FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 16
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 16 April 26, 2004
Well it was the standard, grey, gloomy, or raining here this
weekend but its bright and sunny today. Hopefully we all got
some rest and relaxation anyhow.
Have you seen the clever, but odd, new ad campaign courtesy
of Burger King? The Subservient Chicken was the most popular
cyber-destination over a 2 day span earlier this week according
to Popdex, which tracks site popularity.
At first glance, the virtual chicken, which might seem creepy to
some visitors, looks like a porn version of the San Diego Padres
mascot. He prances across the screen clad in garters, using what
looks like a low-budget, voyeur cam that's sure to titillate poultry-
philes everywhere. But while he obeys hundreds of commands,
the quirky chicken man won't cross the line of good taste. Tell
him to strip or do something naughty and you'llget an wag of
the finger. But order him to dance, sleep, or fly, and off he goes.
http://www.subservientchicken.com/
If you have been missing the Apprentice you can catch up on
the Donald, the villaness everyone loves to hate, and the two
finalists (Bill and Kwame) at eOnline!
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,13928,00.html
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,13918,00.html
OOOOOOOhhhhhh I just love gadgets and the latest bathroom
fixtures and gadgets are here. I want them all! Can I have the
automatic tub fixture on the soaking tub? Decisions, decisions!
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Decorate/10Brand-newbathroomgadgets.aspx
Are you single and renting? Tryout the tools in this article
rent vs buy and payment estimator
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Financing/Experts/HomeownershipforSingles.aspx?GT1=3165
Do you get your 5 a day? Research has proven that specific
phytonutrients fight viruses and diseases, but a recent study
by the NIHS in Japan, suggests that regularly drinking carrot
juice could help prevent and treat a wide range of allergies
http://www.kagome.us/
The nation's top 100 Spring Allergy Capitals and tips for
preventing spring allergy attacks, and allows you to check
their local allergy forecast. Sign up for Allergy e-mails sent
when pollen counts are elevated.
http://www.allergyactionplan.com/
Spring allergy prevention guide from MSN
http://allergy.msn.com/article.aspx?aid=11
The most and least stressful places to live based on the most
current unemployment rate, divorce rate and commute time,
crime statistics, suicide rate, alcohol consumption, poor mental
health, and the number of cloudy days. How does your home
town stack up? http://www.bestplaces.net/
Blender Magazine announced the worst 50 songs including
the worst moment in each. While you are there, try the music
oriented crossword puzzle
http://www.blender.com/articles/article_786.html
Traveling with kids can be a trial. Before you book it, look here
for tips to smooth out the plans and keep everyone happy.
http://travelwithkids.about.com/
Found some great recipes for mexican food here
http://www.zihua-ixtapa.com/cookbook/
http://www.batista.org/personal.html#Recipes
Original food writing, photography, and links to food news
and events, recipes, and much more.
http://www.thefoodsection.com/
How can you argue with a site that says chocolate is good for
you? It is a commercial site but its aim is to help you relieve
stress, boost your brain, and improve your health. Check it out:
http://www.healthexpressions.com/truth_or_myth/index.shtml
Need to find something in the UK. Try the largest directory
service with people and business finders, maps,addresses,
service directories, and info on products in the UK.
http://192.com/index.cfm
Our bags... Why do we carry around all that stuff and more
important, what is all that stuff? An interesting look inside
handbags. One of man's mysteries revealed.
http://www.bagladies.nl/
CouchSurfing.com helps you make connections worldwide.
You can use the network to meet people and then go and
surf other members couches! When you surf a couch, you
are a guest at someone's house. They will provide you with
some sort of accommodation. Travel to 65 Countries cheap!
http://www.couchsurfing.com/
Tracking money in politics, its effect on elections and public
policy. They conducts computer-based research on campaign
finance issues for the news media, academics, activists, and
the public at large; creating amore educated voter, and a
more responsive government.
http://www.opensecrets.org/
"because sometimes you just need to get it off your chest --
to someone who will actually listen." If you have "had it" try:
http://www.pickupyourowndamnsocks.com/
300 years of the history of Saint Petersburg
http://www.keenwebs.com/KSRL_FrostedWindows/home.cfm
This two year old really gets around! He has his picture taken
with famous people by his stay at home dad who made the site
http://www.whoisthatwithjeremy.com/
. . . "as a photographer I am able give these abandoned
structures a second life of sorts, preserving them in a picture
for others to see and interpret their history for themselves."
http://photos.dobi.nu/
Photo studies in black and white
http://www.poeki.net/mywomen/
Showcasing grafitti artists in the UK
http://www.theymademedoit.com/
Tessellations here mean designs featuring animals, birds, etc,
which fill the page without overlapping to form a pattern.
http://www.tessellations.org/
An assortment of Flash and shockwave games
http://www.gratuitouspleasures.com/inde2001.html
http://www.shockwave.com/sw/actiongames/
http://www.shockwave.com/sw/mindgames/
http://www.shockwave.com/content/ninjai/
19th CenturyGargoyles or Grotesques
http://cidc.library.cornell.edu/adw/gravely.html
Asian Art Museum of San Frisco
http://www.asianart.org/
Local food is fresher and tastes better than food shipped
long distances from other states or countries. So buy local,
you'll strengthen your local economy.
http://www.foodroutes.org/
Now for total wackiness, "Serving the Paranoid Since 1997"
http://zapatopi.net/
Looking for this years top 100 sites, I stumbled across last
years version. (You can download many hours of diversion.)
http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,4149,908003,00.asp
http://www.pcmag.com/category2/0,1738,980962,00.asp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've all seen the things you can do with Coke but have
you seen what you can do with Vodka
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage
with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill
a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let
set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka
kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a
soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the
vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and
letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after
using it to shave. The vodka disinfects the blade and
prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then
blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as a toner
or astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Adda jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair,
and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and
spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a
Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreezable
ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed
lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a
coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons
powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight
container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix
with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.
12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
13. If ablister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local
anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons
crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee
filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.
15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear.
Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the
bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your
chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
19. To remove cigarette smoke in your home or office mix
one part vodka and three parts water and spray any cloth,
items then launder and let dry.
20. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to
remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
21. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allowyour
gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
After reading this, can you believe that some people drink
the stuff?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Rock on ATM's "Have you ever taken $400 out at 3 am
for something positive?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Proverbs
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion
that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the vacation.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal withit.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw
away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the
ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast
to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never run out of material.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these Axioms
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without
sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it
remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its
burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass
them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up
75% of the world's population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the
things left by those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in
public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the
hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Male philosophy:
"If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around,
is he still wrong?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A good-OLE-boy staggered home late on New Years Eve
after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in
left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as
he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A pint
bottle in each back pocket broke and made landing very
painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled
down his pants and examined his cut and bleeding cheeks
in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway. He managed to
find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place
them as best he could on each place he saw blood. After
hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed.
Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt
to find his wife staring at him from across theroom, and
hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her
and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass
at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing
through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly....
...it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say...
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have
to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll
be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile
attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure
skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend.
You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it
run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and
pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to
the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend. Here's $100.
1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry
about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but
he doesn't mean it!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the
Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the
stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded:
"The small investor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyone who calls themselves well adjusted in such a sick
world as this, is someone to be truly be worried about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art, or
whatever - evokes three stages of reaction in a hearer;
1. It is completely impossible - don't waste my time.
2. It is possible, but it is not worth doing.
3. I said it was a good idea all along.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then
ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for
The first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat
and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down
her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and
pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them
through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll
never eat out with us again!"
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look
dear," he said. "Quality time!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.
Don't forget to check out my webstore!
http://bluesbaby.surplusalert.com
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com
If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Thanks and have a great week!
Volume 3 Issue 16 April 26, 2004
Well it was the standard, grey, gloomy, or raining here this
weekend but its bright and sunny today. Hopefully we all got
some rest and relaxation anyhow.
Have you seen the clever, but odd, new ad campaign courtesy
of Burger King? The Subservient Chicken was the most popular
cyber-destination over a 2 day span earlier this week according
to Popdex, which tracks site popularity.
At first glance, the virtual chicken, which might seem creepy to
some visitors, looks like a porn version of the San Diego Padres
mascot. He prances across the screen clad in garters, using what
looks like a low-budget, voyeur cam that's sure to titillate poultry-
philes everywhere. But while he obeys hundreds of commands,
the quirky chicken man won't cross the line of good taste. Tell
him to strip or do something naughty and you'llget an wag of
the finger. But order him to dance, sleep, or fly, and off he goes.
http://www.subservientchicken.com/
If you have been missing the Apprentice you can catch up on
the Donald, the villaness everyone loves to hate, and the two
finalists (Bill and Kwame) at eOnline!
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,13928,00.html
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,13918,00.html
OOOOOOOhhhhhh I just love gadgets and the latest bathroom
fixtures and gadgets are here. I want them all! Can I have the
automatic tub fixture on the soaking tub? Decisions, decisions!
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Decorate/10Brand-newbathroomgadgets.aspx
Are you single and renting? Tryout the tools in this article
rent vs buy and payment estimator
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Financing/Experts/HomeownershipforSingles.aspx?GT1=3165
Do you get your 5 a day? Research has proven that specific
phytonutrients fight viruses and diseases, but a recent study
by the NIHS in Japan, suggests that regularly drinking carrot
juice could help prevent and treat a wide range of allergies
http://www.kagome.us/
The nation's top 100 Spring Allergy Capitals and tips for
preventing spring allergy attacks, and allows you to check
their local allergy forecast. Sign up for Allergy e-mails sent
when pollen counts are elevated.
http://www.allergyactionplan.com/
Spring allergy prevention guide from MSN
http://allergy.msn.com/article.aspx?aid=11
The most and least stressful places to live based on the most
current unemployment rate, divorce rate and commute time,
crime statistics, suicide rate, alcohol consumption, poor mental
health, and the number of cloudy days. How does your home
town stack up? http://www.bestplaces.net/
Blender Magazine announced the worst 50 songs including
the worst moment in each. While you are there, try the music
oriented crossword puzzle
http://www.blender.com/articles/article_786.html
Traveling with kids can be a trial. Before you book it, look here
for tips to smooth out the plans and keep everyone happy.
http://travelwithkids.about.com/
Found some great recipes for mexican food here
http://www.zihua-ixtapa.com/cookbook/
http://www.batista.org/personal.html#Recipes
Original food writing, photography, and links to food news
and events, recipes, and much more.
http://www.thefoodsection.com/
How can you argue with a site that says chocolate is good for
you? It is a commercial site but its aim is to help you relieve
stress, boost your brain, and improve your health. Check it out:
http://www.healthexpressions.com/truth_or_myth/index.shtml
Need to find something in the UK. Try the largest directory
service with people and business finders, maps,addresses,
service directories, and info on products in the UK.
http://192.com/index.cfm
Our bags... Why do we carry around all that stuff and more
important, what is all that stuff? An interesting look inside
handbags. One of man's mysteries revealed.
http://www.bagladies.nl/
CouchSurfing.com helps you make connections worldwide.
You can use the network to meet people and then go and
surf other members couches! When you surf a couch, you
are a guest at someone's house. They will provide you with
some sort of accommodation. Travel to 65 Countries cheap!
http://www.couchsurfing.com/
Tracking money in politics, its effect on elections and public
policy. They conducts computer-based research on campaign
finance issues for the news media, academics, activists, and
the public at large; creating amore educated voter, and a
more responsive government.
http://www.opensecrets.org/
"because sometimes you just need to get it off your chest --
to someone who will actually listen." If you have "had it" try:
http://www.pickupyourowndamnsocks.com/
300 years of the history of Saint Petersburg
http://www.keenwebs.com/KSRL_FrostedWindows/home.cfm
This two year old really gets around! He has his picture taken
with famous people by his stay at home dad who made the site
http://www.whoisthatwithjeremy.com/
. . . "as a photographer I am able give these abandoned
structures a second life of sorts, preserving them in a picture
for others to see and interpret their history for themselves."
http://photos.dobi.nu/
Photo studies in black and white
http://www.poeki.net/mywomen/
Showcasing grafitti artists in the UK
http://www.theymademedoit.com/
Tessellations here mean designs featuring animals, birds, etc,
which fill the page without overlapping to form a pattern.
http://www.tessellations.org/
An assortment of Flash and shockwave games
http://www.gratuitouspleasures.com/inde2001.html
http://www.shockwave.com/sw/actiongames/
http://www.shockwave.com/sw/mindgames/
http://www.shockwave.com/content/ninjai/
19th CenturyGargoyles or Grotesques
http://cidc.library.cornell.edu/adw/gravely.html
Asian Art Museum of San Frisco
http://www.asianart.org/
Local food is fresher and tastes better than food shipped
long distances from other states or countries. So buy local,
you'll strengthen your local economy.
http://www.foodroutes.org/
Now for total wackiness, "Serving the Paranoid Since 1997"
http://zapatopi.net/
Looking for this years top 100 sites, I stumbled across last
years version. (You can download many hours of diversion.)
http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,4149,908003,00.asp
http://www.pcmag.com/category2/0,1738,980962,00.asp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've all seen the things you can do with Coke but have
you seen what you can do with Vodka
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage
with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill
a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let
set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka
kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a
soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the
vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and
letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after
using it to shave. The vodka disinfects the blade and
prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then
blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as a toner
or astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Adda jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair,
and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and
spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a
Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreezable
ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed
lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a
coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons
powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight
container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix
with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.
12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
13. If ablister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local
anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons
crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee
filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.
15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear.
Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the
bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your
chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
19. To remove cigarette smoke in your home or office mix
one part vodka and three parts water and spray any cloth,
items then launder and let dry.
20. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to
remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
21. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allowyour
gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
After reading this, can you believe that some people drink
the stuff?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chris Rock on ATM's "Have you ever taken $400 out at 3 am
for something positive?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Proverbs
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion
that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the vacation.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal withit.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw
away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the
ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast
to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never run out of material.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these Axioms
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without
sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it
remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its
burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass
them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up
75% of the world's population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the
things left by those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in
public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the
hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Male philosophy:
"If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around,
is he still wrong?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A good-OLE-boy staggered home late on New Years Eve
after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in
left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as
he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A pint
bottle in each back pocket broke and made landing very
painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled
down his pants and examined his cut and bleeding cheeks
in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway. He managed to
find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place
them as best he could on each place he saw blood. After
hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed.
Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt
to find his wife staring at him from across theroom, and
hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her
and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass
at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing
through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly....
...it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say...
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have
to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll
be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile
attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure
skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend.
You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it
run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and
pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to
the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend. Here's $100.
1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry
about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but
he doesn't mean it!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the
Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the
stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded:
"The small investor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyone who calls themselves well adjusted in such a sick
world as this, is someone to be truly be worried about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art, or
whatever - evokes three stages of reaction in a hearer;
1. It is completely impossible - don't waste my time.
2. It is possible, but it is not worth doing.
3. I said it was a good idea all along.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then
ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for
The first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat
and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down
her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and
pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them
through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll
never eat out with us again!"
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look
dear," he said. "Quality time!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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posted by Bluesbaby @ 4:56 PM
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