FUN on the WEB vol 3 issue 4
Fun on the weekly websites and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 4 January 26, 2004
Okay its above 20 degrees, so its snowing. What do we expect
in Wisconsin, in January? Yes it is a winter wonderland here right
now with more of this loveliness coming all week. You will find all
manner of diversions in this issue to while away all the snowy days
we have in store. Next week we'll look at Groundhog's Day and
hope we all have some better weather coming soon!
Did you get a digital camera and want to do more
with it? Easyshare software is a free download and
techniques and tips for better pictures here.
http://www.kodak.com
There are also free sites for digital picture sharing with
free registration and these have been around for a while. . .
http://www.shutterfly.com
http://www.snapfish.com
http://www.ofoto.com
The history of Kodak
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/kodakHistory/
The American Cowgirl
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/features/cowgirl/
More interesting parts of the Kodak site that are
a bit hard to find
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/events/stieglitz/index.shtml
http://www.pbs.org/ktca/americanphotography/
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/consumer/nascar/
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/researchDevelopment/technologyFeatures/magnets.shtml
An online community for people to share their passion for
photography. http://www.photoforums.com/
Historical Photographs from 1856 to 1945
http://www.bygonepics.com/
Historical collections that exist in digital format.
http://www.archive.org/
Astronomy Links
http://www.anzwers.org/free/universe/links.html
The First 150 Years of the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/specials/150/index.html
Library of Congress - Links from Around the World
http://www.loc.gov/rr/international/portals.html
More on foreign cultures
http://www.settlement.org/cp/english/index.html
Mysteries of the World
http://www.world-mysteries.com/
Links to Most US Government Sites including jobs,
benefits, e-file your taxes, consumer help, art,
environment, community, and publication sites.
http://www.firstgov.com/index.shtml
Ever wonder about Goth Culture?
http://www.loc.gov/rr/international/portals.html
If Goth is not your bag perhaps this Vintage Clothing site
is more to your liking. Checkout their fashion timeline.
http://www.vintagetrends.com/
Dedicated to recycled culture
http://www.detritus.net/
What a riot! Look at some of these "products".
http://www.reemco.com/hubpage.html
Original games to play online
http://ferryhalim.com/orisinal/
More free games to play online
http://www.games.com/
http://www.superss.tk/
http://www.arcadetown.com/
http://www.freearcade.com/
http://www.arghhh.net/
http://play-free-online-games.com/
http://www.noodan.com/
http://www.gameworldx.com/
http://www.classic-trash.com/
http://abandongames.com/
http://www.the-underdogs.org/
http://www.billsgames.com/
http://www.klorg.com/index.htm
http://www.flashback-aw.net/
http://www.shockwave.com/
http://www.kidsdomain.com/games/
http://games.yahoo.com/
http://zone.msn.com/en/root/default.htm
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/computers__games__and_online/online_games/
Do It Yourself Adventures (interactive)
http://www.rockson.com/diy/default.asp
http://dmoz.org/Recreation/Humor/Interactive/
http://www.geocities.com/bad_st/
http://www.cbel.com/interactive_humor/
Graphic puzzles
http://webplaza.pt.lu/geohelm/myweb/cubeold.htm
http://user.tninet.se/~ecf599g/aardasnails/java/PuzzleApplet/webpages/index.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to http://www.breakthechain.org/
One of the most enduring and popular legends is the one that
prescribes numerous alternative uses for Coca-Cola, presumably
effective because of the soda's high acid content. Jennifer
decided to put these claims to the test for a class project.
Subject: Coke - Tried It. Thought It'd Work. It Didn't.
Here are the specifics:
In many states, the highway patrol carries two gallons of
Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after
a car accident.
Consider this: if an accident is brutal enough to cause the
road to become flooded with blood, you’d need a lot more
than 2 milk jugs’ worth of ANY liquid to rinse it away properly.
And if it’s really as nail-dissolving as they’d have us believe,
then it’s a terrible ecological threat to the roadside flora and
fauna. We should complain to the authorities.
You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be
gone in two days.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. Didn’t work.
Steak was well-marinated though. Should’ve used it with that
"Moist ham" recipe in number 7 down there, ‘cause that stuff’s
good.
To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl
and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The
citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. Didn’t work.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper
with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped
in Coca-Cola.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It DID work.
But, then, I tried it without the Coke and the Reynolds wrap still
did the job, all on its own.
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-
Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. We actually
have a rusty old dead car battery in the garage.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It didn’t work.
But, then, I tried it with some Reynolds wrap (no Coke) and it
came off beautifully. Maybe we should be worried about the
Reynolds wrap here.
To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to
the rusted bolt for several minutes.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It didn’t work.
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan,
wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the
ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
This does work and it’s good.
Also, turkey breast marinated in Sprite is delicious. It’s true. Ah,
vending machine cuisine.
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load
of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.
The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
Tried the laundry one. It didn’t work. Except, the road haze
one kinda did. But, it left my windshield all sticky. Next time,
I used Windex and that REALLY worked (who knew?) ... a lot
better than sticky brown pop. Who are all these people, trying
this stuff on their windows and batteries and stuff? Or, are
they just claiming they’ve tried it in the hopes that some doofus
like me will copy them?
Well, I tried it. And it wasn’t a very good method of cleaning
road haze. What I suffer in the name of scientific research.
For Your Info:
The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is
2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
Coke actually has a pH of 3. Yes, Coke contains phosphoric
acid. So do a lot of edible things. Beer also has a pH of 3.
And vinegar. And you know what’s TEN times more acidic
than coke, being pH 2? Lemon juice.
As for the nail. Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It didn’t work.
To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial
truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved
for highly corrosive materials.
Not true. And if it was, the lemon trucks would really be in
trouble. Also, I used to work at McDonald’s, where we had
boxed concentrate that spilled sometimes. It was not acidic
to the skin, at least not any more than beer.
Also, the concentrate comes in plastic bags stored in
cardboard boxes. Violently powerful acids aren't usually
packaged in soft, thin, plastic and paper containers.
The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines
of their trucks for about 20 years!
Oh, please! Maybe they should buy some Reynolds Wrap though,
‘cause that stuff kicks butt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are the buttons on men's and women's clothes on opposite sides?
Well, it's like this: since most people are right-handed, the
holes on men's clothes have buttons on the right--to make
it easier for men to push them through the holes. Well,
that's easy, but aren't women mostly right-handed too?
Women's buttons are on the OPPOSITE side so their maids
can dress them. When buttons were first used, they were
expensive and only wealthy women had them. Since a maid
faces the woman she is dressing, having the buttons on the
left of the dress places them on the maid's right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Signs You're Stressed"
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the
consumption of coffee.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses off the
people you're talking to.
The SUN is too loud.
You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.
You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your
order to go.
You can see the individual air molecules vibrating.
You keep yelling, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you
are the only one in the room.
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and
suggest that you should get some rest.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality ...file for divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Advice for the Ladies
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply
over the joy of seeing you ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front
of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother
made it ...buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...buy a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a
lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives
of your family and all the neighbors ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote,
doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you and
watch a romantic movie ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your
bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if
he snores ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,
doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or
old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy
of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
...buy a dog.
But on the other hand,
if you want someone who will never come when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home,
leaves hair all over the place,
walks all over you,
runs around all night,
only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,
Then my friend . . .
*
*
*
*
Buy a cat.
(Disclaimer: Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man from Edinburgh wrote to an English editor, "If you
don't stop printing those derogatory Scottish jokes, most
of which imply we're cheap, I'm going to quit stealing
your stupid magazine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide.
The question asked was, "Would you please give your
opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
In South America they did not know what 'please' meant.
And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FACTS
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of
the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens
every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently
arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the books that would
occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our
nose and ears never stop growing.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing
to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith
immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I
take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and
when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The
apprentice did just as he told.
Now he's the village blacksmith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You get what you pay for...
A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was
seated by the usher, he found that he was just too far
from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and
I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better
seat, and I'll give you a great tip."
The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row,
and the man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill....
The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him, then leans
over and whispers, "The butler did it".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her
class asked her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed.
"What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-
billed the insurance company."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry the Magician was performing on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The pay was lousy, but the audience changed
weekly, so he could do the same tricks over and over.
There was just one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand the tricks.
So in the middle of the show, the parrot would shout:
'Look, it's not the same hat!'
'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!'
'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?'
Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was
the captain's parrot. Two weeks later, the ship sank.
Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece of wood ...
with the parrot perched on the other end.
Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred
for several days, but did not utter a single word.
After a week the parrot finally said: 'Okay, I give up.
What did you do with the boat?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Signs You're In For A Long Sermon
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit
in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to
have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record
today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his
notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the
pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon:
1.The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the
super bowl" but it's only September!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him,
and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their
order. The man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next
day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man
reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two
enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the
waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
$12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning
the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish
was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague
and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message
from her dead husband - asking her to send him a carton of
cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't
know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I
can’t imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hmmm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up, but . . . he didn't mention anything about
including matches in the package, did he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.
Don't forget to check out my webstore!
http://bluesbaby.surplusalert.com
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com
If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Thanks and have a great week!
Volume 3 Issue 4 January 26, 2004
Okay its above 20 degrees, so its snowing. What do we expect
in Wisconsin, in January? Yes it is a winter wonderland here right
now with more of this loveliness coming all week. You will find all
manner of diversions in this issue to while away all the snowy days
we have in store. Next week we'll look at Groundhog's Day and
hope we all have some better weather coming soon!
Did you get a digital camera and want to do more
with it? Easyshare software is a free download and
techniques and tips for better pictures here.
http://www.kodak.com
There are also free sites for digital picture sharing with
free registration and these have been around for a while. . .
http://www.shutterfly.com
http://www.snapfish.com
http://www.ofoto.com
The history of Kodak
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/kodakHistory/
The American Cowgirl
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/features/cowgirl/
More interesting parts of the Kodak site that are
a bit hard to find
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/events/stieglitz/index.shtml
http://www.pbs.org/ktca/americanphotography/
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/consumer/nascar/
http://www.kodak.com/US/en/corp/researchDevelopment/technologyFeatures/magnets.shtml
An online community for people to share their passion for
photography. http://www.photoforums.com/
Historical Photographs from 1856 to 1945
http://www.bygonepics.com/
Historical collections that exist in digital format.
http://www.archive.org/
Astronomy Links
http://www.anzwers.org/free/universe/links.html
The First 150 Years of the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/specials/150/index.html
Library of Congress - Links from Around the World
http://www.loc.gov/rr/international/portals.html
More on foreign cultures
http://www.settlement.org/cp/english/index.html
Mysteries of the World
http://www.world-mysteries.com/
Links to Most US Government Sites including jobs,
benefits, e-file your taxes, consumer help, art,
environment, community, and publication sites.
http://www.firstgov.com/index.shtml
Ever wonder about Goth Culture?
http://www.loc.gov/rr/international/portals.html
If Goth is not your bag perhaps this Vintage Clothing site
is more to your liking. Checkout their fashion timeline.
http://www.vintagetrends.com/
Dedicated to recycled culture
http://www.detritus.net/
What a riot! Look at some of these "products".
http://www.reemco.com/hubpage.html
Original games to play online
http://ferryhalim.com/orisinal/
More free games to play online
http://www.games.com/
http://www.superss.tk/
http://www.arcadetown.com/
http://www.freearcade.com/
http://www.arghhh.net/
http://play-free-online-games.com/
http://www.noodan.com/
http://www.gameworldx.com/
http://www.classic-trash.com/
http://abandongames.com/
http://www.the-underdogs.org/
http://www.billsgames.com/
http://www.klorg.com/index.htm
http://www.flashback-aw.net/
http://www.shockwave.com/
http://www.kidsdomain.com/games/
http://games.yahoo.com/
http://zone.msn.com/en/root/default.htm
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/computers__games__and_online/online_games/
Do It Yourself Adventures (interactive)
http://www.rockson.com/diy/default.asp
http://dmoz.org/Recreation/Humor/Interactive/
http://www.geocities.com/bad_st/
http://www.cbel.com/interactive_humor/
Graphic puzzles
http://webplaza.pt.lu/geohelm/myweb/cubeold.htm
http://user.tninet.se/~ecf599g/aardasnails/java/PuzzleApplet/webpages/index.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to http://www.breakthechain.org/
One of the most enduring and popular legends is the one that
prescribes numerous alternative uses for Coca-Cola, presumably
effective because of the soda's high acid content. Jennifer
decided to put these claims to the test for a class project.
Subject: Coke - Tried It. Thought It'd Work. It Didn't.
Here are the specifics:
In many states, the highway patrol carries two gallons of
Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after
a car accident.
Consider this: if an accident is brutal enough to cause the
road to become flooded with blood, you’d need a lot more
than 2 milk jugs’ worth of ANY liquid to rinse it away properly.
And if it’s really as nail-dissolving as they’d have us believe,
then it’s a terrible ecological threat to the roadside flora and
fauna. We should complain to the authorities.
You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be
gone in two days.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. Didn’t work.
Steak was well-marinated though. Should’ve used it with that
"Moist ham" recipe in number 7 down there, ‘cause that stuff’s
good.
To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl
and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The
citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. Didn’t work.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper
with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped
in Coca-Cola.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It DID work.
But, then, I tried it without the Coke and the Reynolds wrap still
did the job, all on its own.
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-
Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. We actually
have a rusty old dead car battery in the garage.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It didn’t work.
But, then, I tried it with some Reynolds wrap (no Coke) and it
came off beautifully. Maybe we should be worried about the
Reynolds wrap here.
To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to
the rusted bolt for several minutes.
Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It didn’t work.
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan,
wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the
ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
This does work and it’s good.
Also, turkey breast marinated in Sprite is delicious. It’s true. Ah,
vending machine cuisine.
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load
of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.
The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
Tried the laundry one. It didn’t work. Except, the road haze
one kinda did. But, it left my windshield all sticky. Next time,
I used Windex and that REALLY worked (who knew?) ... a lot
better than sticky brown pop. Who are all these people, trying
this stuff on their windows and batteries and stuff? Or, are
they just claiming they’ve tried it in the hopes that some doofus
like me will copy them?
Well, I tried it. And it wasn’t a very good method of cleaning
road haze. What I suffer in the name of scientific research.
For Your Info:
The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is
2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
Coke actually has a pH of 3. Yes, Coke contains phosphoric
acid. So do a lot of edible things. Beer also has a pH of 3.
And vinegar. And you know what’s TEN times more acidic
than coke, being pH 2? Lemon juice.
As for the nail. Tried it. Thought it’d be cool. It didn’t work.
To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial
truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved
for highly corrosive materials.
Not true. And if it was, the lemon trucks would really be in
trouble. Also, I used to work at McDonald’s, where we had
boxed concentrate that spilled sometimes. It was not acidic
to the skin, at least not any more than beer.
Also, the concentrate comes in plastic bags stored in
cardboard boxes. Violently powerful acids aren't usually
packaged in soft, thin, plastic and paper containers.
The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines
of their trucks for about 20 years!
Oh, please! Maybe they should buy some Reynolds Wrap though,
‘cause that stuff kicks butt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are the buttons on men's and women's clothes on opposite sides?
Well, it's like this: since most people are right-handed, the
holes on men's clothes have buttons on the right--to make
it easier for men to push them through the holes. Well,
that's easy, but aren't women mostly right-handed too?
Women's buttons are on the OPPOSITE side so their maids
can dress them. When buttons were first used, they were
expensive and only wealthy women had them. Since a maid
faces the woman she is dressing, having the buttons on the
left of the dress places them on the maid's right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Signs You're Stressed"
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the
consumption of coffee.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses off the
people you're talking to.
The SUN is too loud.
You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.
You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your
order to go.
You can see the individual air molecules vibrating.
You keep yelling, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you
are the only one in the room.
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and
suggest that you should get some rest.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality ...file for divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Advice for the Ladies
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply
over the joy of seeing you ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front
of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother
made it ...buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...buy a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a
lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives
of your family and all the neighbors ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote,
doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you and
watch a romantic movie ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your
bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if
he snores ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,
doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or
old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy
of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
...buy a dog.
But on the other hand,
if you want someone who will never come when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home,
leaves hair all over the place,
walks all over you,
runs around all night,
only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,
Then my friend . . .
*
*
*
*
Buy a cat.
(Disclaimer: Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man from Edinburgh wrote to an English editor, "If you
don't stop printing those derogatory Scottish jokes, most
of which imply we're cheap, I'm going to quit stealing
your stupid magazine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide.
The question asked was, "Would you please give your
opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
In South America they did not know what 'please' meant.
And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FACTS
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of
the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens
every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently
arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the books that would
occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our
nose and ears never stop growing.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing
to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith
immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I
take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and
when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The
apprentice did just as he told.
Now he's the village blacksmith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You get what you pay for...
A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was
seated by the usher, he found that he was just too far
from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and
I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better
seat, and I'll give you a great tip."
The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row,
and the man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill....
The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him, then leans
over and whispers, "The butler did it".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her
class asked her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed.
"What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-
billed the insurance company."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry the Magician was performing on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The pay was lousy, but the audience changed
weekly, so he could do the same tricks over and over.
There was just one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand the tricks.
So in the middle of the show, the parrot would shout:
'Look, it's not the same hat!'
'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!'
'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?'
Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was
the captain's parrot. Two weeks later, the ship sank.
Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece of wood ...
with the parrot perched on the other end.
Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred
for several days, but did not utter a single word.
After a week the parrot finally said: 'Okay, I give up.
What did you do with the boat?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Signs You're In For A Long Sermon
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit
in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to
have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record
today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his
notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the
pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon:
1.The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the
super bowl" but it's only September!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him,
and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their
order. The man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next
day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the
ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man
reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two
enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the
waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
$12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning
the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish
was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague
and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message
from her dead husband - asking her to send him a carton of
cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't
know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I
can’t imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hmmm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up, but . . . he didn't mention anything about
including matches in the package, did he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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posted by Bluesbaby @ 11:59 AM
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