
to make her mad!

THEN THERE IS THE MALE ADDENDUM

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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