FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 11

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 11 March 22, 2004

About 24,000 people die every day from hunger or hunger-
related causes. Since June 1999, The Hunger Site has
given more than 300 million cups of staple food through
50,000 local charitable agencies and 94,000 food programs
that provide food assistance to more than 26 million hungry
Americans including 8 million children and 4 million seniors.

100% of collected revenue from site sponsor advertising is
donated to charity. Increase your food contribution by
signing up to receive newsletters of interest, offered by
corporate partners. With each sign-up, you'll give 1 extra
cup. They will send you email reminders to click on weekdays
and/or Saturdays and Sundays. Shopping at their store will
also generate more food donations to the poor.

It only takes a minute to help so many. Just a click away.
http://www.thehungersite.com
you can move to other click type charities from the same site



Learn ASL (American Sign Language). MSU sponsors this
web site, where you can look up video of 1000's of ASL signs
http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm



Looking for some vintage items try this shop for unique
one of a kind things that make a fashion statement:
http://www.vintagetrends.com/



Ya gotta love Weird Al. His spoof on eBay including lyrics.
(Turn down your volume at work.)
http://www.erikasfriends.com/for_net/lj/song_for_you.htm

The real mission of the site is to showcase hand-picked,
exceptionally talented artists. Most of them have been
severely disabled in their adult lives, yet they continue to
exhibit unparalleled zeal for creativity and the skills to back
it up. Its not to late to check out their combined gallery
show (until March 27 in Mission Viejo, CA). Under artists
link, Erika demos how charcoals drawings are done.
http://www.erikasfriends.com/ef_contact.htm


Beauty in nature . . . the Aurora Borealis Webcam
http://www.aurorawebcam.com/


Exploring the miniature world, the Micropolitan Museum finally
exhibits these often overlooked works of art which are only
visible with the aid of the microscope.
http://www.microscopy-uk.org.uk/micropolitan/index.html


Frank Cammuso is the award-winning political cartoonist
for the Syracuse Post-Standard newspaper. Here is a film
noir type site where in addition to his political cartoons, he
offers his first interactive detective novels, and more books
to purchase in the Max Hamm series.
http://www.cammuso.com/


Ramblings, thoughts, comments, observations, and
miscellany about food (mostly french cooking.)
http://www.hertzmann.com/


The author of this site says "I'm sure I'm not alone in having
gone to countless restaurants where the appetizers are good
to great and the entrees are disappointing . . . I feel like in
order to introduce other people to more interesting food, I
have to understand how I was able to expand my own horizons."
http://www.tastingmenu.com/default.htm


The International Chili Society (ICS) is a non-profit
organization that sanctions chili cook offs with judging
and cooking rules & regulations. These events are
world wide and benefit charities or non-profit
organizations. See if there is a cookoff near you:
http://www.chilicookoff.com/



Do you want to show the world what a complete bunch of morons
we all work with or rant since we all love to rip someone a new
one? This site makes you realize we are not alone in our futility and
tries to stop the madness from spreading, as well as, teaches others
that there is no hope and to use the words 'WTF' since it is always
an appropriate answer. Generally sharing the misery.
http://www.iworkwithfools.com/


An ad music weblog ("blog") that serves as a guide to music
used in television commercials, shows, film trailers, soundtracks,
forums, and lists of advertising music related web sites
http://www.adtunes.com/


As of this week, we can view the last will and testament of
many famous folks. Among them William Shakespeare...
http://www.documentsonline.pro.gov.uk/shakespeare.pdf

View other selections at...
http://www.documentsonline.pro.gov.uk/



The American Society of Magazine Editors named six online
publications as nominees in the General Excellence Online
category as part of the industry group's annual national
awards. They are http://www.Beliefnet.com
http://chronicle.com/
http://news.com.com/
http://www.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/
http://skyandtelescope.com/
http://slate.msn.com/
Sites are considered if they have a "significant amount of
original content, outstanding level of interactivity, journalistic
integrity, service and innovative visual presentation."



If it's controversial, there's a Web site for it. For Howard
Stern, there are at least three. http://www.FreeStern.com
http://www.SaveHoward.org and http://www.StopFCC.com
all offer news and opinions on Stern and his complaints about
the FCC's rules on _expression and media indecency.



What to deduct for home office expenses
http://cbs.marketwatch.com/news/story.asp?guid={B97C5A93-9FDF-4748-AD94-9D8A1FED906A}&siteid=mktw&dist=nwhreal&archive=true


Not sure if they are kidding but No Pants Day is a day
where they propose everyone, be they students,
respectable businessmen, or cherished community
leaders, leave their pants behind.
http://www.nopantsday.com/


These are local Milwaukee youngsters with a lot of
talent filming this and that. Some of it is pretty weird.
Here its a totally mindless diversion - guess the correct
name of ordinary people. Try the quicklinks for more.
Requires Quicktime Player (download from site)
http://www.zerotv.com/namegame/index.cfm?game=now



Very cool site about swing dancing and other styles of dance
with more info that anyone can absorb on dance, dancers,
sty;es. clubs, history of dance, contests, marathons, quotes,
and other lore with links to other sites when appropriate.
http://www.streetswing.com/histmain/d5index.htm



Not my idea of living simply but I don't get camping either.
My idea of roughing it is a hotel without room service. This
looks to me to be doing it (living) the hard way. There are
a few links here that make this site worth visiting for travelers.
http://www.carliving.com/


All I can say is WOW - The Roof Jumper
Please do NOT try this at home!!! Requires
Windows Media Player. Check it out:
http://digitaltoxicity.net/ot/monkey.wmv


Amy is currently on date 41 of the the 50 she will report on
to her readers. Amy says " I got what seemed like a good idea
at the time: Why don't I look for a boyfriend and document
it on the Internet! " Fairly amusing as long as its not me dating.
http://www.datingamy.com/index.htm


Fun and Games with Garfield
http://www.garfield.com/fungames.html


More hours of fun and funny stuff
http://www.dribbleglass.com/mixed.htm


Weather quiz - weird but fun (I got 11 right)
http://html.local6.com/sh/quizine/833542/833542-1.html


Game show central
http://gscentral.net/


A new, free jigsaw puzzle every day that you assemble online.
http://www.jigsaw-games.com/jigsaw_web.php


According to TEEN IDOL TUTORIAL This week we draw your
attention to one of the stranger approaches to teaching science
that we've seen lately:Britney Spears's Guide to Semiconductor
Physics. Honest. We're not kidding. This may be the only site
where you can enter the mind of Lucky, a Britney song character,
and vote on which semiconductor or telecommunications
technology will fill the meaningless void in her angst-ridden
adolescent life. (For what it's worth, perfection in the growth of
high-quality GaInAsN is in the lead.) (VERY WEIRD!!!)
http://britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On to the chuckles . . .

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an
important deal went to church to pray for the money. By
chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100
to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into
the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left
the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed,
"And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some of you may know that I really did have a Grandmother
like this who was very active all through her eighties. She
even went traveling all by herself (with a tour group) to
Switzerland at 86.

I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything
worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing
to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV? So
last year, when the President suggested we all celebrate
Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I
decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor,
an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who,
I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter
because he was too old to take care of himself. I baked
a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some
old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten
this old guy's day.

When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door
dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as
ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond. "I'm sorry I can't
invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm
due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the
semifinals today."

"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."

"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I
need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"

I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while. But
that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on
Granny Grady."

"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just
called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight.
She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast
(at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job."

.... So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83);
she was in the hospital . . . . working in the gift shop . . . .
I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China . . .
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; . . . . he was
on his honeymoon . . . .

.... I still dread old age, now more than ever.

I just don't think I'm up to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink...
staring into the glass... deep in thought

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
grabs the drink, and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss,
outraged, fired me on the spot. When I left the building and
headed to my car, I found out it was stolen. The cops said
they could do nothing."

"So, I got a cab to return home, and then after I paid the cab
driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet
in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
gardener. I left home and came to this bar. I was finally going to
end it all, you show up and grab my glass and drink my poison . . . ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man-speak

1. "I can't find it."
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am
completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work."
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't
find the washer and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected to
it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain."
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately."
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
say, "Oh,have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jimmy was at his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the
Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their
right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He
looked around the room as he started the recitation,
"I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his
hand over the right cheek of his behind.

"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over
your heart."

Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand
over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think
that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she
picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little
heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a
lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students'
written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she
was having until one overly busy day when she sat at
her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again... "What
was the matter? What has been the matter? What
might have been the matter..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for these
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie:
Just one.
And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler:
Make me

5. Boxer:
Who cares?
I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!!
Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd:
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark,
check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just
one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried
to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb?
I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it?
I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua :
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

13. Greyhound:
It isn't moving.
Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs.
People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can
expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT
WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block
away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then
try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these
TELL TCHAIKOVSKY THE NEWS---

From the New Composer's Dictionary*:

Adagio fromagio-- To play in a slow and cheesy manner

An-gus dei-- To play with a divine, beefy tone

A Patella--- Unaccompanied knee-slapping

Frugalhorn-- A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument

Dill Piccolino-- A wind instrument that plays only sour notes

Approximento-- A musical entrance that is somewhere in the
vicinity of the correct pitch

*written totally with tongue in cheek, of course!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the moment of commitment the universe conspires to
assist you. ~~ Barbara Streisand

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my neighbor Mike for these thoughts to ponder

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have
branches?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured
out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and
fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're
going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-
fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we
could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize
you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they can while in prison? Do you think maybe if they had been
allowed to read the Bible in school, they may not be in prison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my friend Nancy for these thoughts to ponder
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you f.a.r.ted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's o.r.g.asm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates s.e.x by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have s.e.x
for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a
smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to
everyone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these . . .

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic
beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves
and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave
you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe
them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter
one year from now? How about one month? One week?
One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable
because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that
the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to
empty your bedpan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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