FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 15

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 15 April 19, 2004

Good Morning! I hope everyone got a chance to enjoy the preview
of summer weather over the weekend. I did and itwas great to
have a chance to get out without a jacket orother winter wear for
a change!

To see if you will have more great weather like this soon try
http://www.accuweather.com/

It offers a forecast out 15 days for any zipcode and works in
Canada, Mexico and the rest of the world too. Its great for
planning what to pack on an upcoming trip or when to have
friends over for a barbecue or outdoor party.

"Want some fries with that?" from Sony's new download service,
Sony Connect. Soon some songs will be available to McDonald's
patrons for free with the purchase of certain menu items, with
customers receiving codes they can use online for the downloads.
At launch, the Connect service will feature more than 500,000
tracks from the major music companies and many independent
labels. Users will be able to easily browse through content by
artist, title or genre. Sign up now to beta test this site.
http://www.connect.com/

Last October, Apple partnered with PepsiCo to promote iTunes
services offering 100 million free song downloads to consumers
who find winning codes under the caps of their soft drinks. Of
course some of the kids figured out if you tipped the bottles
you could read the winning codes without buying the Pepsi.
Even so the promotion has not reached the 100 million mark.
Mostly a paid service but that seems to be the direction the
digital download industry is headed.
http://www.apple.com/itunes/

In other music news, the RIAA continues to persecute the
music downloaders with another 532 indictments while it's
site goes dark for 5 days due to virus infection. Too bad they
aren't smart enough to know that you don't open strange
attachments or maybe its good for the rest of us that they
aren't real bright to begin with or they would be reeking
even more chaos with their bogus nonsense lawsuits. Their
site is down this morning too.

Agreed the artist should be fully compensated for their work
but historically its the recording industry cheating the artists
not college kids, teens or the other victims of this witch hunt.
This is costing all of us who have never downloaded one song
since we pay the judges and court staff, our ISP's are being
subpoenaed for their records (that includes my local phone
company, a DSL provider), and there is no end in sight to this
madness anytime soon.

As always I support the musicians NOT the labels who have
consistently been in it for the buck, not the music, nor the
musicians who create the music!
http://www.boycott-riaa.com/

Because who makes your music matters. "The RIAA Radar is a
tool that music consumers can use to easily and instantly
distinguish whether an album was released by a member of the
Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA)."
http://www.magnetbox.com/riaa/

On a happier note, exploring and celebrating musical diversity,
whether your preference is blues, funk, jazz, hip-hop, punk,
rock ‘n’ roll, or country EMP has a lot to cover. Experience
Music Project (EMP) is an interactive music museum located in
Seattle, Washington. Broadband is best to explore all the nooks
and crannies but everyone can enjoy something here:
http://www.emplive.com/index.asp

While still on the topic of music here are other bookmarks worthe
xploring now or later
http://www.allmusic.com/ music guides
http://ubl.artistdirect.com/ bands, venues, bios
http://www.musicselection.com/ imports
http://www.milesofmusic.com/ roots
http://www.elusivedisc.com/ hard to find
http://www.redtrumpet.com/ more audiophile
http://www.cdbaby.com/ independent releases

Until I saw this on Oprah I never realized the practice of polygamy
http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200310/tows_past_20031009.jhtml
was still going on to this extent. Before this explodes in the news,
catch up with the facts on this problem here:
http://www.azfamily.com/sharedcontent/southwest/azfamily/features/polygamy/

Tour the old fashioned Motion Picture Palace where generationso
f folks arrived weekly to be entertained by the Silver Screen.
Done as a project in American Studies by the U of Virginia.
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~CAP/PALACE/

The coolest toys ever according to Sam. FAQ's show many
links to other toy sites and offer local ideas for a toy searchof your own.
http://www.samstoybox.com/

See what's new at the network for games
http://www.gsn.com/

The evolution of games since 1800. Games have always had
distinct cultural purposes, providing intellectual challenges and
entertaining practice in analysis and strategy. Some gameswere
conceived to deliver political messages. From Cornell
University Division of Rare and Manuscripts Collection a look
at past and current ideas about games.
http://rmc.library.cornell.edu/games/

T-SHIRT TRAVELS produced for PBS was intended to make
people rethink or at least question some of our assumptions.
Track a T shirt on its journey from a charitable donation to
its eventual purchase
http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/tshirttravels/

Many other hours of documentary TV to be seen
http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/guide.html

Need or want to cut back on your expenses. Try this frugal
cooking site for tips to save time and money in the kitchen.
http://www.cheapcooking.com/

Speaking of cheap look at Bobs Travel Page for some really,
REALLY cheap places to stay and you may want to look at
the phrase books but just for a laugh; don't try them out.
http://www.cromwell-intl.com/travel/Index.html

One of several major yards that made the SF Bay area the
most productive shipbuilding area in the U.S. during WW II,
and probably the most productive in world history. All of the
structures on the site have historical significance, but not all
can find new uses. Take a look at the challenges here:
http://www.pier70sf.org/

On July 8, 1853, the first non sailing ship was sighted in Japan.
Captained by Matthew Perry, this extraordinarystory is a
fascinating reflection of rare reference books, graphics,
catalogs, drawings, and portraits.
http://www.blackshipsandsamurai.com/

The New Deal Network, an educational guide to the Great
Depression of the 1930s with 1000's of images and articles
reflecting the styles and concerns of a generation.
http://newdeal.feri.org/

Telling some of the stories from the depopulation of the
Highlands of Scotland between, roughly, 1785 and the
late 1850s, by landowners evicting small farmers from their
property and replacing them with huge sheep farms.
http://www.theclearances.org/

Archive on the Salem Witch Trials of 1692 an incredible
example of where intolerance and ignorance can lead us
including images of original documents, transcripts, and maps
of the areas. The people link will take you to brief synopses
of the persons involved and in some cases to larger amounts
of biographical information.
http://etext.virginia.edu/salem/witchcraft/home.html

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." That sums up Amelia
Erhart in life as well as anything I could say about her.
The official site:
http://www.ameliaearhart.com/

From 1918 to 1983 the brothers Gershwin created magic,
garnering Academy Awards, Tonys and even a Pulitzer Prize
for Drama. Great music listening through the years available
on the jukebox here:
http://www.gershwin.com/

Do you shave your head? Have you thought about it? Before
you leap in there get some info and advice here:
http://www.headshaver.org/

I first came to Ian's computer pages but soon discovered the
truly unique here. He has a novel way of tying shoes which he
claims is faster yet looks neat and symmetrical, causes less
wear and tear on the laces, stays securely tied but comes
undone easily when required.
http://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/

Exploring art at the Getty Museum in Los Angeles till July25,
2004 this exhibit of photographic genius is only a small
portion of the vast array of sculpture, paintings, drawings,
stained glass, and furniture available here
:http://www.getty.edu/art/exhibitions/genius/

Street art - interesting contrast to the more traditional.
http://www.theartofasbestos.com/

http://www.exercisesinstyle.com/ lead me to the rest oft
he body of Matt's illustration and comics work located at
http://www.mattmadden.com/

More than just another lyrics site, they interpret the songs
although in some cases the lyrics are available. Not all music
is available but they do take requests.
http://www.songfacts.com/

One day Mike found a toy piano at a thrift store. He quickly
fell in love with it, and bringing home more little instruments,
that lead to the creation of the toy piano band Twink.
http://www.twink.net/

Pretty amusing stories on parenting with titles like "Don't
kill the baby. Ever." and "The White Carpet of Doom".
http://www.rhzine.com/

After my recent flight and their sumptuous snacks (HAH) of 1
oz processed cheese food, 2 crackers, and a granola bar, I
long for the days of real meals on Midwest Express.
http://www.airlinemeals.net/

Protecting People & Companies from Bad Bosses, the site helps
people understand and analyze their boss, protect themselves
safely, reduce their boss's power, and achieve career goals.
http://www.badbossology.com/

According to the Glossarist "A glossary is a collection of
words and/or with definitions that pertain to a particular
subject or field of endeavour." If you love words this is a
definate bookmark to have.
http://www.glossarist.com/

Toronto-based photographer Jeff Harris is engaged in an
ongoing project: he's had his picture taken - either as a
self-portrait or by a friend - every day since January 1, 1999.
http://www.jeffharris.org/

Microart This site is a showcase for digital artwork, strictly
250 by 250 pixels in dimensions by various artists.
http://www.twofifty.net/

Photographs of stained glass works from both sides ofthe Atlantic.
Stained glass greeting cards and links toother stained glass sites
here: http://www.stainedglassphotography.com/

Even if your tempted to skip the intro, it does set the scene and
help the loading process. Make your own music from city sounds,
to present in Declan's Club
http://www.lukewhittaker.co.uk/breakintheroad/

In 2003 we lost the cartoonist Al Hirschfield who for 75 years
depicted life in the theater from his own unique perspective
http://theater.nytimes.com/ref/theater/hirschfeld/index.html?rf=index.html

Dieter Roth beginning in 1944, working with tin, pencil, ink,oil,
felt tips, office supplies, gold, silver, enamel, watercolor, carving,
lithograph, sculpture, and more (in other wordsevery kind of
medium he could lay his hands on) offersa wide range of art over
a 50 year period currently displayed at the Met Museum of
Modern Art till June 7
http://www.moma.org/exhibitions/2004/dieterroth/flash.htm

A graphic novel (no not that kind of graphic) in 5 chapters:
When I Am King shows the type of comics you can subscribe
to here but check out the free previews first to see if this is
your cup of tea. Scott McCloud, author of the modern classic
Understanding Comics, crows, "This is great stuff."
http://www.demian5.com/

"It's gotten to the point where if you can't say it in 75 words or
less, you should shut the f#$% up". That'swhat these music
reviewers have done since Oct 2001. They do get on with it.
Not my taste in music but thennot everyone listens to all
blues all the time.
http://www.75orless.com/

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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from
Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's
best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives itto him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beerin the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."


The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like
the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me
a Coors."

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give
me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and
ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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The pastor was talking to a group of young children about
being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked,
"Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

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15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people'scarts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minuteintervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to thewomen's restroom.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's onlayaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell othershoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from thebedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry andask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror andpick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly hummingthe theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker,assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's thosevoices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a whileand then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"
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A man staggers into an emergency room with two blackeyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quietround of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into apasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I wasrooting around, I noticed one of the cows had somethingwhite at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tailand sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's rump. That's whenI made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, thislooks like yours!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a galaevent downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young, idealisticladies in attendance. One of them approached thecolonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a veryserious man. Are you this way all the time, or is theresomething bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations,and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax andenjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don'ttake this the wrong way, but when was the last time youhad sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill outand quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sexsince 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-factvoice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bizarre Military Mishaps
In 1757, a Prussian army had to abandon a safe escape routewhen they saw the road blocked by what they believed tobe batteries of Austrian artillery. It turned out to be nothingmore deadly than a herd of cattle.
In 1836, when Mexican troops were engaged in skirmisheswith the Texans, Mexican General Antonio Lopez de SantaAnna ordered his troops one afternoon to take a siesta.During the nap, the entire Mexican army was routed by theTexans in just 18 minutes.
At the Battle of Karansebes in 1788, 10,000 Austrian soldierswere killed or injured by their own side when drunken com-rades began shouting that the Turks were upon them. Inthe darkness and confusion, the Austrians started firingindiscrimately at each other.
When relations with Bolivia soured in 1865, Queen Victoriaordered the Royal Navy to send six gunboats to Bolivia andsink its fleet. Her admirals quietly pointed out that Boliviahad no coast and therefore no fleet, whereupon the shesent for a map and a pair of scissors and cut Bolivia fromthe world.
Famous American General Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson wasdevoutly religious and considered fighting on a Sunday tobe a sin. At the height of the Battle of Mechanicsville inthe American Civil War (1862), he stood alone praying ona nearby hill, steadfastly refusing to speak to anyone allafternoon. With nobody to guide them, his Confederatetroops suffered huge losses.
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All I can say is it could happen to me . . .My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in thegarden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is,searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduleda meeting with the man at his Danville home.
That person was given directions to the house via emailand the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AMmy friend received a call from the gardener stating thathe could not find the house, let alone the street nameon the map he possessed.
“Ok, you know where the Burger King is?” My friendasked on the cell phone, “We’re in the homes rightbehind there…”
“Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no HartzAvenue at the intersection to turn left onto.”
“Ok, which way are you heading, east or west onDanville Blvd?”
“Why, west I suppose…”
“And you see the Burger King there on the right?”
“Yes.”
“Ok, then just make a left there, that’s Hartz Avenue.”
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, “There is nostreet off to the left, it’s a dead end.”
“Are you sure you’re in Danville?”
“Heck yea, I’ve lived round these parts all my life.”
“You’re not in San Ramon or something, are you?”
“There ain’t no San Ramon round here. I came infrom Shelby City.”
“Where's Shelby City?”
“Why, it’s in Kentucky… Where the heck are you?”
There was a long pause and my friend answered,“California.” And hung up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Helpful Tips for Idiots
* Don't throw a brick straight up.
* Don't take naps in the road.
* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
* Don't microwave yourself.
* Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature,stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
* When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, presson the flat end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, atlong last, he had collected up sufficient courage to askher the most momentous of all questions:
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"he began, "but there comes a time when one longs forthe companionship of another being—a being who willregard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat asone's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful whentimes are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.Then she nodded in agreement.
Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea!Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REAL LIFE COMPANY QUOTES
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to accessthe building using individual security cards. Pictures will betaken next Wednesday and employees will receive theircards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote fromFred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems wewill encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.It should be used only for company business. (Accountingmanager, ElectricBoat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that aremore important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketingmanager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy fora few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-pageproposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk Igave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk Igave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doingwhat I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled forMonday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I wouldhave to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He thenasked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "Thatwould be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but thecompany is not going to discuss it with the employees."(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior managementsaying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued todayregarding the subject mentioned above."(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report tohim concerning a project I was working on. I asked him iftomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted ittomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare amemo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentionedthe "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee,I was called into the HR director's office, and told that theexecutive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.
When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for"perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, heshowed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that Ibe fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HRmanager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the wordup in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to sendback to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.
Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directingus that no words which could not be found in the local Sundaynewspaper could be used in company memos. A month later,I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created myresignation memo by pasting words together from the Sundaypaper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police One-Liners:

"Your life is not my fault."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"That says POLICE, not taxi!"

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"You can't outrun a radio."

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday,
if you should meet, you will lose."

"Every dog has it's day. Good dogs have two."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I
don't have."

"If it's worth stopping, it's worth writing."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."

"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of
yours.At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."

"We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and
make cops from it."

"Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Final thoughts . . .Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can you set your laser printer on stun?

Is it truly possible to have a civil war?

Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Most car accidents occur within five miles of home...
why,then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away?

And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest
drown also?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?

Is it not so that Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?

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