FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 26

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 26 July 12, 2004

Wow My sister is in Ixtapa for a week so I just
checked the weather there. Its in the high 90's
for the the next couple of days with a real feel
over 110 (that's similar to wind chill for us up in
the frozen tundra). I would melt!

To check the weather for your vacation destinations
I think the best is:http://www.accuweather.com/
offering 15 day forecasts all over the world and also
hourly weather if your plans are time sensitive,
like heading out to a fair or festival.

Speaking of State Fairs, lots of them coming up
August 5th-15th West Allis, WI
http://www.wsfp.state.wi.us/home/sf2/

August 13-22, 2004 Springfield, IL
http://www.state.il.us/fair/

August 19-29, 2004 Louisville, KY
http://www.kystatefair.org/

August 20-September 6, 2004 Sacramento, CA
http://bigfun.org/

August 26-September 6, 2004 Syracuse, NY
http://www.nysfair.org/state_fair/2004/

September 16-26, 2004 Oklahoma City, OK
http://www.oklahomastatefair.com/

Many more festivals are listed at
http://www.festivalfinder.com/
http://www.festivals.com/
http://www.bluesfestivals.com/
http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Music/Genres/Blues/Festivals/
http://www.musicsearch.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?QUERY=Festivals
http://www.accraracer.de/festivalfinder.html
http://www.filmfestivals.com/index.shtml

We all just celebrated our patriotism on July 4
but how manyof us are really good citizens?
Could you pass a citizenship test?
http://www.herald-sun.com/votebook/citizenship/citstart.html

If this inspires you to be more patriotic, here is
an article with random acts of patriotism for you
to emulate
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/opinion/180536_fourthed.html

The Republicans picked this way to be clever. Can
you afford to live like John Kerry? Its a fun game
for a short time.
http://www.gop.com/kerryopoly/

Do you think maybe their time would be better
spent finding a candidate who could put together a
coherent sentence?http://www.bushisms.com/
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm
http://www.bushcartoon.com/bushisms.html
http://www.dubbia.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=2

Need an excuse? Use the excuse generator.
http://www.weaselcircus.com/funpages/randomexcuse.shtml

Pick a day in time to check out the news or music
http://www.dmarie.com/timecap/

Do you enjoy trivia? Try this site:
http://www.corsinet.com/trivia/

More fun from Tony (riddles, poetry, quotes,
jokes, andwordplay). There are many hours of
entertainment here:
http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/

Fun site with a new version of the three pigs as
puppets. Other silly animated adventures too.
http://www.watermanstudios.com/puppets/1_wolf.html

"Browse the Past and some Futures... a collection
of Timelines on the Web"
http://www2.canisius.edu/~emeryg/time.html

By now we have all seen the many uses of Bounce or
Coke but here there are a collection of the many uses
of different products from Alberto VO5 to Ziplocks
http://www.wackyuses.com/uses.html

Find out what those acronyms and abbreviations stand for...
http://www.acronymfinder.com/

1st International Collection of Tongue Twisters with translations
http://www.uebersetzung.at/twister/index.htm

Recent internet hoaxes
http://www.rootnode.org/article.php?sid=26
http://www.citypages.com/databank/25/1230/article12271.asp
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/octopus.htm
http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/tacobell.asp

Scroll down to check out the lyrics to I ran over the "Taco Bell Dog"

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools
are so ingenious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gary and Keith were chatting by the office coffee maker.

"I had the most bizarre dream the night before last,"
Gary declared, "All night there was just this huge glowing
number5. It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds."

Keith raised an eyebrow and responded, "Interesting. So
what'd ya do?"

"The first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the
daily racing digest and look up the fifth race and the #5
horse in the fifth race was named 'The Fifth Element.'"

Keith started grinning.

"I was sure that this was a sign," explained Gary, "so...-
I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five
cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
- I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit
I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes
before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and
parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered
through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five
programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet
$555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and
sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there
were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled
in and waited for the race to start."

"Well," wondered Keith, "Did the horse win?"

Gary smiled, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the
mall.It was found by an honest little boy and returned
to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm...That's
odd.When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now
there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time
I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a
reward."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun when
he goes on business trips as his wife thinks he does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that
man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They
picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done
with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we have all
decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point
that we can clone people and do many miraculous things,
so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the
scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about
this? Let's have a man making contest."

To which the man replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did
back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and
grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get
your own dirt!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My computer is so fast. Before yours can boot up, mine
has already crashed three times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only
advise his clients to plant vines." Frank Lloyd Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American
friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white
and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes
our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them,
white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"The American said, "The same with us only we see stars too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I die have my body cremated, put the ashes in an
envelope and mail it to the IRS with a note: "Now you have
everything!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they
had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.

"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at
half-power.

Further on down the line, the other engine broke down,
and the train came to a stand still. The engineer decided
he should inform the passengers about why the train had
stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some
bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed,
and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news
is that this is a train and not a plane."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young executive was leaving the office one evening
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant
has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO
had asked him for help.

He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and
pressed the start button.

"Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the machine.

"I just need two copies of that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A water-bearer in India had two large pots, each hung
on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot
was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water
at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's
house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two
years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only
one and a half pots of water in his master's house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments,
perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor
cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what
it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure,
it spoke to the water-bearer one day by the stream."I am
ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer,"What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver
only half my load because this crack in my side causes
the water to leak out all the way back to your master's
house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this
work, and you don't get full value from your efforts,"
the pot said.

The water-bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and
in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's
house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along
the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old
cracked pot took notice of the sun warming beautiful
wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered
it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad
because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it
apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there
were flowers only on your side of your path, but not
on the other pot's side? That's because I have always
known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I
planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and
every day while we walk back from the stream, you've
watered them. For two years I have been able to pick
these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table.
Without you being just the way you are, he would not
have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We re all cracked
pots. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them
and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in
our weakness, we find our strength.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man returns from vacation and is feeling very ill. He
goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the
Hospital to undergo a barrage of tests.

After the tests, he wakes up in a private room at the
hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We got the results back from
your tests and we discovered that you have a very
nasty virus that is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going
to do, doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza,
pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only
food we can get under the door."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my friend Mike for this one:

A Washington Post columnist prints a column each
summer listing interesting T-shirts he observed at
the Ocean City, MD beach. Here's his 2003's best:

--I childproofed my home...but they still get in.

--(On the front) - 60 is not old.
(On the back) - - If you're a tree.

--I'm still hot! (It just comes in flashes.)

--At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my
car in the parking lot.

--My reality check just bounced.

--Life is short; make fun of it!

--I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

--Annapolis -- A drinking town...
with a sailing problem.

--I need somebody bad. Are you bad?

--Physically Pfffffttt!

--Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to
snatch you from your car.

--I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

--It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

--Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

--Keep staring . . I just may do a trick.

--We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

--Dangerously under-medicated!!

--My mind works like lightening. One brilliant flash,
and it's gone!

--Every time I hear the word "exercise"..I wash
my mouth out with chocolate.

--Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

--Live your life so that when you die, the preacher
will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

--In God we trust. All others we polygraph

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From my sister:
Ever wonder ...
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there.. I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta
it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human
being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the
carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains
on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all
that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil
is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made
from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?
13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated
by a mouse?
14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same tune?
15. Stop singing and read on .....
16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?
17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside
the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in
your butt?
18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take
him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
19. Does pushing the elevator button more than
once make it arrive faster?
20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your
e-mail address in the first place?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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