FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 23

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 23 June 21, 2004

OK time to get busy cleaning since my sister is coming for
a visit this week. Lately all I have done is run in, stop to
pack a bag and do some wash before I dash out again, so
the dust is pretty thick. More on the travels in upcoming
weeks since the Big Gig starts Thursday. To my friends in
town see you at the Bel Airs, 3:30 pm on Thursday!
http://www.belairs.com

To my friends from far away, you really have to try our
annual music festival. If there is some type of music you
like, then out of the 450 bands playing you can find it here.
http://www.summerfest.com

The real truth about online dating
http://www.match.com/matchscene/article.aspx?articleid=14&sid=DB603A3A-A60E-4409-A952-344389B4C604&trackingid=0&theme=214&lid=279

If you have never explored the urban legend or hoax
sites, here is a collection of bizarre items
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/roundup.asp

Ok now I've heard it all. The FDA has approved batter
coated french fries as a "fresh" vegetable.
http://www.local6.com/health/3420861/detail.html

From the Arthritis Foundation "6 Things Your Doctor isn't
Telling You." Other good info here for anyone with pain.
http://www.arthritis.org/resources/arthritistoday/2004_archives/2004_05_06_Unzipped_1.asp

Created to make information on federal expenditure accessible
interactively to all people. Free but return users must register.
http://database.nationalpriorities.org/

Have you ever looked at an auction and thought "what the . . .
would anyone want with this?" There is even a slide show
of the bizzare items found.
http://www.disturbingauctions.com/

Remember the days when everyone had a Zippo in their pocket?
You never saw any like this group of customized Zippos.
http://www.flamerite.com/

Talk about Fantasy Island: a blend of residential retreat and
vacation home built in the ocean near Dubai, and visible from
space. Construction started back in 2001 and the first live in
residents are expected in 2006
http://www.palmisland.co.ae/enter.html
http://www.nakheel.ae/nakheelweb/


Tracking and impacting the comet Temple 1. The projected
impact is planned for 4 July 2005.
http://deepimpact.jpl.nasa.gov/

A garden adventure a blog with a twist
http://www.mizdos.com/gardenblog/

Postcards, screensavers, and wallpaper on the
dynamic earth from the Smithsonian
http://www.mnh.si.edu/earth/index_flash.html?launchType=1&launchExhibit=_3_0_0

A documentation of spending habits by a grad student
http://www.obsessiveconsumption.com/

A community where musicians, journalists, fans, and wannabe-
rockstars spontaneously connect.
http://www.crazewire.com/

And speaking of genius, the archives of scientific writing and
correspondance by Einstein totaling more than 900 documents.
http://www.alberteinstein.info./


Just like it says Best of Lists here
http://www.listsofbests.com/

Yummy recipes which you can have sent to you in email
http://www.breakeggs.com/

Doodling, we all do it but not usually online
http://www.bearskinrug.co.uk/sketchbook/
More from Kevin
http://bearskinrug.co.uk/


12 Steps to better digital pictures
http://reviews.cnet.com/4520-6501_7-5138878.html

Most of the photo storage sites have tips and hints
http://reviews.cnet.com/4520-6501_7-5138878.html
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/digital/dlc/index.jhtml
These sites may require registration but offer free picture
storage and online sharing. As more people sell on ebay a
place to store photos of items online is needed.
http://photos.yahoo.com/
http://www.shutterfly.com/
http://www.snapfish.com/
http://www.ofoto.com/
http://www.picturetrail.com/
http://www.photofun.com/
http://www.hello.com/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:What did Snow White say while she waited for her photos?
A:“Some day my prints will come!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and the
bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since
his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go.
He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions.
Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do
you dock the boat?"

The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock a sailboat,
you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you
don't bang up the finish on the craft."

"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the
sailboat?"

"Good question." The salesman told him. You can get a
small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk
out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.

"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied, "It's Row vs Wade."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this new twist on a moral lesson
(I have seen it beforebut not with this ending):
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth
it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel
of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something
amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top
of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped
up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick
to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step
up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of
the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from
the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died
in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your
ass, it always comes back to bite you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And thanks to my sister for this lesson in geography
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have
an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.....Nobody
bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil
is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

Our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone should enjoy this one from Anita.

A MORAL TEST
This test only has one question, but it's a very important
one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious
thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to
test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely,
completely fictional situation, where you will have to make
a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each
line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...

There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a
hurricane and severe floods .......

There are huge masses of water all over you....

You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of
this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're
trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses
and people floating around you, disappearing into the water.
Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping
everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water; he is fighting for his
life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water
and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - George W Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him away...forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take
the best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot
a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A unique photo displaying the
death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)

Would you select color film, or go with the simplicity of classic
black and white?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for the cute animation.

Just move your mouse around on the screen.
http://home.wanadoo.nl/annekebroenink/maukie2.swf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States
by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of
this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,
we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot
dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs,
please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the ladies
hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it
for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this:

Ronald Reagan arrived at the Pearly Gates this week, and was
met by St. Peter. Reagan was stunned for a moment.


"You mean, I---I'm in?" he asked.
"That's right" said St. Peter. "Come on, man. I'll show you
around." He tossed the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car
at Reagan, and said, "You drive. This is your car, for the rest of
eternity."


Reagan was buoyant as they drove along the streets of Heaven,
through sunny neighborhoods. Finally they came to a fancy part
of town, with big lawns and swimming pools. St. Peter told
Reagan that this is where he would be living.


"That's Franklin Roosevelt's house over there," St. Peter pointed
out as they drove, "And that's where Albert Einstein lives, next
to Madame Curie. Pope John Paul XXIII lives here....and here's
your house." They pulled into the driveway, and got out.

As Reagan was looking around, he noticed up in the hills a palace
made of shimmering, white granite. He could see it was enormous,
with room after room, and terraces with dozens of gold fountains.
"That must be where the Lord lives," said Reagan.

St. Peter shook his head. "No, that's Ray Charles' place," he said.

Reagan's smile faltered for a moment. "Ray Charles lives there?
How come all the presidents, scientists and popes live here, and
Ray Charles lives up in that palace? I don't get it."


St. Peter chuckled. "Ronnie," he said, "Presidents and Popes are
a dime a dozen. But baby, there's only one Ray Charles."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks again to Mike. (He must be cleaning out his mailbox.)

You say you love http://www.bettybowers.com but it doesn’t
go far enough? Well my brothers, here’s the site you’ve been
waiting for. http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
(Although this site is meant as a joke, I find it scary that I had
to keep reminding myself of that and that no one means this.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From my friend Mike:

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you
need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations,
and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions
against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and
Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana
to relieve the pain of illness.

4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers
and moving their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own
body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions
affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the
troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and
combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you
someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't
have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests
of the public at heart.

11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a
bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy
when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when
Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

14. A President lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense. A President lying to enlist support
for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

15. Government should limit itself to the powers named in
the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and
censoring the Internet.

16. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

17. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General
John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they
have a right to adopt.

18. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.

19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist,
but trade with China andVietnam is vital to a spirit of international
harmony.

--

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President,
or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not
only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the
American public." --- Theodore Roosevelt, 1918.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From my friend Jacki:

Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the
cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I
pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there
with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the
nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her
register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give
me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she
burst into tears.

The incident got me thinking about how our kids were
learning math in school (or not).

Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the
price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the
price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of
lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set
"M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100
dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set
"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points
than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his
profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest
trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the forest birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There
are no wrong answers)

Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does
Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga
por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you know?

In the movie Casablanca Rick never says "Play it again,
Sam." He says: "You played it for her, you can play it
for me. Play it!".

Ilsa says "Play it, Sam. Play `As Time Goes By"'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Final thoughts for the day
- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I
don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

- If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto
a freeway.

- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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