FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 20

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 20 May 24, 2004

Just a few days till I am off to the east coast to visit my son
and his wife near Philadelphia and also spend a few days with
them in Baltimore. My other son is heading to Hawaii . . .
hmmm does that seem right to you? If you have any must see
site seeing in those spots please send them to me ASP. And
by the way there will be no new issue next Monday between
travel and the holiday; I am taking the day off.


Free webcasts to help maximize business or organize your life
http://www.officedepot.com/promo.do?file=/promo/webcafe/index.html&template=promo


Travel tips and connectivity stuff for travelers
http://equipped.msn.com/tiparchive.aspx?cn=Organizing%20Principles


The Searchable Online Archive of Recipes has now become
RecipeSource,now organized by ethnic type and type of dish
http://www.recipesource.com/


Hans Christian Andersen, Cher, Tom Cruise, Albert Einstein,
Whoopie Goldberg, Greg Louganis, Lee Harvey Oswald, and
Gen. George S. Patton, are (were) all dyslexics.


Pepsi Edge and Coca-Cola C2 are the names in the news. While
I am not going to get into the Coke vs Pepsi debate I will send
you to this website to get info on more mature beverages.
http://www.bevnet.com

With reviews on over 1800 drinks, it links to a partner site
where many of these items can be purchased. Now I won't
kid you, its expensive but for those who are diabetic or in
search of a heathier choice there are variety packs to try.
They also have soda of the month and coffee tasters clubs.
http://www.beveragesdirect.com




I don't usuallysuggest commercial sites unless they are pretty
special. I think these all qualify:

http://www.holdeverything.com/ storage
http://www.hogsfly.com/ ribs
http://kopps.com/ custard/ice cream
http://www.sharperimage.com/ electronics
http://www.hardshell.com/ ebooks/trade paperbacks

http://secure.sovietski.com/cgi-bin/sovietski.storefront
http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/
http://www.plowhearth.com/welcome.asp


If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively
(1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050.


New E-mail tracking service ready to go. E-mailers can know when,
whether and even where you read their messages. The company
plans to formally launch a message-monitoring service called
DidTheyReadIt?

The service costs $50 a year but you can try it free.To use it,
register on the Web site and attach the phrase "didtheyreadit.com"
to the end of an e-mail address.The tracking is invisible to recipients.
Didtheyreadit can be used by, among others, job applicants to make
certain their resumes were received by employers and not shunted
into junk e-mail folders. Similarly, parents can make sure their children
are reading messages. "It gives you a piece of mind andthat's what
our software does." http://didtheyreadit.com/



10 Hot jobs for retirees
http://cbs.marketwatch.com/news/story.asp?siteid=mktw&dist=nwhpf&guid=%7B930AA498%2D9E59%2D40B2%2D8004%2DD3D88EEEFEE3%7D


Have we all had enough reality TV yet? Well there is a new
twist or two. In The American Candidate the audience will
identify who they would like to see run for President of the
United States. 12 people in a series of challenges designed
to show viewers what really goes on in the making of a
presidential candidate. Like so many others one leaves each
week with the final episode a showdown between the
remaining two candidates, and one person will become the
"American Candidate."
http://www.americancandidate.com/home.php

Heaven help us but reality TV is growing even more
common this summer with offerings from Bravo like Blow
Out (about a hair salon), a new season of the Queer Guys,
and Project Runway to find the next smash designer (for
Fall) along with a slew of docudramas like Forty Duece and
Miami Slice (about plastic surgeons)
http://www.bravotv.com/


If you are watching or are interested in any of the gazillion
upcoming reality shows you may get the scoop here
http://www.realitytvworld.com/


The net savy comic strip
http://www.userfriendly.org/


Not only the site of Benbow Bullock (a metal sculptor for
30 years) but an international guide to sculpture gardens
http://www.artnut.com/



Not as well known as the Mardi Gras Crews but equally
as amusing to watch on New Years Day in Philadelphia
http://riverfrontmummers.com/sitemap.html
http://mummers.com/fancybrigades/



Thanks to Anita for this wacky site! See toys like we
never had 'em. Links open in new window.
http://www.goblertoys.com/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for these Rules of Montana . . . .
(They apply for Wyoming too...) actually they apply
in any small town in America

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop
when Easterners and Californians cross states such as
Oregon, Idaho, Washington, Wyoming, Colorado,
Montana, etc., these states' Tourism Councils have
adopted a new set of information guides.


In an effort to help outsiders understand the West,
the following list will be handed to each driver entering
the state:

(1) That rancher standing next to the barn did more
work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

(2) It's called a gravel road.. No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have
a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive and get
the hell out of the way.

(3) We all started hunting and fishing when we were
seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

(4) Any references to "beef-fed" when talking about our
women will get your asswhipped---by our women.

(5) Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Just don't
cry to us if a massive trout breaks it off at the handle. We
have a name for those little guppies you fish for---bait.

(6) Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

(7) If that cell phone rings while a herd of elk is approaching
during hunting season, we will shoot it. You might hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.

(8) That's right, Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a
fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

(9) No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order
steak. Order it rare. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick
off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

(10) You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet
and served over ice.

(11) So you have a $60,000 car you drive on weekends. We're
real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollarcombine that
we use two weeks a year.

(12) Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in some of our
towns. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

(13) Yeah, we eat moose. Venison too. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

(14) They are cattle. That's what they smell like. Get over it.

(15) So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?

(16) That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot---his name is Sir---no matter how old he is.

Now enjoy your visit and then go home!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912
Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter
cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger,
safe return doubtful.Honour and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's:

"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights,
lots fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your
picture in Outdoor magazine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for the history lesson from Jacki

Back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in
England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the
condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which
was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its
stop in New York. This would have been the largest single
shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever
lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise
and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at
the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a
National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th
and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for all these kids say the darnedest things:

3-year-old, Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie
raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally,
the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought
up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat
after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go
solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word
right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and one particular four-year-oldprayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put
trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,5,
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If
Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have
the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you
be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-
year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to
the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what
happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw
him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
theblessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these memos too:

MEMO:
Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats
sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to
turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull
the door open. I must exit through thesame door I entered. In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or
cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a
simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on
our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to
complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't
ask for moneyall the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug
using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying
the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the Groups I Belong to had an Explanation for the
Oil Shortage

Finally!!

There are a lot of folks who can't understand
how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada.

Well, there's a very simple answer......
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alberta.

All our dipsticks are in Ottawa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine's Day. When Ithink about romance, the last
thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at
me with a weapon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
-Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Courses to succeed in a politically correct world!

SSC101 Spinal Strengthening and Conditioning 1: This course
explores the techniques needed to have an opinion, state it,
and stick to it. The concepts covered in this course are
designed to strengthen the students backbone (or develop
one in some extreme cases).

SSC102 Spinal Strengthening and Conditioning 2: This course
is a continuation of SSC101 and deals with the converse side
of the opinion issue: how to bend gracefully when life demands
it.The concepts discussed in this course are designed to help
avoid backbone stiffness, brittleness orbreakage.

MSC101 Mental Strengthening and Conditioning 1: This course
introduces techniques that allow the student to make room in
the brain for new information.

MSC102 Mental Strengthening and Conditioning 2: This course,
which continues the material begun in MSC101, is designed to
teach the student how to choose wisely what is put into the
brain and how to avoid the mental junk food that can weaken
the brain.

ESC101 Emotional Strengthening and Conditioning 1: This
course introduces the concept that one does not need to
become emotionally unstable when confronted by the
unpleasant aspects of life.

ESC102 Emotional Strengthening and Conditioning 2: This
course continues the discussion begun in ESC101 and teaches
specific techniques for maintaining emotional stability in a
chaotic world.Topics covered include how to respond to
insensitive or poorly thought-out comments (both spoken
and written); howto graciously process negative emotions;
and how to avoid the temptation to get even (this list is by
no means all-inclusive; students will be encouraged to suggest
topics for class sessions).

SSD101 Social Skills Development 1: This course introduces
the skills necessary to use the knowledge gained from
previous courses (see list above) in interactions with others.
(While the University wishes to make this course a graduation
requirement for all students, the University's attorneys have
advised the administrators that such a requirement would be
highly impractical, as the number of people at large in the
world who have not taken SSD101 far outnumber those who
have taken it. Therefore, the course may actually put our
graduates at a disadvantage but we still recommend you
take it, if only for your own sake.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned thatmost
people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull
on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is
to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the
fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies .. . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these
terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around
on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, lets
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge
of immigration...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this test
This is for all you educated people on my list.
NO CHEATING!!

Below are four questions. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. Ready?

GO!!!

First question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?


Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his
place, YOU are second!

Try not to screw up the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you
took for the first question.


Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are....?


Answer:

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do
NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000, and now
add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for the answer....



Did you get5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day.

Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question

Mary's father has five daughters: 1.Nana, 2.Nene, 3.Nini,
4.Nono What is the name of the fifth daughter?



Answer: Nunu?

NO!! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.



THIS IS BEING SENT TO FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE"
IN MY LIFE -- and I'm keeping my score a secret.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these Quotable quotes


Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had
ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ...
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermonis to have a good beginning and
a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir
... mighty scarce. Mark Twain


By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness
and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee providesin a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. ~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The
world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would
stop dying. ~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to
offer me the position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

A woman drove me todrink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy
to thank her. ~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do
in it. ~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress. ~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But ...everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's
too old to go anywhere. ~Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~Unknown

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