FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 7

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 7 February 16, 2004




Well Saturday was Valentines Day and I'm sure we all at least
looked at candy and flowers somewhere along the way. How
could you miss them since they were in every store and gas
station accross the country, The first two sites tell why.


According to Beth Kimmerle, author of Candy: The Sweet
History "chocolate has long been seen as functional...(even)
as something that gave you energy, not something that
took you off your Atkins diet...I n the late 1920s and early
30s, candy bars had names such as "Denver Sandwich" and
"Chicken Dinner." For more info see:
http://cbs.marketwatch.com/news/story.asp?siteid=mktw&dist=nwhpf&guid=%7B990BDA39%2D7E1D%2D4BFF%2DADCC%2D07C92E7E0274%7D



If flowers were your gift of choice, you may want to see why:
http://cbs.marketwatch.com/news/story.asp?siteid=mktw&dist=nwhpf&guid=%7B6019D9A3%2DABA1%2D478F%2D83BB%2D078ADE982F80%7D



Promoting self-reliance among mainstream women, including
political freedom, economic liberty, and personal responsibility
http://www.iwf.org/



Now its hard to know what is safe to download.
To get a grip on the controversy try
http://www.whatsthedownload.com/



The top 12 Grow Younger™ strategies designed to make
your RealAge younger
http://www.realage.com/research_library/12ways.aspx



A great new word site - look up those bizarre things
the kids are saying now
http://www.wordspy.com/



Movie rental ideas based on your personality traits
http://www.whattorent.com/



Movies and activities related to time from the Science
Museum http://www.playingwithtime.org/



4 million people each month visit craigslist. Are you one of
them? A community that folks use to get the word out
regarding everyday stuff, and connect with others in the
local community to find jobs, companionship, community,
and housing since 1995.
http://www.craigslist.org/



Over 40,000 articles posted about 10,000 destinations
by people just like you. Can be downloaded to a PDA
http://www.world66.com/home



Lets not forget good, "old fashion" drive in theaters
currently a disapearing art form.
http://www.drive-ins.com/



Funny stuff particularly the Disney stories
http://www.povonline.com/Miscellaneous.htm


The rest are art and music related sites today
Fabulous sky shots posted from here to there
. . . beautiful sky everywhere
http://www.enchantedceiling.com/


Picture gallery of famous and influential women of our time
http://www.npg.si.edu/cexh/woot/


100 Years of Photography - US
http://www.archives.gov/exhibit_hall/picturing_the_century/


Historic Pictures of London: people and places
http://www.photolondon.org.uk/


Sunday marked the start of the annual Picture of the
Year Contest for photojournalists which began in 1944.
Links offer previous years winners websites.
http://www.poy.org/

and for college for student photographers begun in 1945
showing outstanding vision, reporting and storytelling
http://www.cpoy.org/58/index.html


The Pulitzer Prize Photos
http://www.newseum.org/pulitzer/index.htm


Salvadore Dali Online Exhibit
http://www.daliweb.tampa.fl.us/


The 5 line self portrait: look, create, contribute
http://www.the5line.com/


The journal of a wandering artist
http://www.beasdiary.com/


Each picture in the gallery shows some part of the
culture around the blues. Many have music clips to
download and enjoy courtesy of the artist
http://www.steberphoto.com/



Interesting site covering the musical device of modulation
known as truck drivers gear change
http://www.gearchange.org/



Innovative commercials from the UK
(click on the kittens)
http://www.gorgeous.co.uk/


Vintage ads
http://www.drokk.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. President Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfield’s Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Diane for this one
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All
you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people
are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it
only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think
you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the
sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless
we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't
working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Anita for these
HERE'S THE FUTURE
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
May I have your..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order..."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Sheehan and you're calling
from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 494 2366,
your office 745 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566.
Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have
high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt
Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular
Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last
week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family
sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your
family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.
Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing
your bank $3720.55 since October last year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment
charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood
ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've
reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have
the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait
you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What the..?"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own
a Harley,...registration number E1123..."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember
on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive
language on a policeman...

Customer:( Speechless)

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving
me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your
records you're also diabetic....... " !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cat Physics

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside force—such as the opening of
cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a really
good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in
the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good
and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire
for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor
destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as
possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot
of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat
within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show
you he can.

19 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their
surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had
never seen a live football game before, Madge thought
the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity
for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium
overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the
kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth
struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader
performance that followed. Then came the second half.
When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff,
Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said.
"This is where we came in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point
that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde
got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how
she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought
about her situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she
got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow
plow to come by and follow it. That way she would
not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in
a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started
to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very
mug as they continued, and she was not having any
problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat
surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver
got out and came back to her car and signaled her to
roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all
right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's
advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a bizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she
could continue if she wanted... but he was done with
the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart
next.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was
Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus'
father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking
about Verge n' Mary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's Dictionary

AIRPLANE:
What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat
strained beets.

ALIEN:
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she
spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE:
Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM:
A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom)
to be self-cleaning.

"BECAUSE":
Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained
logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST:
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET:
Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud
off shoes.

CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always
winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids,
who have had the most sugar.

CHINA:
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love
leftover vegetables.

COOK:
1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO:
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE:
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying
about the kids in a different setting.

DUST:
Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into
a battle zone.

EAR:
A place where kids store dirt.

EAT:
What kids do between meals, but not at them.

ENERGY:
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times
by children.

EYE:
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom,
can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a
carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE:
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD:
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
"What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE:
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
assigns to a different family member each week, then
winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES:
Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM:
Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER:
A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but
not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS:
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic
soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to
consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT:
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

ICE:
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small
plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things
instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE:
That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once
Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them
ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO":
Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT:
When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS:
Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about
any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE:
Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK:
Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP:
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish
that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get
the seasoning just right.

KISS:
Mom medicine.

LAKE:
Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND:
Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table,
chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to
six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE:
An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-
mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning
experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS:
See "Kids' Friends"

MAKEUP:
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE:
No.

MILK:
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!":
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH:
1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS:
A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can
never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice,
opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat
ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC:
What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN:
What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several
dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN:
The position of children's mouths when they eat in front
of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER:
Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY:
Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS:
Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.

PIANO:
A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands
of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids
will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE:
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she
can never find beacuse they're buried under tissues, gum
wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-
food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples,
a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET:
A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth
of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left
for college.

RAINCOAT:
Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker
stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear
"the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR:
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER:
A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on
a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY:
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reinactments of famous
historic events.

SCREAMING:
Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS:
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting
children from the cold and reminding them that they have
to go to the bathroom.

SOAP:
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one
of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT:
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN:
What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with
Grandma.

SWEATER:
Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away
colds, fly and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST:
Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE:
A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S:
Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY":
How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good
for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS:
See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

TRAMP:
A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE:
Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH:
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom
must instruct her offspring to do something before it
actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR:
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the
wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA:
See"BUBBLE BATH"

VACATION:
Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to
find it there, too.

VITAMINS:
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow
each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow
up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS:
Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with
every room.

WASHING MACHINE:
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink
markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME":
Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO:
Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing
note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE:
Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children
who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing
constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE:
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to
sell kids's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at
the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to
part with.

"YIPPEE!":
What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year
was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION:
Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket
already this week.

ZUCCHINI:
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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