FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 10

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 10 March 15, 2004

This will be a long issue due to the severity of the issues.
While I believe we should protect our children from harm,
I don't believe we should protect them from knowledge.
I can't believe that we should allow them to ignorantly
plunge into the world anymore than I think we should let
them out of the house without any basic safety advice
about crossing the street.

One of the great things about living in this country at
this time in history is be able to have an opinion and share
it without fear of repercussion. Early last year I was quite
troubled to find book banning in our midst now. I spoke at
length to a librarian involved in the process of preserving
those books which at times have included "Ulysses" by
James Joyce, a number of Shakespeare's works including
MacBeth", "Hamlet", "The Merchant of Venice", and in 1996,
Merrimack, New Hampshire schools banned "Twelfth Night"
so we are not talking about ancient history. Also in this
sorry, witch hunt type mentality have "The Story of Doctor
Doolittle", "Little Red Riding Hood", " The Adventures of
Huckleberry Finn", "The Color Purple", "Catch-22", and
"Canterbury Tales" been banned. For more info:
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/books/banned-books.html
http://www.luc.edu/libraries/banned/banbook.html
http://www.st-charles.lib.il.us/arl/arl_banned.htm


Now its censorship of the airways. I'm afraid to ask what's
next.

Americans have enjoyed the privilege of free speech until
now. Are you ready to give up one of your constitutional
rights to the knee jerk reactionary zealots listed below?
Can we allow censorship by this group which affects how
we are allowed to think and gather ideas?

Let your senator know you will not have your own free
speech privilge abridged! Please call them (see the list
below) or write via snail mail to
508 Dirksen
Senate Office Bldg
Washington, DC 20510-6125
or use their web form
http://commerce.senate.gov/contact/index.cfm?sndto=communications
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A43113-2004Mar9.html

The Communications Subcommittee
John McCain - Arizona (R)
Russell 241 202-224-2235


Ted Stevens - Alaska (R)
Hart 522 202-224-3004


Conrad Burns - Montana (R)
Dirksen 187 202-224-2644


Trent Lott - Mississippi (R)
Russell 487 202-224-6253


Kay Bailey Hutchison - Texas (R)
Russell 284 202-224-5922


Olympia Snowe - Maine (R)
Russell 250 202-224-5344


Sam Brownback - Kansas (R)
Hart 303 202-224-6521


Gordon Smith - Oregon (R)
Russell 404 202-224-3753


Peter G. Fitzgerald - Illinois (R)
Dirksen 555 202-224-2854


John Ensign - Nevada (R)
Russell 290 202-224-6244


George Allen - Virginia (R)
Hart 708 202-224-4024


John Sununu - New Hampshire (R)
Russell C4 202-224-2841


Ernest F. Hollings - South Carolina (D)
Russell 125 202-224-6121


Daniel K. Inouye - Hawaii (D)
Hart 722 202-224-3934


John D. Rockefeller IV - West Virginia (D)
Hart 531 202-224-6472


John F. Kerry - Massachutsetts (D)
Russell 304 202-224-2742


John B. Breaux - Louisiana (D)
Hart 503 202-224-4623


Byron L. Dorgan - North Dakota (D)
Hart 713 202-224-2551


Ron Wyden - Oregon (D)
Hart 516 202-224-5244


Barbara Boxer - California (D)
Hart 112 202-224-3553


Bill Nelson - Florida (D)
Hart 716 202-224-5274


Maria Cantwell - Washington (D)
Hart 717 202-224-3441



Inroads against Roe vs Wade
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040227/ap_on_go_co/unborn_victims_23


Now for some of the less serious items this week on the web

Just in time for Saint Patrick's Day
Kids Sites
http://www.kidsdomain.com/holiday/patrick/
http://www.dltk-kids.com/crafts/patrick/
http://www.primarygames.com/holidays/st.patricksday/stpatricksday.htm
http://www.alphabet-soup.net/hol/stp.html

For the grownups and bigger kids
http://www.st-patricks-day.com/index.asp
http://people.howstuffworks.com/saint-patrick.htm
http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/stpatricksday/main.html
http://www.stpatricksday.com/2002/index-en.html
http://www.ireland.com/events/st.patricks/
http://www.saint-patrick.com/



The largest Internet medical reference site directory for journals
and associations with more than 3,000,000 visits logged per year
with a database in excess of 25,000 links in 80 medical specialties,
and home pages for 4,000 medical associations
http://www.medbioworld.com

It is complemented by Healthnostics' consumer healthcare
information site, http://www.familymedicalnet.com.


If you use MSN Messenger its time to patch it before the
flaws open your hard drive to hackers. To check for that
as well as other critical updates to your system.
http://v4.windowsupdate.microsoft.com/en/default.asp



Did someone send you a file that your software won't open?
FILExt is a detailed database of file extensions and programs
that use them. Just enter the extension (the part of the
file name after the . (dot) in the box on the left side, then
press the go button. It will help identify the file.
http://filext.com/


Is food and what to eat an issue with your kids at home or
when you go out to eat. The xperts at ParentCenter can help
http://www.parentcenter.com/health/food#meals

They have some tips on choices for the kiddie menus
http://www.parentcenter.com/news/?id=517649#story



Historical Presidential Campaign Slogans
http://www.presidentsusa.net/campaignslogans.html



Animals, made up using tube lines (UK´s version of subways),
stations and junctions were spotted by Paul Middlewick
some 15 years ago. The original Animal, the Elephant was
discovered while Paul was staring at the tube map during
his daily journey to work.
http://www.animalsontheunderground.com/



If you like http://www.drudgereport.com/
for scanning news you may also want to try
http://www.memeorandum.com/



Dr. Seuss has a United States postage stamp, a statue and,
as of March 11, a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. It's all
part of a bicoastal celebration of the centennial of Theodor
Geisel, best known as Dr. Seuss, the man responsible for the
Grinch, the Cat in the Hat and the Lorax, among many other
unforgettable creatures.

Geisel died in 1991, at 87, after a life that traded in the
imagination. At an early age he began to draw animals,
often adding an extra hump in a camel's back or a long
snout on a hyena's face for comic effect. While he
attended college he edited Jack O'Lantern, a humor
magazine. But it was Latin classes that had the most
enduring influence on his future art. "It allows you to
adore words, take them apart and find out where they
came from" he once said about Latin.

Today Dr. Seuss's 44 books have been translated into 21
languages, selling more than 500 million copies. You can
follow the centennial happenings on the Seussville Web
site, maintained by his publisher, Random House, and
which receives some 100,000 hits daily.
http://www.seussville.com



Sometimes you just have to have the Boys are Smelly
or the Boys have Cooties T shirt
http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com/new/lines/default.asp?category_id=1



Portal site to more than 170 gas price information web
sites all over North America. Check it out next time,
before you get gas . . . why pay too much?
http://www.gasbuddy.com/



Just for the guys
the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/features/2004_swimsuit/



The Smithsonian Institution and the Library of Congress
are preserving important collections of historical recordings
of spoken word and music. These original recordings are
on old wax cylinders, decaying wire, decomposing acetate,
and deteriorating audio tape. For more info:
http://www.saveoursounds.org/



Search the catalogue by artist, genre, or title. Learn more
about each release, listen to clips, or purchase recordings
http://www.folkways.si.edu/




If you never saw the "Honda it must be love" commercial,
its pretty amusing. Click on "See the original TV ad:"
http://love.honda.com/



We all know someone who is recently single again. With
that comes the separation of their stuff. This unique gift
registry offers funny self help therapy, reasonable advice
from their experts and a new outlook for a suddenly
single friend.
http://www.theytookeverything.com/



Cool photos revealed in thumbnails for further exploration
individually, mostly urban shots from Brisbane
http://dsankt.brisurbex.com/



Two sides of Japan: the kids, who will make the way
yours dress look normal, and the traditional kimono.
Clicking on home will take you back for even more
fabulous photos:
http://www.photosaga.com/Japon%20kids/index.htm
http://www.photosaga.com/kimonos/index.htm




All turtles, all television, all the time! Hilarious! Try ask
Granny. Turn down the sound if you are at work.
http://www.turtletvnetwork.com/



Online language for beginners and advanced learners,
phrase book to print and go, quizes, and news in 43
languages. Great resource and bookmark!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/languages/



This maybe the first online reality dating site. Similar to
other dating sites except you bid and keep or reject bids
from other members. Even if you haven't seen the show
you can play for keeps.
http://www.elimidating.com



Not only for youngsters but if you voted in the past, yet
abstained in recent national elections, and want to reclaim
your VoterVirgin-ity.
http://votervirgin.com/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trick question
Who was technically the first US president? (Warning: This is
a trick question and the answer is NOT George Washington.)

John Hanson was technically the first president of the United
States. George Washington was the first president under the
US constitution of 1789. America was an independent nation
for 13 years before the Constitution was signed. John Hanson
of Maryland served during part of this time as "President of the
US in Congress assembled." He only served for one year before
resigning due to poor health.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for these observations . . .
Can't eat beef... mad cow
Can't eat chicken... bird flu
Can't eat eggs... again, bird flu
Can't eat pork...fears that bird flu will infect piggies
Can't eat fish...heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmm! I believe that leaves chocolate!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not so long ago...

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

Compress was something you did to garbage not something you
did to a file.

And if you unzipped anything in public, You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

but when it happens they wish they were dead!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go
out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first
blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to
attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his
car-pool members to let them know that he would not be
leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it
on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without
me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this
note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You
drove, you idiot."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he
found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this
thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced
that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier
climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor
with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to
miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now,
Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might
be even better than me".

"Yeah right", she said, "That's what they said the LAST time
too!!!"


"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine,"I just need one copy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in
the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper."
Jerry Seinfield

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to
control his wife?


A bachelor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will
kill any man who does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did
you see that?"

"No," Darryl replies.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."

"Oh," responded Darryl.

A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on
that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"

By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes,
I did!"

And Tom says: "Then why did you step in it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How many computer programmers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?

A: None, that's a hardware problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file
for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The
farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you
have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have
a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean
do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I
park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church
on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife
beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.
WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mother taught me...

To appreciate a job well done
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I
just finished cleaning!"

Religion
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Time travel
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"

Logic
"Because i said so, that's why."

Foresight
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're
in an accident."

Irony
"Keep laughing and i'll 'give' you something to cry about."

Osmosis
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

Contortionism
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

Stamina
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

Weather
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

Physics problems
"If i yelled because i saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"

Hypocrisy
"If i've told you once, i've told you a million times -
don't exaggerate!!!"

The circle of life
"I brought you into this world, and i can take you out."

Behavior modification
"Stop acting like your father!"

Envy
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher
asks Tommy if he can spell "before".

He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell
before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher
asks, "Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I've been
questioned endlessly about my status by my friends,
relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed
a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going
out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you
dating anyone yet ?"

Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable
purse?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a child, he made his
acting debut in his elementary school production, "Music
Makers".

One day the teacher went around the room asking the
students to choose a famous composer to portray in
the school play.

so all the kids are choosing

The first child chose Mozart,

The next wanted to be Beethoven, etc.

When the teacher asked little Arnold's what his choice was.

He said

"I'll be Bach"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a
house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who
already owns a house in the woods." --Dennis Miller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four-year-old Jared was eating a hot dog when he dropped
it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take
another bite when his mom said, "No, Jared, you can't eat
that now it has germs."

Jared pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus,
germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear and I haven't
seen one of them yet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education
program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the
gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older
students. My observations were confirmed the day a new
student walked into our library area and glanced at the
encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting
in line for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, being young is beautiful...

but being old is comfortable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Useless Trivia"

- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

- Coca-Cola was originally green.

- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
US Treasury.

- It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

- Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle;
3) Golden retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.

- Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

- Men can read smaller print than women; women can
hear better.

- Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating
one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

- City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

- State with the highest percentage of people who walk
to work: Alaska

- Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

- Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City
and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him
immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer
here, gerry! Where do you think you are?"

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however
he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really," he said with a heavy accent, "I just
realized you actually came here for the food!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English
a second language. Backers of the move say the district is
the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language
of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit,
notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.

In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after
a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances
beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front
is used for emphasis:
Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."

These common phrases were translated from "Standard
English" to Hebronics:

English: "He walks slowly"
Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."
Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the
matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing"
Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a
sled to you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you know if a glass is half full or half empty?

A: Depends on if you are drinking or pouring.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany,
where my husband was stationed in the military. As I
checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me
some standard security questions. "Has anyone given
you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he
asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel
to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she
like you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Ohio, there's a six month waiting period for filing for
divorce. However, there's only a 15 day waiting period
to buy a handgun. It's nice to know the government is
giving us advice on how to work out our problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Happy Saint Patrick's Day and if you do decide to go out
and have a nip of Irish Cheer, please make plans to get
home safely again. Don't drink and drive!

Thanks and have a great week!