FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 24
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 24 June 28, 2004
Well here we are, finally summer has arrived and with
it our annual festival season. My sister is here for a visit,
so we went and enjoyed the day at Summerfest, even
though the days temperatures were a bit chilly. The rain
stopped before we got there, but we had a plan for some
indoor venues so what the heck? Glad we didn't try to
see Prince or is he still the artist formerly known as? He
was 2 hours late getting started. To see who else is
playing for the rest of the festival:
http://www.summerfest.com
To look for other festivals near you
(get out and enjoy the summer days) try
http://www.bluesfestivals.com/
http://www.festivalfinder.com
http://www.festivals.com/
http://www.southfest.com/
http://www.virtualfestivals.com/ from the UK
My sister is keeping me busy, so this weeks issue is
a total mix of old and new stuff. Hope you find some
that you like.
Do you like free stuff? They have a newsletter but just a
trip to the site can nab you some cool free stuff. A bit of
a warning, ANYTHING you put your email address on can
increase the spam you receive. That is not only this site
but any contest, newsletter, or registration out there will
probably result in more spam email for you.
http://www.freakyfreddies.com/
Describe a concept and get back a list of words and
phrases related to that concept. Great for writers block.
http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml
Have you tried one of the interfaces that allows you to
log on to multiple IM services from one interface. Right
now Trillian is waging a war against Yahoo but there are
others out there with a lower profile and extra features.
http://www.meca.com/Features.jsp
Making science fun with webcasts, interactive optical
illusions, puzzles and games.
http://www.exploratorium.edu/map.html
We all eavesdrop (except if plugged into a walkman or Ipod).
The following are overheard quotes. Are they real? Or are
they just the feverish imaginings of a diseased mind?
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.html
Best of the Worst Country Song Titles
http://www.downstream.sk.ca/country.htm
What they learned in college and other life lessons. If you
loved kaleidoscopes try flake maker. Lots of toys, games,
blogs, and videos.
http://www.zefrank.com/
Is it juggling or is it Pong. Try out this game:
http://www.coldtomatoes.com/games/juggler/pongleur5.swf
A really quick game, eyeball the matches and guess how many.
http://www.kamer1.com/rainman/
Pesky flies are taking over your computer monitor. Smash
them with your fly swatter as fast as you can...
http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm
Try to guess each college’s team mascot from the logo clip.
Or test your knowledge of clothing, cars or fast food logos.
http://www.logogame.com/game.php
Play this spy type game online
http://www.123games.dk/game/platform/travelsick/travel.htm
Bravo from the UK offers games and cartoons on their site
http://www.bravo.co.uk/
Strong Bad cartoons, games and downloads
http://www.homestarrunner.com/
Do not miss that this is a humor site
http://www.boxfreeconcepts.com/magicmill/
But for the real info, a behind the scenes, in-depth look at
college life from over 60,000 current students and recent
college grads. You must register for this site.
http://www.campusdirt.com/index.cfm
Check out the movie star caricatures
http://www.magixl.com/
http://www.simnet.is/flamex/html/MovieStar.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Scientists announced that they have located the gene
for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party,
talking way too loudly." -- Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cab drivers were waiting for fares in front of a downtown
hotel. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your
cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you
should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ways to Turn Men Down
HE:: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE:: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE:: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE:: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE:: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE:: Okay, get out.
HE:: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE:: Why? Are you leaving?
HE:: Can I have your name?
SHE:: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE:: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE:: I've already seen it.
HE:: Where have you been all my life?
SHE:: Hiding from you.
HE:: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE:: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE:: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE:: Do not enter.
HE:: Your body is like a temple.
SHE:: Sorry, there are no services today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting Older?
I used to have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have Saturday
Night hot flashes.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of
my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age...
But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your
inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get
elected. - Will Rogers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I stopped to visit a friend, I found her on the phone
with a real-estate agent. "That's a little high!" she exclaimed.
"What can I get for less than $500 a month?"
The reply was evidently not to my friend's liking. "I see,"
she said abruptly, and hung up.
"What did the agent say you could get?" I asked.
"A car" she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was
waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved who
had died before her. They saw her and began calling
greetings to her, "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting
for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This
is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to
spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and then Saint Peter
welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter
came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of
Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her
husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband
told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care
of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state
lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought
a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were actually on vacation in Cancun and I went
water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ...
there'll be Hell to pay later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Fox News reports that telemarketers are hiring prison
inmates to make phone calls instead of outsourcing the
jobs to India. How thrilling is that going to be for mom
one day when the phone rings and it's...Martha Stewart?!"
--Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers
disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when
the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my
heart by announcing:
"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in
approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car.
So if I were you, I'd remain seated."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The New Metric Conversion Chart
10*12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 cards = 1 decacards
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for the secret ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Rex Barker at HumorNetwork.com food for thought
ONE.- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,
their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep
all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't
have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but
it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly, but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements
involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take
immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will
hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Church bulletin bloopers...
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congre-
gation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday morning.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.
Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please
see the minister.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER
& FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting
and Prayer conference includes meals."
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After he
examined it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural
history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man
who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it
out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of
death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this thought provoking piece
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because
the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how
things used to be.
Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they
were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the
baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so
all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with
big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors
that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread
thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter
wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot They ate mostly vegetables and did
not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that
had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot
nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up
their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man
could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to
share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto
the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most
often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so,
tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead
and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and
would take the bones to a bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found
to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through
the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out
in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for
the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com
If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Thanks and have a great week!
Volume 3 Issue 24 June 28, 2004
Well here we are, finally summer has arrived and with
it our annual festival season. My sister is here for a visit,
so we went and enjoyed the day at Summerfest, even
though the days temperatures were a bit chilly. The rain
stopped before we got there, but we had a plan for some
indoor venues so what the heck? Glad we didn't try to
see Prince or is he still the artist formerly known as? He
was 2 hours late getting started. To see who else is
playing for the rest of the festival:
http://www.summerfest.com
To look for other festivals near you
(get out and enjoy the summer days) try
http://www.bluesfestivals.com/
http://www.festivalfinder.com
http://www.festivals.com/
http://www.southfest.com/
http://www.virtualfestivals.com/ from the UK
My sister is keeping me busy, so this weeks issue is
a total mix of old and new stuff. Hope you find some
that you like.
Do you like free stuff? They have a newsletter but just a
trip to the site can nab you some cool free stuff. A bit of
a warning, ANYTHING you put your email address on can
increase the spam you receive. That is not only this site
but any contest, newsletter, or registration out there will
probably result in more spam email for you.
http://www.freakyfreddies.com/
Describe a concept and get back a list of words and
phrases related to that concept. Great for writers block.
http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml
Have you tried one of the interfaces that allows you to
log on to multiple IM services from one interface. Right
now Trillian is waging a war against Yahoo but there are
others out there with a lower profile and extra features.
http://www.meca.com/Features.jsp
Making science fun with webcasts, interactive optical
illusions, puzzles and games.
http://www.exploratorium.edu/map.html
We all eavesdrop (except if plugged into a walkman or Ipod).
The following are overheard quotes. Are they real? Or are
they just the feverish imaginings of a diseased mind?
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.html
Best of the Worst Country Song Titles
http://www.downstream.sk.ca/country.htm
What they learned in college and other life lessons. If you
loved kaleidoscopes try flake maker. Lots of toys, games,
blogs, and videos.
http://www.zefrank.com/
Is it juggling or is it Pong. Try out this game:
http://www.coldtomatoes.com/games/juggler/pongleur5.swf
A really quick game, eyeball the matches and guess how many.
http://www.kamer1.com/rainman/
Pesky flies are taking over your computer monitor. Smash
them with your fly swatter as fast as you can...
http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm
Try to guess each college’s team mascot from the logo clip.
Or test your knowledge of clothing, cars or fast food logos.
http://www.logogame.com/game.php
Play this spy type game online
http://www.123games.dk/game/platform/travelsick/travel.htm
Bravo from the UK offers games and cartoons on their site
http://www.bravo.co.uk/
Strong Bad cartoons, games and downloads
http://www.homestarrunner.com/
Do not miss that this is a humor site
http://www.boxfreeconcepts.com/magicmill/
But for the real info, a behind the scenes, in-depth look at
college life from over 60,000 current students and recent
college grads. You must register for this site.
http://www.campusdirt.com/index.cfm
Check out the movie star caricatures
http://www.magixl.com/
http://www.simnet.is/flamex/html/MovieStar.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Scientists announced that they have located the gene
for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party,
talking way too loudly." -- Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cab drivers were waiting for fares in front of a downtown
hotel. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your
cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you
should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ways to Turn Men Down
HE:: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE:: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE:: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE:: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE:: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE:: Okay, get out.
HE:: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE:: Why? Are you leaving?
HE:: Can I have your name?
SHE:: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE:: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE:: I've already seen it.
HE:: Where have you been all my life?
SHE:: Hiding from you.
HE:: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE:: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE:: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE:: Do not enter.
HE:: Your body is like a temple.
SHE:: Sorry, there are no services today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting Older?
I used to have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have Saturday
Night hot flashes.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of
my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age...
But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your
inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get
elected. - Will Rogers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I stopped to visit a friend, I found her on the phone
with a real-estate agent. "That's a little high!" she exclaimed.
"What can I get for less than $500 a month?"
The reply was evidently not to my friend's liking. "I see,"
she said abruptly, and hung up.
"What did the agent say you could get?" I asked.
"A car" she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was
waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved who
had died before her. They saw her and began calling
greetings to her, "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting
for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This
is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to
spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and then Saint Peter
welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter
came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of
Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her
husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband
told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care
of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state
lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought
a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were actually on vacation in Cancun and I went
water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ...
there'll be Hell to pay later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Fox News reports that telemarketers are hiring prison
inmates to make phone calls instead of outsourcing the
jobs to India. How thrilling is that going to be for mom
one day when the phone rings and it's...Martha Stewart?!"
--Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers
disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when
the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my
heart by announcing:
"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in
approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car.
So if I were you, I'd remain seated."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The New Metric Conversion Chart
10*12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 cards = 1 decacards
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for the secret ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Rex Barker at HumorNetwork.com food for thought
ONE.- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,
their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep
all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't
have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but
it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly, but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements
involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take
immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will
hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Church bulletin bloopers...
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congre-
gation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday morning.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.
Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please
see the minister.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER
& FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting
and Prayer conference includes meals."
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After he
examined it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural
history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man
who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it
out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of
death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this thought provoking piece
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because
the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how
things used to be.
Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they
were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the
baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so
all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with
big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors
that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread
thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter
wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot They ate mostly vegetables and did
not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that
had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot
nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up
their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man
could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to
share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto
the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most
often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so,
tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead
and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and
would take the bones to a bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found
to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through
the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out
in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for
the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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