FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 8

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 8 February 23, 2004


Here is the special Leap Year/Mardi Gras edition of FUN On
the WEB. This issue may be a bit longer but since I will be
in Cancun next Monday there will be no issue then.

Yes I'm finally getting away from the frozen tundra for a
short while at least. I'm hoping it's as beautiful as the pics
and Virtual Tours from Expedia. If you want to see what
I'm talking about, just click on the link for the hotel
http://www.expedia.com/pub/agent.dll?qscr=htfv&from=f&hwrq=EX018706FC95JGDC%241C%24E4uz%24D58pz1%2170%241B%24BF2%21H0%240A%217010000o%24A3%240C.%248A%24A3%240C%240D%21L0%216%24FF%21R010003%219010002000101%2150%216%24FF&itty=&itid=&itdx=&htid=522221&flag=&rfrr=&favl=0&crti=0&fgds=0

scroll to Riu Caribe and click on "more lodging info"
then click on "virtual tours"
click on the "birdseye view" to see the property
lots of other virtual tours and pics there


I thought of going to Mardi Gras but its not very warm there
this year (low 60's) and with about a 30% chance of rain and
that didn't sound appealing to me. Lots of people disagree
and you can see them celebrating on webcam
http://www.mardigras.com/
http://mglinks.com/
http://www.mardigrasday.com/mardigras/
http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/



Mardi Gras is the last day of the season of Carnival and can fall
anywhere between February 3rd and March 9th depending on
the church calendar used to determine both Easter and Ash
Wednesday. Carnival is the season from January 6th or Epiphany
(also known as 12th Night or King's Day) which brings us to
King Cake. It's traditional to bake an oval cake in honor of the
three kings (who were bringing gifts to the baby Jesus).

The shape of a King Cake symbolizes the unity of faiths. Each
cake is decorated with icing and colored sugar in the traditional
Mardi Gras colors: purple for justice, green for faith and gold for
power. A small baby, symbolizing the baby Jesus, is baked into
each cake. The custom is that the person who finds the baby
in their slice will be rewarded with good luck, that person is
also charged to bring the King Cake to the next party.

The Krewe Balls are as much a part of the Carnival season
as the parades. Some are by invitation only but all are quite
spectacular. Recently more groups are holding balls.
http://www.mardigrasdigest.com/Sec_KQ/
http://www.mardigrasdigest.com/Events/carnival_balls_parties.htm




Coming up on leap year Encarta does a great job explaining
leap year. I knew that most centennial years : 1700, 1800,
1900 did not have leap year but it never registered with me
that 2000 did have one. They even explain that one, along
with some proposed new calendars and how they will work.
http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/features/Columns/?Article=questionleapyear


BTW guys Leap Year is the traditional time that women could
propose marriage. The 1st documentation of this practice dates
back to 1288, when Scotland passed a law that allowed women
to propose marriage to the man of their choice in that year.

They also made it law that any man who declined a proposal in
a Leap Year must pay a fine. The fine could range from a kiss
to payment for a silk dress or a pair of gloves. Known in the US
as Sadie Hawkins Day a female character in the Al Capp cartoon
strip "Li'l Abner."

According to Wedding Traditions at
http://www.gagirl.com/wedding/wedding1.html
"The right of every women to propose on 29th February each
leap year, goes back many hundreds of years to when the leap
year day had no recognition in English law (the day was ‘lept
over’ and ignored, hence the term ‘leap year’)." (Since) "the day
had no legal status, it was reasonable to assume that traditions
also had no status. Consequently, women who were concerned
about being ‘left on the shelf’ took advantage of this anomaly
and proposed to the man they wished to marry.



Sandiego Museum of Art offers special online only exhibits.
Currently they are the Dragon Robes of Chinas last Dynasty
http://www.sdmart.org/dragonrobes/contents.html
Toulouse Latrec, American Painting and Eyes of the Museum
http://www.sdmart.com/eyes.html


With all the press over Mel Gibson and the film "The Passion
of Christ" and the beginning of Lent this Wednesday, perhaps
its time to once again look at the Image of Edessa or better
known as the Shroud of Turin
http://www.historicaljesusquest.com/mandylion.htm


ATM locator for when you need cash in a strange place
http://visaatm.infonow.net/bin/findNow?ONE=1&CLIENT_ID=VISA_USA&LOCATOR=VISA_USA&TYPE=PERSONAL


essential oils
http://watermagic.com/index.html

Feng Shui Store things to beautify and improve your life
http://store.yahoo.com/shopfengshui/index.html


Live an intentional Life
http://www.alteryourlife.com



Explore art at the getty Museum
http://www.getty.edu/art/exhibitions/


An online experiment in artificial intelligence
http://www.gnod.net/


All of these ebooks are free and can be downloaded to PDA
Palm, PocketPC, etc. Free reader software is also available.
http://manybooks.net/


Hmmmm this guy is listing and describing EVERYTHING in
his house. Right down to the books on his bookshelves.
http://mc.clintock.com/



American history circa 1942 from the Smithsonian
http://americanhistory.si.edu/1942/index.html


Take a minute to click and help fund mamograms
You can do this every day
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com



This is fun. Mostly made for websites but just looking
at mine sent me off ploting where to go next. Try it:
http://www.world66.com/myworld66


If you buy or sell on ebay you may want to check out
their newsletter and the archives for handy tips
http://pages.ebay.com/community/chatter/index.html


From 10 million light years away from the earth to quarks
(telescopic to microscopic and beyond)
examining the many stages by powers of 10
http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index.html


Do colors reveal your personality?
http://www.chinapaint.com/eng/flash/colorandme_en.swf


Fujifilm Digital Camera Developing gives you colorful, high-quality
real pictures – just like film – through the same local stores and
familiar process you've always known.
http://www.digitalcameradeveloping.com/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words of Wisdom........
I've learned . . . That life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned . . . That we should be glad God doesn't
give us everything we ask for.

I've learned . . . That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned . . . That it's those small daily happenings that make
life so spectacular.

I've learned . . . That under everyone's hard shell is someone who
wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned . . . That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What
makes me think I can?

I've learned . . . That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned . . . That when you plan to get even with someone, you
are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned . . . That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned . . . That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is
to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned . . . That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a
smile.

I've learned . . . That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your
babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned . . . That no one is perfect until you fall in love with
them.

I've learned . . . That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned . . . That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.

I've learned . . . That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

I've learned . . . That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her
one more time before she passed away.

I've learned . . . That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned . . . That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your
looks.

I've learned . . . That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose
what I do about it.

I've learned . . . That when your newly born child holds your little
finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned . . . That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned . . . That it is best to give advice in only two
circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life
threatening situation

I've learned . . . That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Nancy for the BRAIN CRAMPS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and
stuff." --Mariah Carey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on
the release of subpoenaed documents.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go
one way or another" --George Bush, US President

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Last week, president Bush said he will not allow Mad Cow
Disease to stop him from eating beef. The president went on
to say that, in fact, today, he had a ham sandwich."
--Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was provided with additional input that was radically
different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain
types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may
not occur." --Al Gore, VP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May
God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in
your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at
night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they
wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


...Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to your other brilliant friends, like I'm doing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Microsoft was headquartered in Southern Georgia
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders;
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle;
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with
a Hefty bag;
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw";
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos;
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '98 would be an outhouse;
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a
digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!";
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '98 theme song
would be Achy-Breaky Heart;
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt";
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic"
and "Vishul C++";
11. Winders logo would incorporate Confederate Flag;
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word;
13. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!";
14. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz";
15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am;
16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse;
17. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver;
18. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire;
19. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory
dead cars in your front yard;
20. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator;
21. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates;
22. Redman plug'n'play interface;
23. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade,
but Albenny would be the one after that;
24. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume
your program manager;
25. Instructions for use would include "mash the control key.";
26. The HQ building will be a double wide on cinder blocks,
because MICROSOFT is hyear to stay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach
that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you
for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see
one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get
to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every
table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these
days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they
notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first
thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you one
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it
normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance
to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody
discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here,
it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even
more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which
states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came
here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas,
some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.

From – Debbie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
W C Fields said –

(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:)
"Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for
hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you
consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father
think about that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting
on people.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no
use being a xxxx about it.

http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/wc_fields.shtml
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

I have never had premonitions,
but I think one day I might.
--Lawrence

History does not repeat itself,
historians merely repeat each other.

Time is relative, meaning good times go fast
and bad times go slow.

Don't you wish some relatives were time and just go?
--Lawrence

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has
the better lawyer.

If he says you're too good for him, believe it.

--Debbie Parson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Outside an auto-repair shop in Danboro, Pennsylvania:
"Wreck Amended."

A note on a taxidermist's window in New England boasts:
"We really know our stuff."

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and
an alms bowl.

Unless, of course, you have the closet space in the master
bedroom.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.

Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.

And sit up straight.

You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

From – Aiken Drums One Liners
Aikensoneliners-subscribe@topica.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Memo: From GOD....Another ten commandments

Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes
YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be
completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant
you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any
inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little
to ask of you. I know, I already gave you the 10 Commandments.
Keep them. But follow these guidelines, also.

1. QUIT WORRYING
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you
forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them
for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that
comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not
YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care
of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And
although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care
of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever
really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never
even realize.

3. TRUST ME
Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them
back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your
needs,your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put
them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems
with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list.
I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE
Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much
stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you
think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me
your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your
strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if
I give you these problems back, you will be right back where
you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them.
Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making
you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know
I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget.
Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want
to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things
going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends
and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I
want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH
I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where
you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;
you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care
for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to
trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems
as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How
hard can trust be?

7. SHARE
You were taught to share when you were only two years old.
When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those
who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those
who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those
who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears
with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith
with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so
many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult,
have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades,
travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and
experience so much. How can you be so impatient then
when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle
something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My
timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe
in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you.
They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same
way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for
My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would
be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each
of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You
were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and
to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your
neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache
when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong.
You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget that!
~~~
With all My heart
I love YOU!
God

Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his
water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand,
when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling
"Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is
again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"

Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun
and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a
sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that
it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but
it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked
voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in
the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what
you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been
wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone
and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think
YOU'RE lost!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around,
is he still wrong?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ford has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and
frost.

Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed
when frozen and not burn up the motor.

But Chevy is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on
all of their trucks to keeps your hands warm while you're
pushing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after
years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession
was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond
in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the
pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Crosus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for
it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the
King!"

Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star... it makes
no difference who you are!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
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http://bluesbaby.surplusalert.com


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Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 7

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 7 February 16, 2004




Well Saturday was Valentines Day and I'm sure we all at least
looked at candy and flowers somewhere along the way. How
could you miss them since they were in every store and gas
station accross the country, The first two sites tell why.


According to Beth Kimmerle, author of Candy: The Sweet
History "chocolate has long been seen as functional...(even)
as something that gave you energy, not something that
took you off your Atkins diet...I n the late 1920s and early
30s, candy bars had names such as "Denver Sandwich" and
"Chicken Dinner." For more info see:
http://cbs.marketwatch.com/news/story.asp?siteid=mktw&dist=nwhpf&guid=%7B990BDA39%2D7E1D%2D4BFF%2DADCC%2D07C92E7E0274%7D



If flowers were your gift of choice, you may want to see why:
http://cbs.marketwatch.com/news/story.asp?siteid=mktw&dist=nwhpf&guid=%7B6019D9A3%2DABA1%2D478F%2D83BB%2D078ADE982F80%7D



Promoting self-reliance among mainstream women, including
political freedom, economic liberty, and personal responsibility
http://www.iwf.org/



Now its hard to know what is safe to download.
To get a grip on the controversy try
http://www.whatsthedownload.com/



The top 12 Grow Younger™ strategies designed to make
your RealAge younger
http://www.realage.com/research_library/12ways.aspx



A great new word site - look up those bizarre things
the kids are saying now
http://www.wordspy.com/



Movie rental ideas based on your personality traits
http://www.whattorent.com/



Movies and activities related to time from the Science
Museum http://www.playingwithtime.org/



4 million people each month visit craigslist. Are you one of
them? A community that folks use to get the word out
regarding everyday stuff, and connect with others in the
local community to find jobs, companionship, community,
and housing since 1995.
http://www.craigslist.org/



Over 40,000 articles posted about 10,000 destinations
by people just like you. Can be downloaded to a PDA
http://www.world66.com/home



Lets not forget good, "old fashion" drive in theaters
currently a disapearing art form.
http://www.drive-ins.com/



Funny stuff particularly the Disney stories
http://www.povonline.com/Miscellaneous.htm


The rest are art and music related sites today
Fabulous sky shots posted from here to there
. . . beautiful sky everywhere
http://www.enchantedceiling.com/


Picture gallery of famous and influential women of our time
http://www.npg.si.edu/cexh/woot/


100 Years of Photography - US
http://www.archives.gov/exhibit_hall/picturing_the_century/


Historic Pictures of London: people and places
http://www.photolondon.org.uk/


Sunday marked the start of the annual Picture of the
Year Contest for photojournalists which began in 1944.
Links offer previous years winners websites.
http://www.poy.org/

and for college for student photographers begun in 1945
showing outstanding vision, reporting and storytelling
http://www.cpoy.org/58/index.html


The Pulitzer Prize Photos
http://www.newseum.org/pulitzer/index.htm


Salvadore Dali Online Exhibit
http://www.daliweb.tampa.fl.us/


The 5 line self portrait: look, create, contribute
http://www.the5line.com/


The journal of a wandering artist
http://www.beasdiary.com/


Each picture in the gallery shows some part of the
culture around the blues. Many have music clips to
download and enjoy courtesy of the artist
http://www.steberphoto.com/



Interesting site covering the musical device of modulation
known as truck drivers gear change
http://www.gearchange.org/



Innovative commercials from the UK
(click on the kittens)
http://www.gorgeous.co.uk/


Vintage ads
http://www.drokk.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. President Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfield’s Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Diane for this one
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All
you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people
are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it
only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think
you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the
sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless
we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't
working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Anita for these
HERE'S THE FUTURE
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
May I have your..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order..."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Sheehan and you're calling
from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 494 2366,
your office 745 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566.
Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have
high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt
Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular
Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last
week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family
sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your
family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.
Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing
your bank $3720.55 since October last year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment
charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood
ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've
reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have
the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait
you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What the..?"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own
a Harley,...registration number E1123..."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember
on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive
language on a policeman...

Customer:( Speechless)

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving
me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your
records you're also diabetic....... " !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cat Physics

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside force—such as the opening of
cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a really
good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in
the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good
and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire
for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor
destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as
possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot
of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat
within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show
you he can.

19 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their
surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had
never seen a live football game before, Madge thought
the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity
for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium
overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the
kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth
struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader
performance that followed. Then came the second half.
When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff,
Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said.
"This is where we came in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point
that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde
got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how
she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought
about her situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she
got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow
plow to come by and follow it. That way she would
not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in
a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started
to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very
mug as they continued, and she was not having any
problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat
surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver
got out and came back to her car and signaled her to
roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all
right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's
advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a bizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she
could continue if she wanted... but he was done with
the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart
next.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was
Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus'
father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking
about Verge n' Mary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's Dictionary

AIRPLANE:
What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat
strained beets.

ALIEN:
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she
spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE:
Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM:
A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom)
to be self-cleaning.

"BECAUSE":
Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained
logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST:
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET:
Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud
off shoes.

CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always
winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids,
who have had the most sugar.

CHINA:
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love
leftover vegetables.

COOK:
1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO:
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE:
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying
about the kids in a different setting.

DUST:
Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into
a battle zone.

EAR:
A place where kids store dirt.

EAT:
What kids do between meals, but not at them.

ENERGY:
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times
by children.

EYE:
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom,
can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a
carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE:
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD:
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
"What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE:
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
assigns to a different family member each week, then
winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES:
Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM:
Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER:
A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but
not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS:
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic
soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to
consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT:
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

ICE:
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small
plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things
instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE:
That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once
Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them
ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO":
Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT:
When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS:
Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about
any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE:
Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK:
Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP:
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish
that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get
the seasoning just right.

KISS:
Mom medicine.

LAKE:
Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND:
Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table,
chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to
six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE:
An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-
mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning
experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS:
See "Kids' Friends"

MAKEUP:
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE:
No.

MILK:
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!":
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH:
1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS:
A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can
never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice,
opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat
ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC:
What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN:
What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several
dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN:
The position of children's mouths when they eat in front
of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER:
Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY:
Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS:
Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.

PIANO:
A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands
of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids
will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE:
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she
can never find beacuse they're buried under tissues, gum
wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-
food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples,
a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET:
A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth
of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left
for college.

RAINCOAT:
Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker
stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear
"the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR:
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER:
A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on
a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY:
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reinactments of famous
historic events.

SCREAMING:
Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS:
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting
children from the cold and reminding them that they have
to go to the bathroom.

SOAP:
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one
of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT:
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN:
What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with
Grandma.

SWEATER:
Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away
colds, fly and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST:
Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE:
A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S:
Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY":
How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good
for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS:
See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

TRAMP:
A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE:
Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH:
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom
must instruct her offspring to do something before it
actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR:
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the
wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA:
See"BUBBLE BATH"

VACATION:
Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to
find it there, too.

VITAMINS:
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow
each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow
up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS:
Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with
every room.

WASHING MACHINE:
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink
markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME":
Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO:
Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing
note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE:
Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children
who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing
constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE:
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to
sell kids's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at
the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to
part with.

"YIPPEE!":
What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year
was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION:
Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket
already this week.

ZUCCHINI:
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my webstore!
http://bluesbaby.surplusalert.com


If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Thanks and have a great week!

FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 6

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 6 February 9, 2004


Well it will be Valentines Day Saturday and if ecards
are your thing I have included some of the best sites.
(Guys you are warned chocolate always rules, but
jewelry and flowers are right up there too!) I couldn't
think of a more appropriate time to consider all the uses
for that age old sweet honey, so that's included here.



Card sites
http://www.quickegreets.com/valentine/index12.htm
http://www.ecards4free.com/valentines.htm
http://www.101valentinesday.com/
http://www.postcards.org pretty funny
http://www.bemine.com/ go to secret place
http://www.postcardmaker.com build your own
http://www1.beatgreets.com with real music
http://www.aaapostcards.com no popups
http://www.sende-flower.com no popups
http://www.cyberkisses.com kisses ? ? ?


Cool coloring pages and valentines for kids
http://www.dltk-kids.com/crafts/cartoons/zoo.html

Valentine rocks with a message?
http://www.2rocku.com/valentines.html

Darling Valentine Teddy Bears
http://store.yahoo.com/vtbear/index.html



(Best with Broadband) from RollingStone Magazine a free,
full length, blues song to download featuring Buddy Guy,
BB King and Eric Clapton
http://rollingstone.com/dds/track.asp?rid=40229&listen

More Free Legal Downloads here
http://www.rollingstone.com/dds/default.asp
If anyone finds more great blues online let me know!


You don't have to be a senior to enjoy the word games
and puzzles on AARP
http://www.aarp.org/games/


Interactive demo on making prints, etchings and
lithographs from the Museum of Modern Art
http://www.moma.org/whatisaprint/print.html


Underwater archeology
http://www.culture.gouv.fr/culture/archeosm/en/


Since 1996 Turbulence has commissioned, exhibited and
archived over 75 original artworks.
http://www.turbulence.org/



This one is creepy: they Rule is a website that allows you
to create maps of the interlocking directories of the top
100 companies in the US in 2001. It provides a facinating
look into the boardrooms. Once you enter, go to about
for details on navigation in this site.
http://www.theyrule.net/



Logical fallacies are errors of reasoning, errors which may
be recognized and corrected by prudent thinkers. Index
and descriptions of all known logical fallacies as well as
links to other online logic resources.
http://www.datanation.com/fallacies/index.html



Do you love "B" type horror movies? Largely ignored by
mainstream film buffs, and sorely under-appreciated,
William Girdler Sr. remains one of Hollywood history's
most prolific directors who's career was cut short.
http://www.williamgirdler.com/


A new episode of The Frank & Fritzy Show airs every
Wednesday (you'll need Real Player or Windows Media
Player to listen). Produced by the Smoking Gun, the
first of 45 episodes are here:
http://www.wmob.com/



See if your city is safe
http://www.morganquitno.com/



For several years now Jim has been posting evil cat pics
http://www.mycathatesyou.com/


Alton Brown explores the origins of ingredients, decodes
culinary customs and presents food and equipment trends
on the Food Networks "Good Eats".
http://www.altonbrown.com/
http://www.foodnetwork.com/



Snack reviews and where to buy regional or obscure snacks
http://www.taquitos.net/




RIGHT BRAIN - LEFT BRAIN
This is soooo stupid but true...
and it's going to drive you crazy!

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this,
draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing
you can do about it, no matter how hard you try.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to k9keeperjane via GrandparentsRus for
Medicine in the Food Cupboard

Today, many people are battling to maintain themselves
and families on limited incomes. But there is a simple
product in the pantry which is a medicine and cosmetic
as well as a food.

Honey is mankind's oldest food and medicine but has been
overpowered by heavy advertising by the drug companies
which now take $600 million per year from the New Zealand
economy. Honey is a universal medicine and the other bee
products of royal jelly, propolis, bee pollen, wax and venom
have specific uses that we will not cover here today.

Here are 22 tips from the world of apitherapy
(medicine from bees) to cut your doctors' bill.
There are 750 different kinds of honey but any
will do for the following uses, although runny
honey is the easiest.

Honey for Burns
Apply freely over burns. It cools, removes pain and
aids fast healing without scarring. Apart from being
a salve and antibiotic, bacteria cannot live in honey.

Bed Wetting
A teaspoon of honey before bed, aids water
retention and calms fears in children.

Sleeplessness
A dessert spoon of honey in a mug of hot milk
aids sleep and works wonders!

Hyperactivity
Honey is a mild sedative with minerals, vitamins,
amino acids etc. Replace all white sugar with honey.
White sugar is highly stimulating with no food qualities!

Nasal Congestion
Place a dessert spoon of honey in a basin of hot water
and inhale fumes after covering your head with a towel
over the basin. Very effective.

Wounds or Grazes
Cover wound with honey and a bandage. Excellent healer.

For Fatigue
Dissolve a dessertspoon of honey in warm water or
quarter honey balance of water in a jug and keep in
the fridge. Honey is primarily fructose and glucose
and so it is quickly absorbed by the digestive system.
(Honey is a unique natural stabilizer - ancient Greek
athletes took honey for stamina before competing
and as a reviver after competition.)

Facial Deep Cleanser
Mix honey with oatmeal approx. 50/50 till thick and
apply as a face-pack. Leave on for half an hour then
wash off. Great as a deep cleanser for acne etc.

Poor Digestion
Mix honey with apple cider vinegar approx. 50/50
and dilute to taste with water - aids digestion. Also
reputed to be wonderful for the joints.

Hair Conditioner
Mix honey with equal quantity of Olive Oil and cover
head with a warm towel for half and hour then
shampoo off. Feeds hair and scalp. Hair will never
look or feel better!

Sore Throats
Let a teaspoon of honey melt in the back of the
mouth and trickle down the throat. Eases inflamed
raw tissues.

For Stress
Honey in water is a stabilizer - calms highs and raises
lows. Use approx. 25 percent honey to water.

Anemia
Honey is the best blood enricher by raising corpuscle
content. The darker the honey the more minerals it
contains.

Food Preservative
Cakes with honey replacing sugar stay fresher longer
due to natural antibiotics. Reduce liquids by approx.
one-fifth to allow for moisture in honey.

Heart patients
These people are well advised to replace white sugar
(sucrose) with honey, natural fructose and glucose.

Hayfever
Chewing the tops of comb honey stimulates the
immune system due to minute amounts of pollen.
During the season chew for 20 minutes a teaspoon
of bee cappings (tops) five to six times per day.
Highly effective and useful for asthma suffers as well.

Baby's Bottle
Four teaspoons of honey to a baby's bottle of water
is an excellent pacifier and multivitamin additive. If
baby's motions are too liquid then reduce by half a
teaspoon; if too solid increase by half a teaspoon.

Teething
Honey rubbed on a baby's gums is a mild sedative
and anaesthetic.

Osteoporosis
English research has shown that a teaspoon of
honey per day aids calcium utilization and prevents
osteoporosis. Essential from age 50 onwards.

Long Life
One common fact worldwide is that the most long-
lived people are regular users of honey. An interesting
fact yet to be explained is that beekeepers suffer less
from cancer and arthritis than any other occupational
group worldwide.

Migraine
Use a dessertspoon of honey dissolved in half a glass
of warm water. Sip at start of attack. If necessary
repeat in 20 minutes. Always effective (so tip goes)
as migraine is stress related.

Conjunctivitis (pus in the eye)
Honey dissolved in equal quantity of warm water.
Apply when cooled as lotion or eye bath.

COUGH MIXTURE
6 ozs liquid honey
2 ozs glycerine
Juice of 2 lemons
Mix well. Bottle and cork firmly. Use as required


Keep honey in first aid cupboard for emergency
burns etc and another in the kitchen cupboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IRAQ -- VERY INTERESTING -- DID YOU KNOW?
Just in case you might think of Iraq as "only" an oil rich
nation, ruled by an evil dictator for 30 years, whether
it has been supporting terrorists or may not be very
important, here are a few important facts regarding
the important history and roles that this nation has
played down through history. It’s amazing how far a
place can fall with the wrong leadership.

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq. (it sure doesn't look
much like Paradise on earth today thanks to Saddam)

2. Mesopotamia which is now Iraq was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor which is in Iraq.

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.

9. Assyria which is in Iraq conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

10. Amos cried out in Iraq!

11. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on
the wall" in Iraq. (Hey, This One Saddam finally did too!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On to the more silly stuff

Computer Virus Types...

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then
self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with
marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus
a 3.5 percent margin of error).

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes
a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks
to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once
if by LAN, twice if by C:.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file,
it requires you to first see a counselor about possible
alternatives.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it
ever happened.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing
armies." ~~ Thomas Jefferson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would
never stoop to admitting it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for this one
There was an old lady wandering around the supermarket
calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Madam, the Crisco is in
aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking
stuff, I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that
when we're out in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard ass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Must Stop This immediately!

Have you ever noticed that when
you're of a certain age, everything
seems uphill from where you are?
Stairs are steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther
away... Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to
discover how long our street had
become!

And, you know, people are less
considerate now, especially the
young ones. They speak in
whispers all the time! If you ask
them to speak up they just keep
repeating themselves, endlessly
mouthing the same silent message
until they're red in the face! What
do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger
than I was at the same age. On the
other hand people my own age are
much older than I am. I ran into
an old friend the other day and she
has aged so much that she didn't
even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear
while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at
my own reflection...Well, REALLY
NOW-even mirrors are not made the
way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so
fast today! You're risking life and
limb if you just happen to pull onto
the freeway in front of them..
All I can say is, their brakes must
wear out awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear
view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less
civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10
or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they
think no one notices that these things
no longer fit around the waist, hips,
thighs, and bosom? The people who
make bathroom scales are pulling
the same prank, but in reverse. Do they
think I actually "believe" the number I
see on that dial? HA! I would never let
myself weigh that much! Just who do
these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority
to report what's going on -- but the
telephone company is in on the
conspiracy too: they've printed the
phone books in such small type that
no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
Maturity is under attack!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty
soon "everyone" will have to suffer these
awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE
YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO
WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY
STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font
size, because something has caused fonts to
be smaller than they once were too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After he asked her how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I couldn't understand it;
why they were killing each other for 25 cents?"

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then
for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, "Get
the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with all
Microsoft products." ~~ Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my webstore!
http://bluesbaby.surplusalert.com


If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Thanks and have a great week!
Oh and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 5

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 5 February 2, 2004


Happy Groundhogs Day! Time to see if we'll have six more
weeks of winter. Predictions are based on sunrise siting. Not
sure I can take too much more of the kind of winter we have
been having so "come on groundhog, do your thing".

http://www.groundhog.org/ Punxatawney PA
http://groundhog.4-evercards.com/ghoga.html Sun Prarie WI
http://www.birminghamzoo.com/ Birmingham AL
http://www.yellowrivergameranch.com/ghday.htm Lilburn GA
http://www.southbrucepeninsula.com/index.cfm?member=willie Wiarton Canada
http://www.dunkirkdave.org/ Dunkirk NY
http://www.vtonly.com/peewee.htm Mile Square VT


http://groundhogsday.com/ Lots of links but commericialized
http://www.stormfax.com/ghogday.htm history

Oh oh see what happens in St Louis
http://www.stlzoo.org/home/featurednews/groundhogsays.htm


Groundhog Carols
http://ourworld.cs.com/DonaldRHalley/ghdsongs.htm
http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/631/files/grndhgcarols.htm


If I ever decide I need a cat again I may have to pick out a
Ragdoll. Having had a huge Hymalayin - Siamese mix (about
24 pounds) when the kids were small and having the good
fortune that the grandkids have their own enormous, well
tempered cat (this one a 27 pound orange tabby) I know
just what snuggle bugs big kitties can be.
http://www.ragdoll-cats.com/descrip.htm



While we were spending our time in holiday mode
Dubya was selling us down the river. On Dec 23,
the Bush administration revoked protection for over
9 million acres in Alaska’s Tongass National Forest.
http://www.sierraclub.org/forests/

They offer places for protest to the outrages of our
environment. Nope I'm not a nature freek just a city girl
who would like to see big business think about the future
of the planet and possibly not make that extra buck strip
mining, clear cutting forests, and drilling in the wilderness!
They won't stop unless we MAKE them! We may be at
the top of the food chain but the ecosystem has a
delicate balance that needs better protection than this.



Your tax dollars at work. (Better look at it while you can
before Bush sells it to big business for pick one a) strip
mining, b) clearcutting timber, or c) oil drilling in the
wilderness areas)
http://visibleearth.nasa.gov/



A great bookmark for travelers with time conversion,
currency conversion and translation helpers
http://www.virtualtourist.com/vt/tt/


I'm always looking for a good read, so try this one or one
of the other Conde publications like Epicurious, Style or
House and Garden
http://www.newyorker.com/


Once upon a time, Todd was laid off and created this site.
He has added to his daily stuff (DAILY FACT I LEARNED
FROM THE TV, DAILY GOOD NEWS, DAILY FUNLINK,
and DAILY LETTER) since then so there are plenty of
amusing time wasters here.
http://www.oddtodd.com/


Requires registration but a cool new Web portal with
free services to help identify hackers and suspects by
tracing an IP address to its geographical location and
identifying the network service provider for the IP
address, to check your Internet connection speed,
both download and upload, and identify system, model
number, and cache settings.
http://www.mycooltools.com


When the days get colder I seem to spend more time
experimenting in the kitchen. If you are looking for some
exotic or ethnic recipes try one of these sites:
http://www.tarladalal.com india
http://www.sanjeevkapoor.com india
http://www.gastronomie.com france
http://www.marmiton.com france
http://www.1worldrecipes.com spicy
http://www.discoverlanzarote.com carribean
http://www.culinaryforum.com recipes and techniques
http://www.capriflavors.com capri
http://www.italianmade.com italy
http://www.agferrari.com italy
http://www.miettas.com australia
http://www.gourmetireland.com ireland


My kind of people for really quick meals
http://recipes.chef2chef.net/ (they had a slogan
"9 out of 10 people like Chocolate. . .
The 10th person always lies... ")


And there are always the 'old' standbys:
https://www.bettycrocker.com/ recipes, charts and how to's
http://www.ivillage.com/food/experts/mrfood/
http://www.emerils.com/recipedb/index.php
http://www.marthastewart.com/



Visual poetry and science fun narrated in an object oriented
graphic environment.
http://www.levitated.net/


After all the advertising for wedding week I thought
this was appropriate - shortest celeb weddings
http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/vh1_all_access/64609/episode_about.jhtml


Keep a watch out for people standing near you at retail
stores, restaurants, grocery stores, etc., that have a cell
phone in hand. With the new camera cell phones, they
can take a picture of your credit card, which gives them
your name, number, and expiration date. Identification
theft is one of the fastest growing scams today, and this
is just another example of the means that are being
used. So... be aware of your surroundings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it true that a foot of snow equals an inch of water?

Nope, that's a myth. The weight of the snow is actually
more important than the depth in determining how much
water is produced when the snow melts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No one should live by the early bird policy without finding
out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car
one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two
little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevy convertible,
parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot is
closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and
asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased
the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and
drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady.

"And besides we are waiting. We were told that if
we bought a car here we would get screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience
at their exclusive country club when this stunning young
woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had
enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most
aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make
your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more
summers in Tuscany, no more Bentley Brooklands in
the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have
to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller
homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you who know computer engineers, are
computer engineers, or ought to be computer engineers.

Q When does a person decide to become an computer
engineer?
A When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be
an undertaker.

Q What do computer engineers use for birth control?
A Their personalities.

Q How can you tell an extroverted computer engineer?
A When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead
of his own.

Q Why did the computer engineer cross the road?
A Because they looked in the file, and that's what they
did last year.

Q How do you drive an computer engineer completely insane?
A Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up
a road map the wrong way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving through a small Southern town I saw a "Nativity
Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into
creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three
wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I
decided to stop at a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town.
I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She responded in annoyance, "You Yankees never do
read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply recall
anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a
passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right
here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-
way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they
all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. "Oh, this
is terrible," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think
we summoned you here, but we weren't expecting you,
and your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in
just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer,
this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're
ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix
a place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up
for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later, St. Peter's phone rang. "Pete, this is
Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy
is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised
enough money to buy air conditioning!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a
conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy
and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception afterwards, a
French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans
learned many languages, Americans only learned Englsh. He
asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English at these
conferences rather than you speaking French?"

Without hesitation, the American admiral replied, "Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged
it so that you wouldn't have to speak German."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Rules of Chocolate"

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, strawberries and orange
slices all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take
the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the
freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of
the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will
jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually
counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics
Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control
top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be
devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really
bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch
the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't
charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit
in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Real World Guide to being A Chicagoan

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is
Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live north or
South of Roosevelt Rd.

2. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old,
throw it out and buy new one.

3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago
has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

4. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase
in Chicago. We all drive like that.

5. All directions start with, "I-94" ... which has no beginning
and no end.

6. The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11. The evening rush
hour is from 2 to 8. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot.

8. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

9. All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of
way. Period.

10. If it's 100 degrees, It's Taste of Chicago.

11. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, It's opening day
at Comisky Park.

12. If you go to the Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park in
the "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2,500.00
for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Man plans and God laughs.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
President George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a
celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The
waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is
young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have
the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks,
"And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked
and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a
new administration that was committed to high principles
and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."

With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I
believe that's pronounced quiche."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian
dog.

The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this
comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
the fire hydrants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or
ice -- there are two other possibilities: one is paperwork,
and the other is nostalgia." Frank Zappa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and
a grocery bag?

A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is
used to carry groceries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to
celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A
sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending
that much."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.
If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the
Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Amanda for these
He said She said...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me," What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says,
"I'll miss you."
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -
That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa.
_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
___________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumor
_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy
came to them and said that because they had been such a
devoted couple she would grant each of them a very
special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world
with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....
Whoosh.... Immediately he turned ninety.

Gotta love that fairy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With the average cost for a Nursing Home reaching $188.00
per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when
we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations
at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount
and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or
room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they
provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,
washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors,
and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth
of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat
at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport,
fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday
Inn will take your reservation today. And, you are not stuck in
one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from
city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress
replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for
the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.
The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the
undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare
will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite
for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be
glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-
vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for these
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed
separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

THE RESULTS:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high-maintenance, has very
picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is
interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet
evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should
be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed
this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not
to make her mad!

THEN THERE IS THE MALE ADDENDUM

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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