Fun on the Web Vol 3 Issue 33 August 30, 2004
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 3 Issue 33 August 30, 2004
Sadly I noticed my first fall colored leaves as I was driving
around this week and I don't mean just a few so next week
look for the fall foliage predictors in Fun On The Web. This
week I am going with museums, travel and back-to-school.
Getting all set for Labor Day weekend? If you need some place
to go I can name two great ones. The 22nd annual Taste of
Madison, a two day fest with 65 restaurants, and four stages
for two days of great times, with prices at $1-4 you can afford
to try a few tastes (September 4th & 5th).
http://www.madfest.org/taste
Or the newest fest in Milwaukee is The Encore September 2-4
where a reprise of Summerfest (not quite as big) will debut this
year. Bands from the newest (Los Lonely Boys) to the oldest
(Cheap Trick) will appear on the beautiful grounds that have
seen great times at Summerfest and our many ethnic festivals.
I'll be there checking it out. Hope to see you there too.
http://www.summerfest.com/encore
The largest site of oxymorons ever collected online:
http://www.oxymoronlist.com
Low Bandwidth Games to play online
http://www.teagames.com
More games
http://www.astrodragon.com/astro-miscellaneous02.html
Kid friendly sites, no R rated humor
http://www.getamused.com
http://www.crazycriminals.com
Oh the horror, the Cat in the Hat held for ransom, caught
in a compromising position in a painting. For the story:
http://news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,10508218%255E13762,00.html
Fun site for tshirts, cards and prints. Gothic with a
sense of humor
http://www.nancyfarmer.net
Wow this is fantastic! Sculptures using matches as the media.
You have to see it to believe it but do catch the rest of his
site while you are there:
http://www.davidmach.com/sculpture/sculmatchframes.htm
http://www.davidmach.com
From the science of music to the physics of skateboards
this site explores science making it fun for everyone.
http://www.exploratorium.com/
Center for Media & Learning Presents a recreation of the
American Museum (P.T. Barnum's exhibits) which burned
down in New York on July 13, 1865. If at work you may
want to turn your sound down or off. Fascinating view of
a time gone by with 360 degree views of the rooms
http://www.lostmuseum.cuny.edu/
Most of us have seen Dave Barry columns but here they
are archived so you can catch up if you miss one. They do
require registration but its free.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/
Time for a short getaway? Check out the NYTimes Escape
column for some savvy advice on how to get the most fun
out of a short weekend.
http://travel.nytimes.com/pages/travel/escapes/index.html?th
Got some great ideas on traveling as a single from Bubbe in
her column from the the Miami Herald:
Specializing in travel for 30-plus women
http://www.AdventureWomen.com
To nurture your soul and embrace your creativity
http://www.side-trips.com
Offering women-only adventures out West, including trains
across Colorado for white-knuckler flyers, or total luxury at
the Doral Spa
http://www.Women-traveling.com
Active grandmas (50-plus) can take a deserving grandchild
to New York for a makeover, on a London theater tour or
to a gourmet destination.
http://www.poshnosh.com
The largest travel club for women in the United States.
http://www.womenstravelclub.com
Ongoing scientific research projects available to the public.
http://www.earthwatch.org
A not-for-profit offering thousands of learning adventures
for men and women over 55
http://www.Elderhostel.org
MSNBC's Road trip from the early years to the 1990's. This
has a narrator and sounds so turn it down if at work.
http://www.msnbc.com/modules/summer_driving/decades/frame.asp?speed=hi
It's almost time for school again. The kids are getting
restless at the end of summer. Just to help you get
through the fall, here are terrific links for the family:
Links to homework sites, arranged by age and by subject.
http://www.homeworkspot.com
Links for High Scool homework help (also links for elementary
kids and middle school homework)
http://highschoolhub.org/hub/hub.cfm
Explains the justice system so kids can understand it.
http://www.usdoj.gov/kidspage
Kids' guide on how to search the web.
http://www.worldsofsearching.org
Family-oriented educational games and links.
http://www.bigchalk.com
http://www.howstuffworks.com/index.htm
http://www.ipl.org Internet Public Library
http://www.nationalgeographic.com/maps/index.html
http://www.refdesk.com
http://www.britannica.com
http://www.accuweather.com
http://www.about.com
To find more great kid friendly sites
http://www.beritsbest.com
http://www.surfnetkids.com
Having a tough day? These guys did too.
From Failure to Famous:
http://www.joesabah.com/dseibert/008.htm
The 17 Words that Never Fail You:
Prepare
Listen
Smile
Care
Choose
Focus
Believe
Relax
Act
Forgive
Pray
Trust
Change
Persist
Accept
Risk
Wait
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all
who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they
laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they
also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan
With enough courage, you can do without a reputation.
- Rhett Butler in GONE WITH THE WIND
This would be a great world to dance in if you didn't have to pay
the fiddler. - Will Rogers
Reality is that which when you stop believing in it doesn't go
away. - Philip K. Dick
CHECK URL's
When you need to find out who owns a particular domain, or
check on one of your own domains, you can visit the
InterNIC site and use their Whois Search page. There are
also some freeware programs around that will provide the
information. We sometimes use WhoIs ULTRA from AnalogX.
You can get WhoIs ULTRA at the AnalogX site by clicking here.
http://www.analogx.com/contents/download/network/whois.htm
Pinging a URL
We often need to check a new web site. One way to do this
is to ping the site. However, there are times when you
can't access a new site using your current ISPs DNS. When
this happens, you can try to ping with another DNS. The
easiest way to do this is to visit a web site from which
you can ping a new address.
Fifi.org is a site that you can use to ping Internet
addresses. You can also run a trace at this site.
http://www.fifi.org/services/
This program adds random taglines, or signatures to your
Emails. It will work with any Email program that uses
Text/Html/Rtf type files. The install contains over 6500
taglines, but you can add a MANY MANY more to the
database, or replace these taglines with your own selection.
http://programs.fbrower.com/
On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men;
the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the
order of 25 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to
find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation
for being . . . well, a little strange. While discussing the
prospect of working in the software industry, one woman
commented to another:
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words of Wisdom
- Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
- Life is like a camel: you can make it do anything except back up.
- She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
- I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.
- Punctual people have nothing better to do.
- It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.
- The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
- I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards.
- This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though.
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Times sure have changed. Yesterday a bum asked me if I
could spare $2.75 for a double cappuccino with no foam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many politicians say we should pay lower taxes but if we
take their advice, the IRS will put us in jail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me
had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled
high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office
filling out an employee form when I came to the section
that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was
also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any
of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** Top Ten Signs it's Monday **
10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday...
at least that is what you are thinking.
9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly
apology to the nation.
8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield
saying "I hate Monday!"
7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest.
6. In your current opinion five days is a long time.
5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor
because there was no coffee left in the pot when you
got to work.
4. You are half way to work before you realize you have
been listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.
3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid
actually doing work until Friday.
2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night
Football at 6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at
strategic locations around the living room.
1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving
a beautiful, sunny day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their
appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything,
anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such
appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed
them because they were always grazing.
The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method
for judging the true hunger of teenagers. "I would hold
up a piece of cold broccoli and if they were jumping and
snapping at it I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my
finger to the phone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Life
Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong,
will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.
Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks,
it needed replacing anyway
Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that
it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is
always in short supply.
Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't
stupid.
Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon
was made by the lowest bidder!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day
she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I
assumed was his wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would
you like to make $50,000?
MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?
WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot
him and the woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps,
then gunshots, then more footsteps.
MAID: What do I do with the bodies?
WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
MAID: There's no pool here.
A long pause....................
WIFE: Is this 555-4821?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match
and boys had cooties!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old farmer decided to visit a pond in the back of his
property that he had not visited in a long time. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he discovered a bunch of young women
were skinny dipping in his pond. He politely made the women
aware of his presence, and soon they all moved to the deep
end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"
The farmer replied, "Oh, don't worry about me. I didn't
come down here to see you skinny dipping. I'm just here
to feed the alligator."
The moral being: Age and cunning will triumph over youth
and enthusiasm EVERY time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for this one:
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived
an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising
coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the
snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked
the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to
hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm
going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what
I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much
the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also
never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all
over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that
going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with
soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you
have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious
excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all
over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've
helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone
and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly
someone in senior management".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for this one about the lonely little brain cell:
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by
mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE
ANYONE THERE?!?!?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far, away...........
..............
"We're all down here........."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although this is about driving in NYC, its really true about
most big cities. Having driven in Chicago and LA I can tell
you its not much different there but New York is often
acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in which to
drive. Who would argue? So, for newcomers and visitors,
here are a few basic rules of the road for driving there:
- To obtain a general idea of how to drive in New York,
go to a Knicks game and carefully watch the fast break.
Then get behind the wheel of your car and practice it.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right
and left before proceeding.
- When in doubt, accelerate.
- In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always
cheaper than parking it at a meter.
- Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper
stickers may brake for animals, but they may not brake
for you. Watch it.
- Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach
the top of the steering wheel.
- Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield
to the temptation to teach them otherwise.
- Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless
you are bent on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself
under the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking
space you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. New York is the home of slalom
driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts
potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them on their toes.
- Steer clear of people with anti-nuclear bumper stickers pasted
on their cars. They are interested in preserving mankind, which
is admirable. They are not necessarily interested in preserving
you, or themselves, for that matter. They have more important
things to think about.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
- Double-park in the North End of New York, unless triple-parking
is available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot
parking space. Sad but true.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic
in New York.
- It is traditional in New York to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.
- Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
They are put there to confuse people who don't know their
way around the city.
- Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes.
Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding,
especially during rush hour.
- Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
distract other New York drivers, who are not used to them.
- Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. New York drivers,
unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene
gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in New York.
- The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the
New York area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed
up and get through the intersection before the light turns red.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element
of surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun
other drivers.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel
guilty.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
- Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by
whatever means necessary.
- Above all, keep moving. Good luck -- you'll need it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby@usa.com with subscribe in the subject line.
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://bluesbaby.8k.com
If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
Thanks and have a great week!
Volume 3 Issue 33 August 30, 2004
Sadly I noticed my first fall colored leaves as I was driving
around this week and I don't mean just a few so next week
look for the fall foliage predictors in Fun On The Web. This
week I am going with museums, travel and back-to-school.
Getting all set for Labor Day weekend? If you need some place
to go I can name two great ones. The 22nd annual Taste of
Madison, a two day fest with 65 restaurants, and four stages
for two days of great times, with prices at $1-4 you can afford
to try a few tastes (September 4th & 5th).
http://www.madfest.org/taste
Or the newest fest in Milwaukee is The Encore September 2-4
where a reprise of Summerfest (not quite as big) will debut this
year. Bands from the newest (Los Lonely Boys) to the oldest
(Cheap Trick) will appear on the beautiful grounds that have
seen great times at Summerfest and our many ethnic festivals.
I'll be there checking it out. Hope to see you there too.
http://www.summerfest.com/encore
The largest site of oxymorons ever collected online:
http://www.oxymoronlist.com
Low Bandwidth Games to play online
http://www.teagames.com
More games
http://www.astrodragon.com/astro-miscellaneous02.html
Kid friendly sites, no R rated humor
http://www.getamused.com
http://www.crazycriminals.com
Oh the horror, the Cat in the Hat held for ransom, caught
in a compromising position in a painting. For the story:
http://news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,10508218%255E13762,00.html
Fun site for tshirts, cards and prints. Gothic with a
sense of humor
http://www.nancyfarmer.net
Wow this is fantastic! Sculptures using matches as the media.
You have to see it to believe it but do catch the rest of his
site while you are there:
http://www.davidmach.com/sculpture/sculmatchframes.htm
http://www.davidmach.com
From the science of music to the physics of skateboards
this site explores science making it fun for everyone.
http://www.exploratorium.com/
Center for Media & Learning Presents a recreation of the
American Museum (P.T. Barnum's exhibits) which burned
down in New York on July 13, 1865. If at work you may
want to turn your sound down or off. Fascinating view of
a time gone by with 360 degree views of the rooms
http://www.lostmuseum.cuny.edu/
Most of us have seen Dave Barry columns but here they
are archived so you can catch up if you miss one. They do
require registration but its free.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/
Time for a short getaway? Check out the NYTimes Escape
column for some savvy advice on how to get the most fun
out of a short weekend.
http://travel.nytimes.com/pages/travel/escapes/index.html?th
Got some great ideas on traveling as a single from Bubbe in
her column from the the Miami Herald:
Specializing in travel for 30-plus women
http://www.AdventureWomen.com
To nurture your soul and embrace your creativity
http://www.side-trips.com
Offering women-only adventures out West, including trains
across Colorado for white-knuckler flyers, or total luxury at
the Doral Spa
http://www.Women-traveling.com
Active grandmas (50-plus) can take a deserving grandchild
to New York for a makeover, on a London theater tour or
to a gourmet destination.
http://www.poshnosh.com
The largest travel club for women in the United States.
http://www.womenstravelclub.com
Ongoing scientific research projects available to the public.
http://www.earthwatch.org
A not-for-profit offering thousands of learning adventures
for men and women over 55
http://www.Elderhostel.org
MSNBC's Road trip from the early years to the 1990's. This
has a narrator and sounds so turn it down if at work.
http://www.msnbc.com/modules/summer_driving/decades/frame.asp?speed=hi
It's almost time for school again. The kids are getting
restless at the end of summer. Just to help you get
through the fall, here are terrific links for the family:
Links to homework sites, arranged by age and by subject.
http://www.homeworkspot.com
Links for High Scool homework help (also links for elementary
kids and middle school homework)
http://highschoolhub.org/hub/hub.cfm
Explains the justice system so kids can understand it.
http://www.usdoj.gov/kidspage
Kids' guide on how to search the web.
http://www.worldsofsearching.org
Family-oriented educational games and links.
http://www.bigchalk.com
http://www.howstuffworks.com/index.htm
http://www.ipl.org Internet Public Library
http://www.nationalgeographic.com/maps/index.html
http://www.refdesk.com
http://www.britannica.com
http://www.accuweather.com
http://www.about.com
To find more great kid friendly sites
http://www.beritsbest.com
http://www.surfnetkids.com
Having a tough day? These guys did too.
From Failure to Famous:
http://www.joesabah.com/dseibert/008.htm
The 17 Words that Never Fail You:
Prepare
Listen
Smile
Care
Choose
Focus
Believe
Relax
Act
Forgive
Pray
Trust
Change
Persist
Accept
Risk
Wait
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all
who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they
laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they
also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan
With enough courage, you can do without a reputation.
- Rhett Butler in GONE WITH THE WIND
This would be a great world to dance in if you didn't have to pay
the fiddler. - Will Rogers
Reality is that which when you stop believing in it doesn't go
away. - Philip K. Dick
CHECK URL's
When you need to find out who owns a particular domain, or
check on one of your own domains, you can visit the
InterNIC site and use their Whois Search page. There are
also some freeware programs around that will provide the
information. We sometimes use WhoIs ULTRA from AnalogX.
You can get WhoIs ULTRA at the AnalogX site by clicking here.
http://www.analogx.com/contents/download/network/whois.htm
Pinging a URL
We often need to check a new web site. One way to do this
is to ping the site. However, there are times when you
can't access a new site using your current ISPs DNS. When
this happens, you can try to ping with another DNS. The
easiest way to do this is to visit a web site from which
you can ping a new address.
Fifi.org is a site that you can use to ping Internet
addresses. You can also run a trace at this site.
http://www.fifi.org/services/
This program adds random taglines, or signatures to your
Emails. It will work with any Email program that uses
Text/Html/Rtf type files. The install contains over 6500
taglines, but you can add a MANY MANY more to the
database, or replace these taglines with your own selection.
http://programs.fbrower.com/
On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men;
the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the
order of 25 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to
find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation
for being . . . well, a little strange. While discussing the
prospect of working in the software industry, one woman
commented to another:
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words of Wisdom
- Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
- Life is like a camel: you can make it do anything except back up.
- She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
- I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.
- Punctual people have nothing better to do.
- It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.
- The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
- I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards.
- This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though.
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Times sure have changed. Yesterday a bum asked me if I
could spare $2.75 for a double cappuccino with no foam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many politicians say we should pay lower taxes but if we
take their advice, the IRS will put us in jail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me
had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled
high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office
filling out an employee form when I came to the section
that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was
also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any
of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** Top Ten Signs it's Monday **
10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday...
at least that is what you are thinking.
9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly
apology to the nation.
8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield
saying "I hate Monday!"
7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest.
6. In your current opinion five days is a long time.
5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor
because there was no coffee left in the pot when you
got to work.
4. You are half way to work before you realize you have
been listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.
3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid
actually doing work until Friday.
2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night
Football at 6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at
strategic locations around the living room.
1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving
a beautiful, sunny day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their
appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything,
anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such
appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed
them because they were always grazing.
The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method
for judging the true hunger of teenagers. "I would hold
up a piece of cold broccoli and if they were jumping and
snapping at it I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my
finger to the phone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Life
Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong,
will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.
Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks,
it needed replacing anyway
Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that
it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is
always in short supply.
Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't
stupid.
Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon
was made by the lowest bidder!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day
she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I
assumed was his wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would
you like to make $50,000?
MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?
WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot
him and the woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps,
then gunshots, then more footsteps.
MAID: What do I do with the bodies?
WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
MAID: There's no pool here.
A long pause....................
WIFE: Is this 555-4821?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match
and boys had cooties!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old farmer decided to visit a pond in the back of his
property that he had not visited in a long time. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he discovered a bunch of young women
were skinny dipping in his pond. He politely made the women
aware of his presence, and soon they all moved to the deep
end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"
The farmer replied, "Oh, don't worry about me. I didn't
come down here to see you skinny dipping. I'm just here
to feed the alligator."
The moral being: Age and cunning will triumph over youth
and enthusiasm EVERY time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for this one:
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived
an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising
coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the
snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked
the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to
hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm
going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what
I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much
the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also
never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all
over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that
going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with
soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you
have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious
excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all
over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've
helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone
and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly
someone in senior management".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for this one about the lonely little brain cell:
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by
mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE
ANYONE THERE?!?!?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far, away...........
..............
"We're all down here........."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although this is about driving in NYC, its really true about
most big cities. Having driven in Chicago and LA I can tell
you its not much different there but New York is often
acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in which to
drive. Who would argue? So, for newcomers and visitors,
here are a few basic rules of the road for driving there:
- To obtain a general idea of how to drive in New York,
go to a Knicks game and carefully watch the fast break.
Then get behind the wheel of your car and practice it.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right
and left before proceeding.
- When in doubt, accelerate.
- In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always
cheaper than parking it at a meter.
- Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper
stickers may brake for animals, but they may not brake
for you. Watch it.
- Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach
the top of the steering wheel.
- Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield
to the temptation to teach them otherwise.
- Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless
you are bent on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself
under the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking
space you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. New York is the home of slalom
driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts
potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them on their toes.
- Steer clear of people with anti-nuclear bumper stickers pasted
on their cars. They are interested in preserving mankind, which
is admirable. They are not necessarily interested in preserving
you, or themselves, for that matter. They have more important
things to think about.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
- Double-park in the North End of New York, unless triple-parking
is available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot
parking space. Sad but true.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic
in New York.
- It is traditional in New York to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.
- Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
They are put there to confuse people who don't know their
way around the city.
- Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes.
Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding,
especially during rush hour.
- Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
distract other New York drivers, who are not used to them.
- Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. New York drivers,
unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene
gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in New York.
- The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the
New York area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed
up and get through the intersection before the light turns red.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element
of surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun
other drivers.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel
guilty.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
- Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by
whatever means necessary.
- Above all, keep moving. Good luck -- you'll need it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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posted by Bluesbaby @ 10:51 AM
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