FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 25

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 25 July 5, 2004


Summer officially ends at the autumnal equinox,
which this year is September 22. So get out and
enjoy it while you can!

First of all I hope everyone had a great 4th of July
but if you didn't get enough fireworks or they were
rained out, here are some more sent to me by Amanda
http://www.wtv-zone.com/cal555/10fwd/lady/LLa/LL.html

and even more virtual fireworks online
http://www.maylin.net/Fireworks.html
http://www.cyberfireworks.com/
http://www.holidays.net/independence/firework.htm
http://www.surfnetkids.com/fireworks.htm

If you want to learn about fireworks, how they are
set up, which shell does what, what they are called,
or just see some cool photos
http://www.wf.net/~lcrump1/
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/fireworks/
http://www.twilightbridge.com/hobbies/festivals/independence/historyfireworks.htm
http://people.howstuffworks.com/fireworks.htm
http://www.nationalgeographic.com/world/0007/fireworks/
http://multimedia.lycos.com/results.asp?component=&query=fireworks&x=27&y=9&agree=1
or for some live fireworks, check the schedule
http://www.grucci.com/natsched04.html
http://abclocal.go.com/wtvg/news/628_fireworks.html
or check your favorite search engine looking at fairs
concerts or festivals near you

Although Summerfest is over we have fireworks at
many of our ethnic festivals throughout the summer
http://www.summerfest.com/information/calendar.php

Yes its a sad day, no more Summerfest till next year
but we got a chance to hear some great music, eat
our favorite festival foods, and enjoy the lakefront for
a short time with friends or family. This year over
867,000 people attended. We are going to reprise
Summerfest over the Labor Day weekend calling it
The Big Encore. I can't wait!

I did get to hear the following acts and they all were
great musical experiences. Check and see if they will
appear near you soon:
http://www.belairs.com
http://www.braillebluesdaddy.com
http://www.revraven.freeservers.com
http://www.jonparis.com/Home.asp
http://www.buddyguys.com
http://www.annrabson.com
http://www.marciaball.com

Short articles on blues musicians to help you while
away the time. The rest of the site has CD reviews, a
live blues music calendar for California thru Canada
to Alaska and continues east into Montana, Idaho,
and Nevada
http://www.bluestodo.com/archives/archive.htm


If you are a music lover you find tons of great bands
and full-length songs here. All songs are available in
streaming audio in up to near CD quality, and most
of the songs are also available as free legal MP3
downloads. With more than 50,000 new songs
approved each month and more than 6,000 new
bands approved each month this promises to be fun
and free although they offer a paid service with extra
stuff. It is MP3 format but they offer free software.
http://www.soundclick.com/

More for your listening pleasure
http://t.webring.com/hub?ring=bluesmp3

OK I admit it, I love the blues cats but what attracted
me was the paintings of great blues artists. Blues, art,
and cats . . . a winning combination by me.
http://www.paintedblues.co.uk/index.html


While we are at music blues and indie here
http://www.mary4music.com/


Speaking of great music, someone sure wanted this
old record on eBay. It went for over $1900!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4021154518&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT

If old music is your thing you may want to check out
http://www.20thcentury-records.com

or the whole store is up for sale on eBay
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=306&item=4021939649&rd=1

Health Tips Archive from Proctor and Gamble
http://www.healthexpressions.com/archive.shtml#jot


Providing FREE, reliable health information for women.
http://www.4women.gov/

Historians vs Bush from my neighbor Mike
http://hnn.us/articles/5019.html


Scary stuff from Sheila
LETTING CONSUMERISM GET UNDER YOUR SKIN
Have you been "chipped" yet? A company called Applied
Digital Solutions wants you to undergo a surgical
procedure to implant a tiny RFID microchip in your
arm. Why would you want to do this? Because "Radio
Frequency ID" chips will eliminate the heavy burden
of having to carry credit cards and remember your ATM
numbers. Instead, your arm becomes your card and ID
number - simply run your arm under a scanner and your
embedded radio chip sends a digital signal to the computer,
allowing you to complete your transaction. ADS calls its
microchip "VeriPay."
http://updates.jimhightower.com/ctt.asp?u=2195084&l=37062

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever wondered about the difference between
the crocodile and the alligator? The alligator is actually
a subspecies of the crocodile, with a rounded snout (croc
snouts are usually pointed) and a generally less aggres-
sive attitude. You can also tell them apart by their teeth.

Nearly all of the croc's teeth stay on the outside of the
mouth when closed. The upper and lower teeth showing
makes them look like they are smiling. The alligator, has
a slight overbite--the bottom teeth fit inside the top.

Crocs eat rocks to help in digestion and to add weight so
that they can stay submerged underwater for as long as
an hour. On average, a crocodile contains 10 to 15 pounds
of stone in its stomach. The stones must fill them up,
because crocodiles really don't eat that much nor very
often either. Because they are slow-moving and cold
blooded, they can survive on about the same amount of
food as a bird.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is a "blue note"? A blue note is a variable microtonal
lowering of the third, seventh, and occasionally fifth degrees
of the major musical scale. This note is used frequently in
blues music and gives a blues song its distinctive melancholy
quality.

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For my running friends: If you lace your shoes from
the inside to the outside the fit will be snugger around
your big toe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, the second and third
presidents of the US both died within hours of each other
on July 4, 1826. It was the 50th anniversary of our
independence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danish pastry in Denmark is known as Vienna bread -
Wienerbrod, in Danish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to
Sven,"You know we could make a lot of money running
our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't
have it there." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they
pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a
tower, an elastic cord, and insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to
assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they
thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but
when he comes back up Ole notices that he has a few
cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him, and he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time he
is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him.

Sven falls again and bounces back up a third time. This
timeSven comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Ole
catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was
the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the bungee cord
was fine. It was the crowd..... What the hell is a pin-yata?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting
close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When
she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are
you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen
into the water, and she needed the thimble to make
her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared
with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the
Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went
down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this
your thimble?"the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver
thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and
gave her all three thimbles to keep, and she went
home happy. Some time later, the seamstress was
walking with her husband along the riverbank, and
her husband fell into the river. When she cried out,
The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you
crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with
Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It
is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel
Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then
if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my
husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me
all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to
take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said
yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is
for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of
others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane
when the stranger turned to the little boy and said "Let's
talk. I heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passengers."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger " What would you like to
discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger, "how about nuclear
power?"

"OK," said Tommy, "that could be an interesting topic,
but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and
a deer all eat the same grass yet the deer excretes little
pellets, while the cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well then, " said little Tommy, "How is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00
per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when
we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations
at the Holiday Inn for a combined long-term stay discount
and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want,
or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they
provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,
washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors,
and all have free soap and shampoo.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth
of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help
you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a
decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and
eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're out
at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps
building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday
Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck
in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even
from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday
Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress
replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize
for the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room
service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they
will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and
break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday
Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will
always be glad to find you, and will probably check in
for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use
the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So . .
When I reach the Golden age, I'll face it with a grin--
Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!

lol . . . thanks Mike keep 'em coming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one:

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turns
yellow just in front of him. He does the right thing and
stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by speeding through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get
through the intersection with him.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window
and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.
He takes her to the police station where she is searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell
and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking
desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her
personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled
up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak
at him." "I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder,
the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow
Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome
plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sister sent this one too:

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday,
he found that his card had been returned. Added to it
was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching
for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door
and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden
and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!

"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov 17:22a)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are
many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always
write a book. ~~ Ronald Reagan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday. ~~ Rodney Dangerfield

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the 1950s, TV and film star collie Lassie's salary was
$5,000 per week.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Amanda for this one

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so."

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as
soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible
language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these
awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,
PLEASE MAMA!"

Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need
to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell
me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the
daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so
upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...,
he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Final thoughts:All bigger and better computers mean
is that you get to make bigger and better mistakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a nail.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- The speed of time is one-second per second.
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a
mistake." ~~ Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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