FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 27
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 27 July 19, 2004
Well I hope my sister made it home safe and sound
and now its time for my son Dan and his wife to come
out for a family wedding on Saturday. The reception
is outdoors so think dry thoughts for Saturday for me
please. It should be interesting to see all the kids and
their cousins together all grown up.
A starting point to catch up on reading over 80 comics
including classics like Snoopy, Nancy, and Andy Capp
http://www.comics.com/
Summer Movie 2004 Preview
http://www.flickville.com/
What's hot and what's not in Milwaukee
http://www.onmilwaukee.com/buzz/articles/hotnot04.html
The travel guide to film locations around the world
http://www.movie-locations.com/
Oh - oh I'm in trouble now! As if I couldn't get in enough
of that between http://www.amazon.com/ and http://www.ebay.com/
http://www.oldies.com/genre/view.cfm/genre_blues_format_audio-cds.html
BTW if blues is not your style there are many genres here
America's Favorite Dad gets Angry with ignorance.
Just in case you missed it, Bill Cosby has spoken out
lately (rather publicly) against the trend that he feels
"squanders the...hard won gains of the civil rights
movement".
http://slate.msn.com/id/2103794/?GT1=4244
Privacy issues and securing your financial data: What
to do if you lost your wallet, how to handle ID theft,
spam, and protecting your privacy.
http://moneycentral.msn.com/Content/Banking/Financialprivacy/Financialprivacy.asp
These business law issues are great for anyone with their
own business or independant contractors.
1=3296" href="http://www.bcentral.com/resources/legal.asp?cobrand=msn&LID=3800>1=3296">http://www.bcentral.com/resources/legal.asp?cobrand=msn&LID=3800>1=3296
Willing to do some homework to find the perfect summer
vacation destination? Encarta has a reading list:
http://encarta.msn.com/list_roadtripbooklist/Road_Trip_Reading_Great_Summer_Travel_Destinations.html
Create your own Mr. Picassohead. This site can lead to
hours of fun. Visit the gallery to see what others created. http://www.mrpicassohead.com/create.html
There's thousands of funny or amusing videos to watch.
http://www.stupidvideos.com/
The song, and even the artist, may be mediocre, overplayed,
or perhaps even awful, but there's that special part that's
worth stopping whatever you're doing, telling everyone else
around you to shut up, and just enjoy it.
http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2004/coolsongs/
THE SINGLE MAN'S GUIDE TO TV DINNERS
http://www.yarayara.com/tv/
and to go with that just click on the page to start this
32 UNORTHODOX WAYS TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE http://www.gaffel.de/frames/biertest-start.swf
On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a
film location in the mountains spun out of control on the
icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90
foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this quiz from Mike
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Common Full-Time Employee Illness
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour
Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early
Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How
Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The
Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly
I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make
Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months
and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend That
I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In
To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's
Bills and the Completed Medical Expense
Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my
co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across
the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went
shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs
official asked if we had anything of value to report.
"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the
bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze
as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did You Ever Wonder . . .
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken
computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you
use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with the hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message
'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think
people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen
times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down,
pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from
the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you
kept drying your clothes would they eventually just
disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams
our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for
doing so, why do we say, 'Its all right." It isn't all right,
so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock
something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale
and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is
placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm
as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southernisms
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between
a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE"
them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish,
collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up
"a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).
3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you
the general direction of "yonder."
4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long
"directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly.
(generally pronounced dreckly)
5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme
some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet
substancethat sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of
the table.
6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by"
is. They might not use the term, but they know the
concept well.
7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the
best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble
is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis,
they also know to add a large banana puddin')
8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")
piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20.
9. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car
with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make
a turn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attorney Jokes = the cusswords and dirt start here:
Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste
dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey had first pick.
Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: You take your foot off his head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with
a Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What's invisible and lies in the gutter?
A: A lawyer with the shit kicked out of him.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine
and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them
600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the
Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead
skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A1: You can't.
A2: If you can, it's because the vultures aren't gagging
over the skunk.
A3: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A4: The lawyer is the one carrying the briefcase.
A5: People are swerving to miss the skunk.
Q: What do you call two attorneys up to their
necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and
a trampoline?
A: You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and
a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do you call a bus full of attorneys going
over a cliff with two empty seats?
A: A good start.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A: Cats keep covering them up with sand.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your
new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world
revolves around him.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a
bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and
a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: If there are 100 attorneys drowning, what do you have?
A: Not enough attorneys.
Q: "You're a high-priced lawyer - if I give you $500, will
you answer two questions for me?"
A: "Absolutely - what's the second question?"
Q: "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?"
A: "Sure - where do you think attorneys come from?"
Q: How can you tell if an attorney is lying?
A: It's when his lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and an
attorney?
A: Both of them screw you, but the attorney gets paid
twice as much to do it...
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a
demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer, silly.
Q: What's a Godfather's idea of something better
than ten attorneys in a trash can?
A: One attorney in ten trash cans.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an
onion?
A: When you stick a knife in an onion, you cry.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and an
attorney?
A: One's a mud-sucking, slime-eating bottom feeder,
and the other's a fish.
Q: Why was the lawyer so concerned when he found
crap on his shoes?
A: He thought he was melting.
Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of
lab rats for research?
A: Several reasons: First, they're more plentiful than
rats; second, the researchers don't get as attached to
them; and third, there are certain things that even rats
won't do. One problem, though - no-one's been able to
extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Q: If you had a gun with only two bullets, and were
placed in a room with Saddam Hussein, Muammar
Khaddafi and a lawyer, what would be the most
patriotic move?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Then shoot him again just to
make sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Truth About Diets This 85-year-old couple, having
been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car
crash. They have been in good health the last ten years,
mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health
food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them
to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter
how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf
course the home backed up to. They would have golfing
privileges every day, and each week the course changed
to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is
Heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?"
the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and never get fat and you never
get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and
your #@!%&~bran muffins. I could have been here
ten years ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my neighbor Mike for these:
I hope these are all true, but......
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting,
"Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped
a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
ATM's, where in thekidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently,
the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk
and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the
man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and
a finger to simulate a gun, fortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, (an hour east of Bakersfield, CA), some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power
was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it
go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. Does
any one else find it frightening that the majority of these
events took place in California...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for these:
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could
crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few
people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with
my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went
back. My husband didn't say a word . . .he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He
asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall
and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and
nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one
afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up
energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times? My three-year-old son had
a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more
time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent
over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT' S
JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking
me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed
female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow
but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news
anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing! so hard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More from Erin:This came from a Catholic elementary
school. The kids were asked questions about the Old and
New Testaments. The following statements about the
Bible were written by these children. They have NOT
been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in).... That's the best part - Enjoy!
1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got
tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an
ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball
of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout
history they had trouble with the unsympathetic
Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread without any
ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam
to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not
admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua
told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people
who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives
and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of
Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side
arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to
do one to others before they do one to you. He also
explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead
and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the
12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was
also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
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If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
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Thanks and have a great week!
Volume 3 Issue 27 July 19, 2004
Well I hope my sister made it home safe and sound
and now its time for my son Dan and his wife to come
out for a family wedding on Saturday. The reception
is outdoors so think dry thoughts for Saturday for me
please. It should be interesting to see all the kids and
their cousins together all grown up.
A starting point to catch up on reading over 80 comics
including classics like Snoopy, Nancy, and Andy Capp
http://www.comics.com/
Summer Movie 2004 Preview
http://www.flickville.com/
What's hot and what's not in Milwaukee
http://www.onmilwaukee.com/buzz/articles/hotnot04.html
The travel guide to film locations around the world
http://www.movie-locations.com/
Oh - oh I'm in trouble now! As if I couldn't get in enough
of that between http://www.amazon.com/ and http://www.ebay.com/
http://www.oldies.com/genre/view.cfm/genre_blues_format_audio-cds.html
BTW if blues is not your style there are many genres here
America's Favorite Dad gets Angry with ignorance.
Just in case you missed it, Bill Cosby has spoken out
lately (rather publicly) against the trend that he feels
"squanders the...hard won gains of the civil rights
movement".
http://slate.msn.com/id/2103794/?GT1=4244
Privacy issues and securing your financial data: What
to do if you lost your wallet, how to handle ID theft,
spam, and protecting your privacy.
http://moneycentral.msn.com/Content/Banking/Financialprivacy/Financialprivacy.asp
These business law issues are great for anyone with their
own business or independant contractors.
1=3296" href="http://www.bcentral.com/resources/legal.asp?cobrand=msn&LID=3800>1=3296">http://www.bcentral.com/resources/legal.asp?cobrand=msn&LID=3800>1=3296
Willing to do some homework to find the perfect summer
vacation destination? Encarta has a reading list:
http://encarta.msn.com/list_roadtripbooklist/Road_Trip_Reading_Great_Summer_Travel_Destinations.html
Create your own Mr. Picassohead. This site can lead to
hours of fun. Visit the gallery to see what others created. http://www.mrpicassohead.com/create.html
There's thousands of funny or amusing videos to watch.
http://www.stupidvideos.com/
The song, and even the artist, may be mediocre, overplayed,
or perhaps even awful, but there's that special part that's
worth stopping whatever you're doing, telling everyone else
around you to shut up, and just enjoy it.
http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2004/coolsongs/
THE SINGLE MAN'S GUIDE TO TV DINNERS
http://www.yarayara.com/tv/
and to go with that just click on the page to start this
32 UNORTHODOX WAYS TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE http://www.gaffel.de/frames/biertest-start.swf
On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a
film location in the mountains spun out of control on the
icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90
foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this quiz from Mike
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Common Full-Time Employee Illness
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour
Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early
Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How
Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The
Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly
I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make
Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months
and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend That
I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In
To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's
Bills and the Completed Medical Expense
Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my
co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across
the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went
shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs
official asked if we had anything of value to report.
"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the
bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze
as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did You Ever Wonder . . .
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken
computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you
use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with the hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message
'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think
people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen
times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down,
pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from
the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you
kept drying your clothes would they eventually just
disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams
our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for
doing so, why do we say, 'Its all right." It isn't all right,
so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock
something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale
and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is
placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm
as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southernisms
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between
a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE"
them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish,
collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up
"a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).
3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you
the general direction of "yonder."
4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long
"directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly.
(generally pronounced dreckly)
5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme
some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet
substancethat sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of
the table.
6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by"
is. They might not use the term, but they know the
concept well.
7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the
best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble
is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis,
they also know to add a large banana puddin')
8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")
piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20.
9. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car
with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make
a turn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attorney Jokes = the cusswords and dirt start here:
Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste
dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey had first pick.
Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: You take your foot off his head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with
a Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What's invisible and lies in the gutter?
A: A lawyer with the shit kicked out of him.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine
and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them
600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the
Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead
skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A1: You can't.
A2: If you can, it's because the vultures aren't gagging
over the skunk.
A3: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A4: The lawyer is the one carrying the briefcase.
A5: People are swerving to miss the skunk.
Q: What do you call two attorneys up to their
necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and
a trampoline?
A: You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and
a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do you call a bus full of attorneys going
over a cliff with two empty seats?
A: A good start.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A: Cats keep covering them up with sand.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your
new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world
revolves around him.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a
bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and
a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: If there are 100 attorneys drowning, what do you have?
A: Not enough attorneys.
Q: "You're a high-priced lawyer - if I give you $500, will
you answer two questions for me?"
A: "Absolutely - what's the second question?"
Q: "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?"
A: "Sure - where do you think attorneys come from?"
Q: How can you tell if an attorney is lying?
A: It's when his lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and an
attorney?
A: Both of them screw you, but the attorney gets paid
twice as much to do it...
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a
demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer, silly.
Q: What's a Godfather's idea of something better
than ten attorneys in a trash can?
A: One attorney in ten trash cans.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an
onion?
A: When you stick a knife in an onion, you cry.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and an
attorney?
A: One's a mud-sucking, slime-eating bottom feeder,
and the other's a fish.
Q: Why was the lawyer so concerned when he found
crap on his shoes?
A: He thought he was melting.
Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of
lab rats for research?
A: Several reasons: First, they're more plentiful than
rats; second, the researchers don't get as attached to
them; and third, there are certain things that even rats
won't do. One problem, though - no-one's been able to
extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Q: If you had a gun with only two bullets, and were
placed in a room with Saddam Hussein, Muammar
Khaddafi and a lawyer, what would be the most
patriotic move?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Then shoot him again just to
make sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Truth About Diets This 85-year-old couple, having
been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car
crash. They have been in good health the last ten years,
mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health
food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them
to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter
how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf
course the home backed up to. They would have golfing
privileges every day, and each week the course changed
to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is
Heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?"
the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and never get fat and you never
get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and
your #@!%&~bran muffins. I could have been here
ten years ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my neighbor Mike for these:
I hope these are all true, but......
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting,
"Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped
a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
ATM's, where in thekidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently,
the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk
and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the
man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and
a finger to simulate a gun, fortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, (an hour east of Bakersfield, CA), some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power
was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it
go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. Does
any one else find it frightening that the majority of these
events took place in California...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for these:
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could
crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few
people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with
my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went
back. My husband didn't say a word . . .he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He
asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall
and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and
nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one
afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up
energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times? My three-year-old son had
a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more
time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent
over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT' S
JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking
me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed
female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow
but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news
anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing! so hard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More from Erin:This came from a Catholic elementary
school. The kids were asked questions about the Old and
New Testaments. The following statements about the
Bible were written by these children. They have NOT
been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in).... That's the best part - Enjoy!
1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got
tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an
ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball
of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout
history they had trouble with the unsympathetic
Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread without any
ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam
to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not
admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua
told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people
who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives
and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of
Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side
arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to
do one to others before they do one to you. He also
explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead
and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the
12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was
also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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posted by Bluesbaby @ 2:41 PM
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