Fun on the Web vol 2 Issue 19 - May 12, 2003
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 2 Issue 19 May 12, 2003
If we believe the history of a people can be found in its songs then Songfacts is where that history resides. Not only a compendium of lyrics but facts about songs, artists, and the meanings behind the songs.
Register to request songs or facts, add facts or lyrics. Searchable by title, artist, or year. http://www.songfacts.com/
If you haven't tuned in to Trio on cable yet, give it a try. Music oriented programing with shows like Sessions at West 54th and Trio on Tour, humor with its resurrection of the Rowan and Martin's Laugh In, fashion in The Designers,concerts, http://www.triotv.com/
Metapet - game within a game that teaches management skills using a bioengineered cross between a dog and a person, keeping it healthy and productive, working its way up the company ladder, and optimizing genes (Its more fun than it sounds) http://www.metapet.net/
Is this a hoax or is she really fleeing an "arranged" marriage and an overbearing father
http://www.aflightrisk.blogspot.com/
Easy, inexpensive projects
http://www.thriftdeluxe.com/
A great resource for kids and educators with book reports and info to help select the right book for your child(ren) with guidlines on appropriate age range, even a glimpse inside each book, and coloring pages from Franklin the Turtle. http://v1.nelvana.com/kidscanpress/KidsCanPress_3/index.htm
A look at nature and bugs from a different perspective
http://www.mytinygarden.com/launch.htm
Resource for picky eaters (and their Moms)
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Food/familyfun/pickyeater0.aspx
If you like modern furniture take a look at this unique site. Don't worry they have showrooms all across the US and Canada. http://www.lolah.com/
Fascinating look at the geography, culture, religions, and politics of Indonesia including the rise of a dictatorship under Suharto http://www.pbs.org/wnet/shadowplay/
A look at electronic games from the past
http://www.handheldmuseum.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for these
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy
boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan ...
what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard
of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference"
in their affairs, past and present. We will promise never to
"interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world,
starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines.
They don't want us there. We would station troops at our
borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs
together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After
90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported
immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France
would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited
to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a
terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there,
change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be
available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.
If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home,
baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient
energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources
of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the
Alaskan wilderness.
The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a
barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the
world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or
whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need.
Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken
by their army. The people who need it most get very little,
anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We
don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it
would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
9b) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way,
no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor,
your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat
and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?
Robin Williams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had
pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side,and
then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are
true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How
many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to
sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing.
There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The
lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country
while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey
got first choice.
17. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a
crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for this one
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when
they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never
use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the
five minutes that your football game is going to last before
you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on
your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling
a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and
will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (! Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care" You will get a
"Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-
verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud
Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment,
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous
statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's
Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you back for whatever it is that you
have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word
"Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD. At some point in the near future, you are
going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth,
so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just
say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks."
A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really
ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after
the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking
his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery
to reasoning to painting it with cayenne pepper to discourage him.
Finally, she tried warning her son, "If you don't stop sucking
your thumb, your tummy is going to blow up like a big balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a
pregnant woman sitting on a bench.
The four-year-old eyed the young mother-to-be for a minute, then
said to her conspiratorially, "Uh-huh... I know what you've been doing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam and Louise were not the most religious couple and in fact
they really only went to church twice a year, at Christmasand Easter...
As they were leaving the church, the pastor said, "Sam, it sure
would be nice to see you and Louise here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Sam, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the pastor said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep
the Commandments."
"Yep," Sam said proudly, "Louise keeps six of them and I keep
the other four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't know if my grandson Paulie, had learned his colors yet,
so I decided to test him...
I would point out something and ask what color it was. He would
tell me, and always he was correct.
It was fun for me, and he seemed amused by our little game as
well, so I continued.
At last, he headed for the door, "Gramps, I think you should
try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked
it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded
at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
------------------------------
-He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
-SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
-Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
-Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
-Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's
browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
-The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
-He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
- It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
-The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
-He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 10 Commandments of Bureaucracy
1 Preserve thyself.
2 It is easier to fix the blame
than to fix the problem.
3 A penny saved is an oversight.
4 Information deteriorates upward.
5 The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time;
the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6 Experience: what you get just after you need it.
7 For any given large, complex, hard to understand,
expensive problem, there exists at least one short,
simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
8 Anything that can be changed will be,
until time runs out.
9 To err is human;
to shrug is civil service.
10 There's never enough time to do it right, but
there's always enough time to do it over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS YOU'D REALLY LOVE TO SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public. This is good!
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
18. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21. Do I look like a people person?
22. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
24. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
26. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
27. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one?
28. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
29. Chaos, panic and disorder -- my work here is done.
30. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO TELL YOU HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE
1. You named your cats Cream and Sugar.
2. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
3. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
4. You short out motion detectors.
5. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
6. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
7. You help your dog chase its tail.
8. You're up to four heart attacks a day.
9. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
10. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
11. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
12. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ You Know You're In Trouble When ...~~~
* Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
* Your suggestion box starts ticking.
* Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on
line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
* You make more than you ever made, owe more than you
ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
* The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
* People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
* You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
* The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Choosing a Good Minister
One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good
minister. A member of an official board undergoing this painful
process finally lost patience. He'd just witnessed the Pastoral
Relations Committee reject applicant after applicant for some
minor fault, real or imagined. It was time for a bit of soul-
searching on the part of the committee. So he stood up
and read this letter purporting to be from another applicant.
Gentlemen:
Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply
for the position. I have many qualifications. I've been a
preacher with much success and also had some success as a
writer. Some say I'm a good organizer. I've been a leader
most places I've been. I'm over 50 years of age and have
never preached in one place for more than three years. In
some places, I have left town after my work caused riots
and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three
or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.
My health is not too good, though I still accomplish a
great deal. The churches I have preached in have been
small, though located in several large cities. I've not
gotten along well with religious leaders in the towns
where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me,
and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at
keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I have
baptized. However, if you can use me, I promise to do my
best for you.
The board member turned to the committee and said, "Well,
what do you think? Shall we call him?" The good church
folks were appalled! Consider a sickly, trouble-making,
absentminded ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy?
Who signed the application? Who had such colossal nerve?
The board member eyed them all keenly before he replied,
"It's signed, 'The Apostle Paul.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard that if you play the Windows XP CD-ROM backwards,
you'll hear a satanic message. But the most frightening
thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows XP !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, sendbluesbaby@usa.com
an e-mail with subscribe in the subject line.
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny I am in the process of adding the back issues
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If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond to this e-mail with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Thanks and have a great week!
Volume 2 Issue 19 May 12, 2003
If we believe the history of a people can be found in its songs then Songfacts is where that history resides. Not only a compendium of lyrics but facts about songs, artists, and the meanings behind the songs.
Register to request songs or facts, add facts or lyrics. Searchable by title, artist, or year. http://www.songfacts.com/
If you haven't tuned in to Trio on cable yet, give it a try. Music oriented programing with shows like Sessions at West 54th and Trio on Tour, humor with its resurrection of the Rowan and Martin's Laugh In, fashion in The Designers,concerts, http://www.triotv.com/
Metapet - game within a game that teaches management skills using a bioengineered cross between a dog and a person, keeping it healthy and productive, working its way up the company ladder, and optimizing genes (Its more fun than it sounds) http://www.metapet.net/
Is this a hoax or is she really fleeing an "arranged" marriage and an overbearing father
http://www.aflightrisk.blogspot.com/
Easy, inexpensive projects
http://www.thriftdeluxe.com/
A great resource for kids and educators with book reports and info to help select the right book for your child(ren) with guidlines on appropriate age range, even a glimpse inside each book, and coloring pages from Franklin the Turtle. http://v1.nelvana.com/kidscanpress/KidsCanPress_3/index.htm
A look at nature and bugs from a different perspective
http://www.mytinygarden.com/launch.htm
Resource for picky eaters (and their Moms)
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Food/familyfun/pickyeater0.aspx
If you like modern furniture take a look at this unique site. Don't worry they have showrooms all across the US and Canada. http://www.lolah.com/
Fascinating look at the geography, culture, religions, and politics of Indonesia including the rise of a dictatorship under Suharto http://www.pbs.org/wnet/shadowplay/
A look at electronic games from the past
http://www.handheldmuseum.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for these
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy
boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan ...
what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard
of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference"
in their affairs, past and present. We will promise never to
"interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world,
starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines.
They don't want us there. We would station troops at our
borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs
together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After
90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported
immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France
would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited
to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a
terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there,
change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be
available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.
If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home,
baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient
energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources
of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the
Alaskan wilderness.
The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a
barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the
world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or
whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need.
Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken
by their army. The people who need it most get very little,
anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We
don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it
would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
9b) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way,
no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor,
your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat
and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?
Robin Williams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had
pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side,and
then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are
true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How
many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to
sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing.
There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The
lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country
while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey
got first choice.
17. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a
crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for this one
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when
they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never
use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the
five minutes that your football game is going to last before
you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on
your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling
a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and
will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (! Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care" You will get a
"Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-
verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud
Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment,
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous
statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's
Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you back for whatever it is that you
have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word
"Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD. At some point in the near future, you are
going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth,
so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just
say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks."
A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really
ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after
the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking
his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery
to reasoning to painting it with cayenne pepper to discourage him.
Finally, she tried warning her son, "If you don't stop sucking
your thumb, your tummy is going to blow up like a big balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a
pregnant woman sitting on a bench.
The four-year-old eyed the young mother-to-be for a minute, then
said to her conspiratorially, "Uh-huh... I know what you've been doing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam and Louise were not the most religious couple and in fact
they really only went to church twice a year, at Christmasand Easter...
As they were leaving the church, the pastor said, "Sam, it sure
would be nice to see you and Louise here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Sam, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the pastor said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep
the Commandments."
"Yep," Sam said proudly, "Louise keeps six of them and I keep
the other four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't know if my grandson Paulie, had learned his colors yet,
so I decided to test him...
I would point out something and ask what color it was. He would
tell me, and always he was correct.
It was fun for me, and he seemed amused by our little game as
well, so I continued.
At last, he headed for the door, "Gramps, I think you should
try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked
it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded
at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
------------------------------
-He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
-SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
-Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
-Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
-Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's
browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
-The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
-He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
- It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
-The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
-He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 10 Commandments of Bureaucracy
1 Preserve thyself.
2 It is easier to fix the blame
than to fix the problem.
3 A penny saved is an oversight.
4 Information deteriorates upward.
5 The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time;
the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6 Experience: what you get just after you need it.
7 For any given large, complex, hard to understand,
expensive problem, there exists at least one short,
simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
8 Anything that can be changed will be,
until time runs out.
9 To err is human;
to shrug is civil service.
10 There's never enough time to do it right, but
there's always enough time to do it over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS YOU'D REALLY LOVE TO SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public. This is good!
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
18. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21. Do I look like a people person?
22. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
24. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
26. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
27. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one?
28. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
29. Chaos, panic and disorder -- my work here is done.
30. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO TELL YOU HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE
1. You named your cats Cream and Sugar.
2. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
3. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
4. You short out motion detectors.
5. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
6. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
7. You help your dog chase its tail.
8. You're up to four heart attacks a day.
9. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
10. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
11. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
12. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ You Know You're In Trouble When ...~~~
* Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
* Your suggestion box starts ticking.
* Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on
line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
* You make more than you ever made, owe more than you
ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
* The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
* People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
* You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
* The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Choosing a Good Minister
One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good
minister. A member of an official board undergoing this painful
process finally lost patience. He'd just witnessed the Pastoral
Relations Committee reject applicant after applicant for some
minor fault, real or imagined. It was time for a bit of soul-
searching on the part of the committee. So he stood up
and read this letter purporting to be from another applicant.
Gentlemen:
Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply
for the position. I have many qualifications. I've been a
preacher with much success and also had some success as a
writer. Some say I'm a good organizer. I've been a leader
most places I've been. I'm over 50 years of age and have
never preached in one place for more than three years. In
some places, I have left town after my work caused riots
and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three
or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.
My health is not too good, though I still accomplish a
great deal. The churches I have preached in have been
small, though located in several large cities. I've not
gotten along well with religious leaders in the towns
where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me,
and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at
keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I have
baptized. However, if you can use me, I promise to do my
best for you.
The board member turned to the committee and said, "Well,
what do you think? Shall we call him?" The good church
folks were appalled! Consider a sickly, trouble-making,
absentminded ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy?
Who signed the application? Who had such colossal nerve?
The board member eyed them all keenly before he replied,
"It's signed, 'The Apostle Paul.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard that if you play the Windows XP CD-ROM backwards,
you'll hear a satanic message. But the most frightening
thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows XP !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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posted by Bluesbaby @ 11:05 AM
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