FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 9

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 9 March 8, 2004


Yes I'm back and finally having a day where sunshine prevails.
Its been raining almost every day here, what a change from
last week when the temperatures were 80 and 90 in Cancun
and the sun made the ocean so blue. The beach was just
beautiful, with some grey volcanic rock in places but mostly
soft white sand between my toes. I took plenty of pictures
at sunrise and sunset. I am trying to organize them now on
Yahoo photo. I will have that link ready next week.

Sigh . . .going to be down in the 20's at night. I just keep
thinking "why can't that be centigrade?" The weather for
the next few weeks in Cancun sounds great with highs in
the 80's during the day and 70's at night both of which
translate higher because of the humidity but where we
were (Cancun Island) there was always quite a breeze
from the ocean (today wind 5 MPH with gusts to 12 MPH
- that will make it seem hotter I'm sure) then cooling with
highs in the high 70's the next week. I know it would not be
the ideal climate for me cuz there were many times it was
too hot for me in February but it sure was nice to get out of
winter for a while. It was really nice here while I was gone
but it was nicer in Cancun of course. I do think I got just
enough sun now that the sunburned shoulders calmed down.

Cancun is a place I would recommend for everyone and
the Riu Caribe is a great hotel, located on the Island of
Cancun with a very private beach, on the local bus line,
near a market and a convenience store for the munchie
raids (my big need was diet coke, excuse me coca cola
light), with many amenities in the hotel including its own
internet center, beauty parlor, live entertainment, and
local vendors on hand in the evenings for those jewelry
and other souvenir purchases.


While I was gone I got phenomenal numbers of spam.
Have you had enough? Are you ready to learn more about
spam filters and how to use them? More spam resources at
the bottom of the article.
http://www-106.ibm.com/developerworks/linux/library/l-spamf.html


HistoryWired: A few of our favorite things is an experimental
program with virtual tour of selected objects from the National
Museum of American History.
http://historywired.si.edu/index.html


Booze fueled batteries
(what to do with the left over martinis . . . hehehe)
http://www.wired.com/news/gizmos/0,1452,58119,00.html



Free Flowers for Gay Weddings provided by donations to
Paypal. Basically, people are generously sending flowers to
random gay couples waiting in line to get married in San
Francisco. This is certainly a gesture of tolerance in a sea
of intolerance created by the Bush regime!
http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/flowers/


ie censorship:
Not only is Howard Stern taking so much flack for indecency
that he believes his on air days are numbered
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=499&ncid=716&e=9&u=/ap/20040306/ap_on_en_ot/howard_stern


but now a LA radio announcer is bounced for an obscenity
intended to be bleeped but missed by her engineer
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=8&u=/nm/20040305/od_nm/media_loh_dc


Girl Scout cookies are being boycotted due to religious right

http://www.wacotrib.com/news/newsfd/auto/feed/news/2004/02/15/1076825394.26609.5735.8225.html

http://www.kottke.org/04/03/those-naughty-girl-scouts

http://www.inoohr.org/boycottcookies.htm

http://www.wacotrib.com/news/newsfd/auto/feed/news/2004/03/01/1078120829.26609.3608.1701.html;COXnetJSessionID=AMOAiTWBMji7bA7u8bbPd6r3KKZiF2FRSAZFa46eqVd2s9Ybal1B!-831312766?urac=n&urvf=10787591049090.7910073181676416

http://www.lifenews.com/state401.html



and then I read that College for the Home-Schooled Is Shaping
Leaders for the Right (moving to Canada just looks better and
better all the time)
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/08/education/08HOME.html?th



On a lighter note, did you know you can access most of your
favorite comics from Yahoo? (scroll down for more listings)
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/umedia/cx_dilbert_umedia/latest


Great site for you experienced Blackjack Players or if
you're just learning. Pretty intuitive just click on amount
of bet, then click on the space you want to play on, and
split, double, stand or hit.
http://qghosting.com/dis/blackjack/

Another game using pinchers to collect springs
http://www.tonypa.pri.ee/robootik_e.html

For even more games, go to the zone
http://zone.msn.com/en/root/puzzle.htm

Links for free backgammon servers, software and info
http://www.gammon.com/index.shtml
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A long time ago, there was an Emperor who told his horseman
that if he could ride on his horse and cover as much land area
as he likes, then the Emperor would give him the area of land
he has covered.

Sure enough, the horseman quickly jumped onto his horse
and rode as fast as possible to cover as much land area as he
could. He kept on riding and riding, whipping the horse to go
as fast as possible. When he was hungry or tired, he did not
stop because he wanted to cover as much area as possible.

It came to a point when he had covered a substantial area
and he was exhausted and was dying. Then he asked
himself, "Why did I push myself so hard to cover so much
land area? Now I am dying and I only need a very small area
to bury myself."

The above story is similar with the journey of our Life.
We push very hard everyday to make more money, to
gain more power and more recognition.

We neglect our health, time with our family and to
appreciate the surrounding beauty and the hobbies we
enjoy.

One day when we look back, we will realize that we don't
really need that much, but then we cannot turn back
time for what we have missed.

Life is not just about making money, acquiring power or
recognition.

Life is definitely not about work! Work is only necessary
to earn a living so that we can enjoy the convenience
and pleasures of life.

Life is a balance of Work and Play, Family and Personal time.
You have to decide how you want to balance your Life.

Define your priorities, realize what you are able to
compromise but always let some of your decisions be
based on your instincts.

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of Life,
the whole aim of human existence.

So, take it easy.

Life is fragile,
Life is short.
Do not take Life for granted.
Live a balance lifestyle.
Enjoy Life!

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer
sex raises some pretty good questions." ~~ Woody Allen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever
spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
~~ Woody Allen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Tomorrow is our permanent address."

-- E.E. Cummings, poet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the
Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked,
"How come after all these years we don't see you at
services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he
whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take
me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten
about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last
10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive
problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap
wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's
always enough time to do it over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ Look What I Found ~~~

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that
had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he
answered,"It's Adam's suit!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=== Awesome Factoid ===

In early Europe, there was a popular superstition that
the wearer of turquoise could never suffer a broken bone.
Instead, the turquoise itself would shatter and thus prevent
the accident. The stones were also set into horses' bridles
to keep them from stumbling and falling. These days, it is
common for horses' bridles to be decorated with turquoise
(usually imitation), although not many people who own
them know the custom's origin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things to Ponder

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Can you cry under water?

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
"chunkydunk."

How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a
"penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going
to? Taxes?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and
fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going
to see you naked anyway.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will
do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have.
You have character lines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Cats and Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note -
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you
can run.

I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years; canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other
dog's or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough. It
would be such a simple change for you.

Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, she is an adopted son
or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called, never drive your car, don't
hang out with any drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars
for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
results.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for this one . . .
Today is International Very Good Looking Darn Smart
People Day, VGLDSPD, so please send this message to
someone you think fits this description. Please do not
send it back to me as I have already received it over fifty
thousand times and my inbox is jammed full! ha ha ha
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work
in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade
and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity,
upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes, they're coming due again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for this one . . .
Everyone who has ever bought a house can enjoy this --
it's too good not to share, even if you've seen it before!


LOAN APPROVAL

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He
was told the loan would be granted if he could prove a
satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took
the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the
information to the FHA, he received the following reply
(actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in
which you have prepared and presented the application,
we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the
title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have title extended
further than the 194 years covered by the present
application. I was unaware that any educated person in
this country, particularly those working in the property
area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by
the United States, from France in 1803, the year of origin
identified in our application. For the edification of those
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had
acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land
came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery
made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking
a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The
good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as
careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of
securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to finance Columbus' expedition. Now, the Pope, as I'm sure
you may know, is an emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God,
and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made
that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would
be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the
beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I
hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also from my sister DO NOT MESS WITH A WOMAN!!!!!!!!


After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a
younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their
downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he
asked his wife to move out and get another place. His
wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3
days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She
spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the
movers come and collect her things. On the third day,
she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a good bottle of
Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and
deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the
hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the
kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all
was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment
began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping
and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead
rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were
hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days, and
in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.
Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to
move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky
apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving
company arrived and did a very professional packing
taking everything to their new home

...including the curtain rods.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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